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Penguin Joke!
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"The bartender says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
Kip Addotta
My brother is the goodlooking one. He is a lot taller then me and wears a white dinner jacket with a vest.
Penguin, Bill Beckerman
Mark A Bewski
Dumb Joke!
What has four legs and chases cats?Mrs. Cats and her lawyer!
Kip Addotta
Grizzly bear Joke!
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and slaps his paw on the counter and demands a beer. Bartender replies, "We don't serve bears here."Grizzly roars "Give me a beer!" Bartender replies "We don\'t serve bears here."
Grizzly bellows "I will go down and eat that woman at the end of the bar if you do not give me a beer!" Bartender simply replies again "We don\'t serve bears here."
The grizzly bear runs to the end of the bar and completely eats the woman and then roars out
"You see what I am capable of, Give me a beer!" Bartender says "Don\'t have to now, you will soon be asleep."
Grizzly says "Huh?"
Bartender smirks "That was a barbiturate!" (bar-bitch-u-ate)
Patty Quesenberry
Scientist Joke!
Scientists have found that water may cause drowning in lab rats!Ken Lodi
Lawyer Joke!
Ninety nine percent of lawyers give the other one percent a bad name!Ken Lodi
Hospital Joke!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, female, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.The Nurse, hears him mumble, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
Are - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Bonnie West
Hillary Clinton Email!
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it!It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Brian seufert
Gullible!
Did you know that the word "Gullible" is not in the dictionary?Kip Addotta
Suicide, Joke!
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge, in Georgia, one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man about to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear Mother and Father.'He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your Wife and Children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the Hell is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
Ken Canup
Department of Labor, Joke!
A man owned a small farm just outside Ludington, MI. The Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and Does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Richard M. Hausman
Poor Floyd, Joke!
Floyd works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Floyd! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks, "Have you been to this club before?"
"Oh no," says Floyd. "He's in my bowling league."
When they are seated, a waitress says, "Floyd, I assumed you'd like your usual," and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Floyd, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Floyd. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Floyd's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Floyd follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Floyd tries desperately to explain, "The stripper must have mistaken me for someone else."
But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Floyd, you picked up a real Bitch this time."
Floyd's funeral will be on Friday.
Richard M. Hausman
The Italian Lover, Joke!
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom, where he 'rattled' her senseless.After a pleasant interlude, he asked, with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The lovemaking finally ended and again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.
Richard M. Hausman
Little Johnny, Joke!
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
Brian Seufert
Wailing Wall, Joke!
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
Morris Fishbien,' he replied.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?
For about 60 years!
60 years! That's amazing!
What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
Brian Seufert
Just Like Frank Feldman, Joke!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman! He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his damn widow!
Brian Seufert
I walked in on my son, Joke!
I walked in on my son and said, "Son that will cause blindness!"He said, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Kip addotta
When I die, Joke!
When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather!Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car...
Kip addotta
Wal-Mart, Joke!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.''Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine Sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine Sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water! And avoid heavy Activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began Wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from His wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get Better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Kip addotta
Jealous Blonde, Joke!
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.The blonde gets very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "NO, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."
Kip addotta
Bankruptcy Joke!
I was worried that I might be going broke, and would have to file bankruptcy.So, I referred to the bible and found the answer!
It was in Chapter Eleven!
Kip Addotta
The Terrorists and the Marine, Joke!
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?'
Richard M Hausman
Auto repair, Joke!
While I was waiting in the auto repair shop's lobby for my car to be repaired recently, another customer came in looking a little frustrated."Listen," the customer announced to the owner of the shop.
"When I bought this premium battery six months ago you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It has already died after only six months!"
The shop owner looked quite mortified.
"I'm very sorry," he apologized. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Kip Addotta
Credit Card, Joke!
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.Kip Addotta
Big Rig, Joke!
Three preachers died and went to heaven.While waiting for St. Peter to let them in a SWIFT and J.B. HUNT driver show up and St. Peter makes the preachers step aside.
This baffled the preachers so they asked. "We've been preaching the good word our whole life, and you make us step aside and let these truckers in before us?" St. Peter replied, "In their first year of driving they have scared "the hell" out of more people then you ever preached to."
Kip Addotta
Proof that men have better friends, Joke!
Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship among men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Richard M Hausman
Snooty Receptionist, Joke!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patients.
; As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,'Yes I have your name here; You want to see the doctor about your impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but, I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Don't mess with old folks!
Gino
Snooty Receptionist, Joke!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patients.
; As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,'Yes I have your name here; You want to see the doctor about your impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but, I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Don't mess with old folks!
Gino
I'm giving up golf, Joke!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.' 'That's no good' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.' 'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?' 'Of course I did!' 'Where did it go?' says Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
Don Gordon
The Old Pilots, Joke!
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Brian Seufert
A morning treats, Joke!
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.
Richard M Hausman
Growing up on the farm, Joke!
When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'?
Ken Canup
Difference between Grandma and Grandpa, Joke!
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter.One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Gino
The Duck, Joke!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.''I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
'What the heck would they want with a plasterer?'
Ken Canup
A man with six kids, Joke
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a Condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Brian Seufert
We Don't Serve Drunks Here, Joke
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"
Brian Seufert
How the fight started, Joke!
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap,that must be my husband!'So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that folks............is how the fight started.
Brian Seufert
How much work, how much pleasure, Joke!
The Commanding Officer of a U.S. vessel was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, so he decided to kill a little time by asking all assembled a question. 'Now hear this: How much of sex is work and how much is pleasure?'The Executive Officer said 75% work, 25% pleasure.
A Commander said: 50-50.
A lieutenant responded: 25% work, 75% pleasure, depending on how drunk the sailor was at the time.
With no consensus, the Captain turned to the Seaman in charge of making coffee.
'What's your opinion, son?' he asked.
Without hesitation, the young man responded: 'Aye, sir, 100% pleasure aye, sir!'
The Captain was surprised. 'And why is that, sailor?'
'Because, sir, if there was any work involved whatsoever, the officers would have me do it for them!'
Richard M Hausman
Best toast of the night, Joke!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to twist his ear ear to make him come."
Brian Seufert
Never Cheat on a Hillbilly Woman, Joke!
In West Virginia a hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.'
Bonnie West
The Donkey, Joke!
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can 't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
G. Blascoe
Wal-Mart Greeter, Joke!
A very loud, unattractive, foul tempered woman walked into WalMart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The foul tempered woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins." The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just can't believe that you found someone to make love to you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
Marina Torpin
Change Begets Change, Joke!
City Hall in a California city:"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law.
If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And my brother Tim wants to marry me, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!
Brian Seufert
I appreciate your comment!
Tolerance should be extended towards gay people and it is by law and spirit. Tolerance from gay people to the rest of us should be extended but it is not.
Many people do not understand this whole gay thing and every once in a while it will be commented on. If you cannot see the irony that we see in this joke, then, you may be too close to the forest to see the trees.
We the people have created laws to protect all sorts of minorities even though we do not understand their behavior. I support these laws and your defense of a lifestyle. But more and more people who are gay say inappropriate things about straights and we take it stride even though it offends us. That’s what tolerance is!
There is nothing negative towards gays in this little exchange. The point of the story is that we must be careful when we make laws that can be abused, twisted and used to bring on all sorts of havoc. Like the lady in Hawaii who petitioned the courts to marry a dolphin. Her wishes were denied. To her she was treated unfairly. She loved the dolphin and did not understand why a state that allowed same sex marriage would not allow her to marry an animal.
The joke points out that we should draw a line somewhere.
Still love you too
Kip Addotta
Point taken
I am straight and work a lot with gay couples and they have been persecuted for years
It is nice that they are equal under the law.
Alan Katz
Sailor does a good deed, Joke!
A beautiful young blonde, New York woman, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River.But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man in uniform stopped her.
You have so much to live for, said the man. Look, as you can see, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches, a little wine, and then he would make love to her until dawn.
However, three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What the heck are you doing here? asked the captain.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she replied. He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe! Plus, he's screwing me every night.
I guess he is, replied the captain.
This is the Staten Island Ferry!
Richard M Hausman
Yearly Physical, Joke!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Brian Seufert
Mental Hospital, Joke!
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, 'Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Richard M Hausman
Screaming Drunk, Joke!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.A few minutes later a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to the bathroom door and yells, "What's all the screaming about? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm sitting here on the toilet, (slurs the drunk) and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Brian Seufert
Underwear, Joke!
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the hell?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'
Richard M Hausman
Post Office Interview, Joke!
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'
"Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes, I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, "Yes an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, however, you can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"
"This is a government job! For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Richard M Hausman
Polish Sausage, Joke!
A shopper asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Richard M Hausman
The Midget and the Doctor, Joke!
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
He then stood the midget up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midge to cough again, "Aha!" said the doctor once more.
He turned around, reached for his surgical scissors, snip-snip-snip-snip, the midget heard on the right side...then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
August Smith
Depression, Joke!
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
The man on the other end of the line got excited and said, "Really? Can you drive a truck?"
Peter Sherman
Bullfrog, Joke!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune."Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"
"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 130 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
Brian Seufert
The $800.00, Joke!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Brian Seufert
Talking Dog, Joke!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a bullshitter .. He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
Richard M Hausman
Senior Moment, Joke!
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation."You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"
Richard M Hausman
Two old men in a park, Joke!
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ..........I pled 'guilty'..........."The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Brian Seufert
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center, Joke!
As the hypnotist went to the front of the meeting room at the senior center, he announced,'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance,I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...'
The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.
It took THREE DAYS to clean up the senior center.
Bonnie West
Bar Sues Local Church, Joke!
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started building a structure to house up their new business.The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how
I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.
Curtis Parham
Marketing Joke!
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.
Kip Addotta
Mark A. Elewski
The new supermarket, Joke!
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
Bonnie West
The secret to long life, Joke!
A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously to the age of a hundred and three, when he died.
He left behind fourteen children, thirty grandchildren, forty five great-grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
Richard M Hausman
A man's Best Friend Joke!
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Bonnie West
Wal-Mart Joke!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies? 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband? 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So do 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
The doctor said he should be back to work in the next couple of weeks as soon as his head wound heals from the 20lb turkey she hit him with.
Richard M Hausman
The Lie Detector!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Biff Manard
The Lie Detector!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Biff Manard
Own or rent?
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour.
Crazy, right?
But...
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Is it just me, or is it better to rent .
G. Blascoe
Bubba's Truck Joke
"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?""Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Bonnie West
Confession Joke?
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
4 months vacation and five good leads.
Bobby Frank Dino
Marathon Joke?
Recently I was asked to run a marathon.At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought........
Wow...I could win this thing.......!
Don Gordon
Robert Edwards
Kip
Robert Edwards
Would you Remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably It is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."
WIFE: - silence - HUSBAND: " . . . sh # t."
Joyce Wolf
Cheatin' Wife?
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Brian Seufert
The Amish and the elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a but ton.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son .....
"Go get your mother."
Brian Seufert
The Pastor's Children...
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Richard M Haausman
Hillary is pregnant...
Hillary goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and, as a Senator of New York, this had to happen to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming; 'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?'
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very, quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, 'Who is this?
Don Gordon
Thirteen...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13."The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and I looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....."
Richard M Hausman
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...
A southern perspective........As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US!
Bonnie West
you are sooooooooooo right about this!!!....... my god !!!!!!
Bob Edwards
Leather Bodice, Stiletto Heels! Joke
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love all night long.
The mistress: 'Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything..... but we had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
Richard M Hausman
Guess who I ran into! Joke
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Kathleen Nolan
Dear Dad! Joke
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad. 'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and tatoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people who live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
P. S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Richard M. Hausman
My Dad At The Mall! Joke
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response as I knew he would have a good one.
I was right!
In his classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Paul Bigler
Vacation Joke
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Richard M. Hausman
Election 2008 Joke
I can't figure out why we're are even bothering to hold an election.On one side, we have a shrew who is married to a lawyer, and an elitist who is married to a lawyer.
On the other side, we have a true war hero married to a woman with huge boobs who owns her own beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
Kip Addotta
An old man was crying Joke
A man about 90 years old was sitting on a park bench crying.A young man was jogging by and noticed the old man sobbing,
The young man stopped and asked the old man why he was crying?
The old man said, "I have a 35 year old wife. She cooks for me, washes my cloths for me and we have sex 3 days a week,"
The young man said, "Then, why are you crying?"
The old man said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Gino Camelli
A woman and a baby Joke
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Richard M. Hausman
Toast Joke
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'.
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Richard M. Hausman
Chelsea Clinton goes on a date
After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.Chelsea replies she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary Clinton then asks,
'You didn't have sex, did you?'
Chelsea replies: 'Not according to Dad.'
John Devries
Letter from a farm kid Joke
(Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training.)Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,! bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what ! they cal l hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
As Sent By: Randolf Johnson
Harley for Sale Joke
A guy wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. ''No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at his girls mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her, too, right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silnce.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough! I'll do the damn dishes!'
Brian Seufert
Pearly Gates Joke
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
Richard M. Hausman
Bubba Died
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician ask, ' How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Bonnie West
Sun Bathing Jewish Lady
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida.She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, She gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Don Gordan
Lawyer Joke
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Joyce Wolf
Stop People Bugging you To Get Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Richard Hausman
The Body Builder Joke
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great Chest you have!'He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive Calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
Audrey Lord-Hausman
A Short Love Story. Joke
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunkand she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach in to the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn 'blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Brian Seufert
Things you don't want to hear a blind date say. Joke
1. I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.2. Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
3. Before we go out we have to get the rules straight. Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
4. That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
5. Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
6. This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
7. Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
8. You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female impersonator.
9. I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
10. Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my nappy.
Kip Addotta
Triplets Joke
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and shot the dog.'
Michael Hinsley
Puns and Groaners
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the man