Snowboarding!
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This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Snowboarding
Snowboarding contributes greatly to the economies of ski resortsSnowboarding is a sport that involves descending a snow-covered slope on a snowboard that is attached to one's feet using a boot/binding interface. It is similar to skiing, but inspired by surfing and skateboarding. The sport was developed in the United States in the 1960s and the 1970s and became a Winter Olympic Sport in 1998. Some of its pioneers include: Craig Kelly, Tom Sims, Jake Burton Carpenter, and Terry Kidwell. It is constantly increasing in popularity.Snowboarding History
The history of snowboarding started with pioneers like Sherman Poppen (the inventor of the first commercially made snowboard called the Snurfer from Muskegon, Michigan), Jake Burton (founder of Burton Snowboards from Londonderry, Vermont), Tom Sims (founder of Sims Snowboards and creator of the first snowboard in 1963), Mike Olson (GNU Snowboards).Dimitrije Milovich, an east coast surfer, had the idea of sliding on cafeteria trays. From this he started developing his snowboard designs. In 1972, he started a company called the Winterstick; by 1975, The Winterstick was mentioned in Newsweek magazine. The Winterstick was based on the design and feel of a surfboard, but worked the same way as skis.
The growing popularity of snowboarding is reflected by recognition of snowboarding as an official sport: in 1985, the first World Cup was held in Zürs, Austria. Due to the need for universal contest regulations, the ISA (International Snowboard Association) was founded in 1994. Today, high-profile snowboarding events like the Olympics, Winter X-Games, the US Open, and other events are broadcast to a worldwide audience. Many alpine resorts are now setting up terrain parks. It is also notable that the sport has had a significant impact on such countries that are largely without snow, such as Australia and Afghanistan.
Snowboarding Styles
Further information might be found on the talk page or at requests for expansion. This article has been tagged since August 2007.Both terrain parks and backcountry have grown in popularity with advances in equipment and mountaineering technology.
Snowboarding Freestyle
Craig Kelly and Terje Håkonsen have been credited as two of the founding fathers of freestyle snowboarding. Craig began the art of freestyle, then later switched from the contest circuit to full time backcountry riding, filming, and photography before being killed in an avalanche. Terje started young, has been the subject of two movies, and recently achieved the world record quarterpipe air at the 2007 Arctic Open. Many believe that freestyle snowboarding owes much of its form and content to skateboarding. Since a snowboard is attached securely to your feet, you are unable to perform many of the skateboard tricks, like a kickflip. With the recent introduction of rails into freestyle snowboarding, a closer resemblance to skateboarding is seen.Snowboarding Safety and precautions
Although many snowboarders do not wear any protective gear, helmets and some other devices are gaining in popularity. Wearing protective gear is highly recommended due to the dangerous nature of alpine sports (especially freestyle snowboarding). The body parts most affected by injuries are the wrist, tailbone, the head, and the ankles (also knee ligaments amongst professional riders). Useful safety gear includes wrist guards (snowboarders often land on their hands and knees, to break a wrist is a common injury), padded or protected snowboard pants and a helmet. Snowboarding boots must be worn. It is best that you wear boots that fit you, which means your toes must be snug in the end of the boot, as to minimize movement inside the boot (too tight is better than too loose). Goggles are used by most people, and are very crucial at high altitudes on bright days to prevent snow blindness. Goggles also protect riders from temporary vision loss due to snow getting in eyes that can result in impact into terrain or obstacles. Padding can be useful on other body parts like the hips, knees, spine, and shoulders.Snowboarding Films
Snowboarding films have become a main part of progression in the sport. Each season, many films are released, usually in autumn. These are made by many snowboard specific video production companies as well as manufacturing companies that use these films as a form of advertisement.Snowboarding videos usually contain video footage of professional riders sponsored by companies. An example of commercial use of snowboarding films would be The White Album, a film by snowboarding legend and filmmaker Dave Seone about Shaun White, that includes cameos by Tony Hawk and was sponsored by PlayStation, Mountain Dew and Burton Snowboards. Snowboarding films are also used as documentation of snowboarding and showcasing of current trends and styles of the sport.
Snowboarding has also been the focus of numerous Hollywood feature films, quite notably the 2001 movie Out Cold, which included appearances by several renowned professional snowboarders as stunt performers, actual characters, or both. Out Cold is one of few major motion pictures to show snowboarding rather realistically and to exhibit a real understanding of the sport, as well as the culture that surrounds it. One such country is the UK, and this artificial snow phenomenon is well documented in the movie "Standing Sideways" by Damien Doyle. An early Hollywood nod to snowboarding was in James Bond film A View to a Kill the opening sequence features Roger Moore as Bond eluding attackers with an improvised snowboard.
Snowboarding Magazines
Snowboard magazines are integral to the sport. Photo incentives are written into many professional riders' sponsorship contracts; therefore when they have a photo published in a magazine, the rider receives not only necessary exposure needed for their career, but financial support as well. Snowboard magazine staff will travel with professional riders throughout the winter season to generate content. Coverage will typically include travel, contests, lifestyle, rider and company profiles, and product reviews. Snowboard magazines have recently made a push to expand their brands to the online market.Snowboarding Contests
There are four major types of contests: rail jam, slopestyle, halfpipe, quarterpipe and boarder cross. Some of the biggest contests include: the US Open, Shakedown, the West Coast Invitational, Vans Cup, X Games, and the Chevrolet U.S. Snowboarding Grand Prix, Chevrolet Revolution Tour and Race to the Cup series. There are also many other smaller division competitions, some are listed in the USASA. The Ticket to Ride (World Snowboard Tour) is the largest culmination of independent Freestyle events acting under one common Tour Flag. Officially recognized as the TTR World Snowboard Tour or simply The TTR, this culmination of Independent Freestyle Snowboard events has witnessed dynamic growth over the last four years, revitalizing competitive snowboarding while firmly establishing its credibility as a globally recognized Tour. Now in its 6th year, the TTR boasts an impressive 10-month competition season including top rated snowboarding events over four geographical zones. The Tour includes events like the TTR SIX(6)STAR Air & Style (Munich), The Arctic Challenge and the crowning event, the US Open of Snowboarding.
