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Drinking
Two guys are sitting at a bar.The first guy says, "I drink to forget!"
The other guy says, "Me too. Why do you?"
Richard M Hausmen
Getting Older
My kids asked me, "Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?"I told them "My sense of decency."
Richard M Hausmen
An innocent child's prayer
Dear God,Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.
Amen
Steve Chesser
A poem!
Thirty days hath SeptemberApril, June, and no wonder
The rest have peanut butter
Except Grandma
She has a Buick
Ken Lodi
A Doggy Groaner Joke!
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.Bonnie West
The Plan!
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
Damn - I love it when a plan comes together.
Peter Sherman
Blonde Public Works Joke!
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ' I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again? '
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
Bonny West
Father and son Joke!
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
Patty Quesenberry
The Economy is so bad Joke!
This year there's a new special day for kids and parents:"Take Your Kid to Where You Used to Work Day"
Richard Hausman
Let's Modernize a Saying Joke!
As I talk with friends about the current economic conditions and challenges I can't help but think of the saying:“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
.....(Well, right now, I feel like Hercules).....
Brian Suefert
The Economy is so bad Joke!
People in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learnng their children's names.Brian Suefert
How Would You Fix the Economy Joke!
This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for their ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this reader nailed it!Dear Mr. President,
Patriotic Retirement: There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million dollars apiece Severance Pay with these stipulations.
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
DONE! Economy fixed.
Joe Blascoe
The old man and his dearly departet Dog Joke!
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Steve Chesser
Redneck word of the year: "Obama"!
I baught me a case of beer and drank it Obamaself!Steve Chesser
A Woman's Poem!
He didn't like the casseroleAnd he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks...
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue,
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
Richard M Hausman
Hospital Joke!
A grandmother called St. Joseph's Hospital. She asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
After a few minutes on hold the operator came back, 'I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything around here.'
Richard M Hausman
Woman with no nipples Joke!
A young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. The doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health, but, I did notice one abnormality, you have no nipples.""None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
The doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called...
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
Bill Bricker
Obama Joke!
The Department Of Defense briefed the President this morning. They told Obama that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Vince Vingelli
Bernie Madoff Joke!
Bernie Madoff and his wife are saying they have $69 million that is theirs and is not part of the money he swindled.They say it's money he saved by switching to GEICO.
Richard M Hausman
Parent Joke!
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.Bonnie West
Survey Joke!
A survey says that 48% of all millionaires say the outlook for the economy is gloomy. The other 52% are no longer millionaires.Richard M Hausman
Black and White Joke!
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"His mother replied, "Don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that damn party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
Brian Seufert
Encouraging Joke!
My friend, Bonnie West, wants us to remember that, in the Zen sense, we are all nobody!But, nobody is perfect, therefore, we are all perfect!
Kip Addotta
Longevity Joke!
A reporter was on the fluff assignment of covering the oldest person in the country's birthday. He asked the guy, "To what do you attribute your longevity?"The old man responded, "I have lived so long because I never argue."
The reporter then, searching further, prodded, "But are you sure it's not because of your diet, exercise, or good genes?"
The old man responded, "You know, you may be right."
Richard M Hausman
The Man Rules!
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all downFinally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail
1. Ask for what you want. (Let us be clear on this one) Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
Mike McKinney
Economy Joke!
All I hear lately is the soft, poetic, whispering sound of a hand going into and out of my pocket very rapidly...I’d flinch, but I’m afraid they’ll just go deeper and rip-out something I may need later!
Brian Seufert
Banking Joke!
Remember! Your Pilot has every incentive to land safely, because, he is on the plane with you!Wouldn't it be wonderful if Bankers had the same jeopardy?
Kip Addotta
Exercise for people over 40 Joke!
Stand on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms out from your sides & hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Then relax.
You'll find that you can hold this position a bit longer each day.
After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Eventually, you'll move up to a 50-lb potato bag in each hand & hold your arms straight for more than a minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
Steve Chesser
Kleptomania Joke!
I have Kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.Richard Hausman
Atheist Joke!
What does an atheist say when she climax's"Oh Darwin"!
Don Woldman ESQ
Life Insurance Joke!
Life insurance agent to would-be client:"Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight.
If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.
Kip Addotta
Letter to the bank!
Dear Sirs,One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of current events in the banking market, does that refer to me or to you?
Brian Seufert
Dumb Joke!
"Dumber than the hair on a barber shop floor!"Kip Addotta
Enemies Joke!
Toward the end of Sunday services, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?' 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'
Richard Hausman
Wife Joke!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.Rodney Dangerfield
Advice to my son!
Son, someday you will make a girl very happy, for a short time.Then she'll leave you and be with new men who are ten times better than you could ever hope to be.
These men are called musicians.
Lee Ray
You are unique Joke!
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else!Kip Addotta
Lawyer Joke!
A woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Richard M Hausman
Men Joke!
A man will say anything to get what he wants! Now, some men will deny that, if it will get them what they want!Kip Addotta
Tech Support Joke!
Imagine my dismay when I discovered the meaning of the acronym, on my computer, from tech support - PEBCAK. Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.Patty Quesenberry
Crazy Joke!
It pays to be crazy! I am getting a new house from Habatat for Insanity!Bonnie West
The Pope and the crossword puzzle Joke!
A most trusted Cardinal is sitting next to the Pope while the Pope is working on a crossword puzzle. The Cardinal says, "I think you may have made a mistake, your holiness!The Pope asks, "And what might that be, your excellence?"
The Cardinal says "A 4-letter word, for woman, ending in u-n-t is aunt."
The Pope replies, "Do you have an eraser?"
Richard M Hausman
Flat Tire Joke!
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up.
Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
Bonnie West
Thanksgiving Turkey Joke!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family . She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'Patty Quesenberry
A clever retort!
To tell you the truth I'd have to lie to you!Kip Addotta
Groom Joke!
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Dave Wheeler
Clever saying Joke!
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.Brian Seufert
Red Joke!
What's red and smells like blue paint?..............Red paint!Ken Lodi
Your Boss Joke!
The difference between the Pope and your boss; the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.Brian Seufert
Wife Joke!
Whenever I'm watching the game my wife vacuums!Yesterday, it finally happened!
The security guards threw her out of the stadium!
Kip Addotta
Best Pick Up Line Joke!
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?''No', he replies,
'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.
'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast again.'
Biff Manard
Stock Market Joke!
Got totally slammed by the stock market crash. Would have lost more, but thank god, I ran out of money.Don Gordon
Bank Joke!
"Went to to the store to buy a toaster and they asked me if I wanted a free bank to go with it!"Jack Mayberry
Political Joke!
Dick Cheney was in the hospital again this week.Which means once again, George W Bush was just a heartbeat away from the presidency!
Amanda Cohen CEO of Fine Point Productions, Chicago!
Bill Beckerman
I wonder if you saw the fundraising dinner (Alfred E. Newman?) for Alfred Smith last night. Both Obama and McCain spoke of their extreme respect for their opponents. There was a lot of funny stuff on it, but I really liked hearing how much they respect each other. Why can't the campaigns focus on that?
To paraphase Rumfield: I guess we go to the polls with the system we have instead of the system we wish we had.
Yes, I saw it! NcCain kicked Obama's Ass!
Kip Addotta
I'll vote for McCain as Obama's Court Jester........
Bill Beckerman
Chicken Joke!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Kip Addotta
Economy Joke!
"This is worse than a divorce... I lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.""Mista" Rick Abramson
Penguin Joke!
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"The bartender says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
Kip Addotta
My brother is the goodlooking one. He is a lot taller then me and wears a white dinner jacket with a vest.
Penguin, Bill Beckerman
Mark A Bewski
Dumb Joke!
What has four legs and chases cats?Mrs. Cats and her lawyer!
Kip Addotta
Grizzly bear Joke!
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and slaps his paw on the counter and demands a beer. Bartender replies, "We don't serve bears here."Grizzly roars "Give me a beer!" Bartender replies "We don\'t serve bears here."
Grizzly bellows "I will go down and eat that woman at the end of the bar if you do not give me a beer!" Bartender simply replies again "We don\'t serve bears here."
The grizzly bear runs to the end of the bar and completely eats the woman and then roars out
"You see what I am capable of, Give me a beer!" Bartender says "Don\'t have to now, you will soon be asleep."
Grizzly says "Huh?"
Bartender smirks "That was a barbiturate!" (bar-bitch-u-ate)
Patty Quesenberry
Scientist Joke!
Scientists have found that water may cause drowning in lab rats!Ken Lodi
Lawyer Joke!
Ninety nine percent of lawyers give the other one percent a bad name!Ken Lodi
Hospital Joke!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, female, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.The Nurse, hears him mumble, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
Are - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Bonnie West
Hillary Clinton Email!
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it!It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Brian seufert
Gullible!
Did you know that the word "Gullible" is not in the dictionary?
Kip Addotta
Suicide, Joke!
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge, in Georgia, one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man about to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear Mother and Father.'He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your Wife and Children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the Hell is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
Ken Canup
Department of Labor, Joke!
A man owned a small farm just outside Ludington, MI. The Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and Does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Richard M. Hausman
Poor Floyd, Joke!
Floyd works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Floyd! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks, "Have you been to this club before?"
"Oh no," says Floyd. "He's in my bowling league."
When they are seated, a waitress says, "Floyd, I assumed you'd like your usual," and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Floyd, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Floyd. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Floyd's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Floyd follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Floyd tries desperately to explain, "The stripper must have mistaken me for someone else."
But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Floyd, you picked up a real Bitch this time."
Floyd's funeral will be on Friday.
Richard M. Hausman
The Italian Lover, Joke!
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom, where he 'rattled' her senseless.After a pleasant interlude, he asked, with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The lovemaking finally ended and again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.
Richard M. Hausman
Little Johnny, Joke!
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
Brian Seufert
Wailing Wall, Joke!
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
Morris Fishbien,' he replied.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?
For about 60 years!
60 years! That's amazing!
What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
Brian Seufert
Just Like Frank Feldman, Joke!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman! He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his damn widow!
Brian Seufert
I walked in on my son, Joke!
I walked in on my son and said, "Son that will cause blindness!"He said, "Dad, I'm over here!"
Kip addotta
When I die, Joke!
When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather!Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car...
Kip addotta
Wal-Mart, Joke!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.''Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine Sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine Sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water! And avoid heavy Activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began Wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from His wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get Better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Kip addotta
Jealous Blonde, Joke!
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.The blonde gets very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "NO, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."
Kip addotta
Bankruptcy Joke!
I was worried that I might be going broke, and would have to file bankruptcy.So, I referred to the bible and found the answer!
It was in Chapter Eleven!
Kip Addotta
The Terrorists and the Marine, Joke!
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?'
Richard M Hausman
Auto repair, Joke!
While I was waiting in the auto repair shop's lobby for my car to be repaired recently, another customer came in looking a little frustrated."Listen," the customer announced to the owner of the shop.
"When I bought this premium battery six months ago you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It has already died after only six months!"
The shop owner looked quite mortified.
"I'm very sorry," he apologized. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Kip Addotta
Credit Card, Joke!
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.Kip Addotta
Big Rig, Joke!
Three preachers died and went to heaven.While waiting for St. Peter to let them in a SWIFT and J.B. HUNT driver show up and St. Peter makes the preachers step aside.
This baffled the preachers so they asked. "We've been preaching the good word our whole life, and you make us step aside and let these truckers in before us?" St. Peter replied, "In their first year of driving they have scared "the hell" out of more people then you ever preached to."
Kip Addotta
Proof that men have better friends, Joke!
Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship among men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Richard M Hausman
Snooty Receptionist, Joke!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patients.
; As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,'Yes I have your name here; You want to see the doctor about your impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but, I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Don't mess with old folks!
Gino
Snooty Receptionist, Joke!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patients.
; As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,'Yes I have your name here; You want to see the doctor about your impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but, I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Don't mess with old folks!
Gino
I'm giving up golf, Joke!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.' 'That's no good' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.' 'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?' 'Of course I did!' 'Where did it go?' says Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
Don Gordon
The Old Pilots, Joke!
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Brian Seufert
A morning treats, Joke!
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.
Richard M Hausman
Growing up on the farm, Joke!
When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'?
Ken Canup
Difference between Grandma and Grandpa, Joke!
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter.One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Gino
The Duck, Joke!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.''I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .
'What the heck would they want with a plasterer?'
Ken Canup
A man with six kids, Joke
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a Condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Brian Seufert
We Don't Serve Drunks Here, Joke
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"
Brian Seufert
How the fight started, Joke!
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap,that must be my husband!'So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that folks............is how the fight started.
Brian Seufert
How much work, how much pleasure, Joke!
The Commanding Officer of a U.S. vessel was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, so he decided to kill a little time by asking all assembled a question. 'Now hear this: How much of sex is work and how much is pleasure?'The Executive Officer said 75% work, 25% pleasure.
A Commander said: 50-50.
A lieutenant responded: 25% work, 75% pleasure, depending on how drunk the sailor was at the time.
With no consensus, the Captain turned to the Seaman in charge of making coffee.
'What's your opinion, son?' he asked.
Without hesitation, the young man responded: 'Aye, sir, 100% pleasure aye, sir!'
The Captain was surprised. 'And why is that, sailor?'
'Because, sir, if there was any work involved whatsoever, the officers would have me do it for them!'
Richard M Hausman
Best toast of the night, Joke!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to twist his ear ear to make him come."
Brian Seufert
Never Cheat on a Hillbilly Woman, Joke!
In West Virginia a hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.'
Bonnie West
The Donkey, Joke!
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can 't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
G. Blascoe
Wal-Mart Greeter, Joke!
A very loud, unattractive, foul tempered woman walked into WalMart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The foul tempered woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins." The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just can't believe that you found someone to make love to you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
Marina Torpin
Change Begets Change, Joke!
City Hall in a California city:"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law.
If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And my brother Tim wants to marry me, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!
Brian Seufert
I appreciate your comment!
Tolerance should be extended towards gay people and it is by law and spirit. Tolerance from gay people to the rest of us should be extended but it is not.
Many people do not understand this whole gay thing and every once in a while it will be commented on. If you cannot see the irony that we see in this joke, then, you may be too close to the forest to see the trees.
We the people have created laws to protect all sorts of minorities even though we do not understand their behavior. I support these laws and your defense of a lifestyle. But more and more people who are gay say inappropriate things about straights and we take it stride even though it offends us. Thats what tolerance is!
There is nothing negative towards gays in this little exchange. The point of the story is that we must be careful when we make laws that can be abused, twisted and used to bring on all sorts of havoc. Like the lady in Hawaii who petitioned the courts to marry a dolphin. Her wishes were denied. To her she was treated unfairly. She loved the dolphin and did not understand why a state that allowed same sex marriage would not allow her to marry an animal.
The joke points out that we should draw a line somewhere.
Still love you too
Kip Addotta
Point taken
I am straight and work a lot with gay couples and they have been persecuted for years
It is nice that they are equal under the law.
Alan Katz
Sailor does a good deed, Joke!
A beautiful young blonde, New York woman, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River.But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man in uniform stopped her.
You have so much to live for, said the man. Look, as you can see, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches, a little wine, and then he would make love to her until dawn.
However, three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What the heck are you doing here? asked the captain.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she replied. He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe! Plus, he's screwing me every night.
I guess he is, replied the captain.
This is the Staten Island Ferry!
Richard M Hausman
Yearly Physical, Joke!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Brian Seufert
Mental Hospital, Joke!
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, 'Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Richard M Hausman
Screaming Drunk, Joke!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.A few minutes later a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to the bathroom door and yells, "What's all the screaming about? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm sitting here on the toilet, (slurs the drunk) and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Brian Seufert
Underwear, Joke!
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the hell?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'
Richard M Hausman
Post Office Interview, Joke!
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'
"Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes, I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, "Yes an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, however, you can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"
"This is a government job! For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Richard M Hausman
Polish Sausage, Joke!
A shopper asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Richard M Hausman
The Midget and the Doctor, Joke!
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
He then stood the midget up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midge to cough again, "Aha!" said the doctor once more.
He turned around, reached for his surgical scissors, snip-snip-snip-snip, the midget heard on the right side...then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
August Smith
Depression, Joke!
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
The man on the other end of the line got excited and said, "Really? Can you drive a truck?"
Peter Sherman
Bullfrog, Joke!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune."Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"
"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 130 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
Brian Seufert
The $800.00, Joke!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Brian Seufert
Talking Dog, Joke!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a bullshitter .. He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
Richard M Hausman
Senior Moment, Joke!
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation."You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"
Richard M Hausman
Two old men in a park, Joke!
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court ..........I pled 'guilty'..........."The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Brian Seufert
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center, Joke!
As the hypnotist went to the front of the meeting room at the senior center, he announced,'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance,I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...'
The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.
It took THREE DAYS to clean up the senior center.
Bonnie West
Bar Sues Local Church, Joke!
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started building a structure to house up their new business.The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how
I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.
Curtis Parham
Marketing Joke!
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
My poor fellow, dont you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People arent going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youre sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: Moishe, look whos trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.
Kip Addotta
Mark A. Elewski
The new supermarket, Joke!
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
Bonnie West
The secret to long life, Joke!
A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously to the age of a hundred and three, when he died.
He left behind fourteen children, thirty grandchildren, forty five great-grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
Richard M Hausman
A man's Best Friend Joke!
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Bonnie West
Wal-Mart Joke!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies? 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband? 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So do 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.
The doctor said he should be back to work in the next couple of weeks as soon as his head wound heals from the 20lb turkey she hit him with.
Richard M Hausman
The Lie Detector!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Biff Manard
The Lie Detector!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Biff Manard
Own or rent?
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour.
Crazy, right?
But...
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Is it just me, or is it better to rent .
G. Blascoe
Bubba's Truck Joke
"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?""Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Bonnie West
Confession Joke?
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
4 months vacation and five good leads.
Bobby Frank Dino
Marathon Joke?
Recently I was asked to run a marathon.At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought........
Wow...I could win this thing.......!
Don Gordon
Robert Edwards
Kip
Robert Edwards
Would you Remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably It is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."
WIFE: - silence - HUSBAND: " . . . sh # t."
Joyce Wolf
Cheatin' Wife?
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Brian Seufert
The Amish and the elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a but ton.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son .....
"Go get your mother."
Brian Seufert
The Pastor's Children...
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Richard M Haausman
Hillary is pregnant...
Hillary goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and, as a Senator of New York, this had to happen to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming; 'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?'
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very, quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, 'Who is this?
Don Gordon
Thirteen...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13."The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and I looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....."
Richard M Hausman
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...
A southern perspective........As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US!
Bonnie West
you are sooooooooooo right about this!!!....... my god !!!!!!
Bob Edwards
Leather Bodice, Stiletto Heels! Joke
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love all night long.
The mistress: 'Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything..... but we had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
Richard M Hausman
Guess who I ran into! Joke
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Kathleen Nolan
Dear Dad! Joke
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad. 'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and tatoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people who live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
P. S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Richard M. Hausman
My Dad At The Mall! Joke
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response as I knew he would have a good one.
I was right!
In his classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Paul Bigler
Vacation Joke
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Richard M. Hausman
Election 2008 Joke
I can't figure out why we're are even bothering to hold an election.On one side, we have a shrew who is married to a lawyer, and an elitist who is married to a lawyer.
On the other side, we have a true war hero married to a woman with huge boobs who owns her own beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
Kip Addotta
An old man was crying Joke
A man about 90 years old was sitting on a park bench crying.A young man was jogging by and noticed the old man sobbing,
The young man stopped and asked the old man why he was crying?
The old man said, "I have a 35 year old wife. She cooks for me, washes my cloths for me and we have sex 3 days a week,"
The young man said, "Then, why are you crying?"
The old man said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Gino Camelli
A woman and a baby Joke
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Richard M. Hausman
Toast Joke
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'.
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Richard M. Hausman
Chelsea Clinton goes on a date
After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.Chelsea replies she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary Clinton then asks,
'You didn't have sex, did you?'
Chelsea replies: 'Not according to Dad.'
John Devries
Letter from a farm kid Joke
(Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training.)Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,! bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what ! they cal l hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
As Sent By: Randolf Johnson
Harley for Sale Joke
A guy wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. ''No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at his girls mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her, too, right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silnce.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough! I'll do the damn dishes!'
Brian Seufert
Pearly Gates Joke
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
Richard M. Hausman
Bubba Died
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician ask, ' How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Bonnie West
Sun Bathing Jewish Lady
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida.She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, She gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Don Gordan
Lawyer Joke
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Joyce Wolf
Stop People Bugging you To Get Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Richard Hausman
The Body Builder Joke
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great Chest you have!'He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive Calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
Audrey Lord-Hausman
A Short Love Story. Joke
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunkand she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach in to the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn 'blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Brian Seufert
Things you don't want to hear a blind date say. Joke
1. I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.2. Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
3. Before we go out we have to get the rules straight. Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
4. That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
5. Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
6. This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
7. Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
8. You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female impersonator.
9. I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
10. Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my nappy.
Kip Addotta
Triplets Joke
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and shot the dog.'
Michael Hinsley
Puns and Groaners
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
10. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 15. This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
And from Doug Sherwin, Clearfield, UT:
There were three son's who decided their beef cattle operation needed a name. They were stumped. Then one son said, "I've got it! We'll call it Focus."
"Why Focus?"
Because that where the "sun's rays meet."
Bonnie West
The moral of that story! Joke
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking".
Kip Addotta
Blonde Two Coats! Joke
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''
Biff Manard
Blonde Public Works! Joke
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
Biff Manard
Paperboy! Joke
A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful young woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She asks to know the total due and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars.She tells him she doesn't have the 16 bucks but in trade she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, what the hell and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out a Styrofoam ring, and begins to slide it over his penis to make it shorter. The girl coos to him Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that! He looks over at her and says ''Bitch, you ain't getting all this for 16 dollars!
Richard M. Hausman
Man's Best Friend! Joke
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Richard M. Hausman
The Peanut Joke
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'that's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'
Brian Seufert
High School Reunion Joke
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.......
Biff Manard
Things I wonder about Joke
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Bonnie West
Desperate For Sex Joke
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office but she was dating someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you... 'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The asshole had all quarters!'
Brian Seufert
Thinning the herd Joke
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.Honorable Mention
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.Runner Up
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.And the winner is
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Shit happens!"
Brian Seufert
The decision Joke
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But, if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Brian Seufert
You CAN Be The Man Of Your House Joke
A man just finished reading a book titled, "You CAN Be The Man Of Your House."He stormed in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal, and when I'm finished eating, you will serve me a fine dessert.
After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."
Joyce Wolf
Who has the best pubs joke
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion on Moscow Road, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Belfast, there's Mick's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down Paddy's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted Paddy. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
Richard M. Hausman
You Might Be A Arab Red Neck If....
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry high explosives in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. You've frequently uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
1. You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.
Brian Seufert
Gorilla Joke
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
Gary Blascoe
Perfect Breats Joke
A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for$100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bitethem or not?"
"Nah", says the little old Jewish man............... "Costs too much..."
Jack A Klein
Thoughts Joke
A lady walks into a Tiffany's jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little farting accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a nattily dressed, overindulgent looking salesman standing right behind her.
Crisp as a cucumber and displaying an ultra effete presence, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
Responding in a very patronizing manner he answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Richard M. Hausman
Thoughts Joke
1. There are two sides to every divorce...Your's and Shithead's.2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea'.
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect!
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains'.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Sue Ann
Bob and the blonde joke
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw th is earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...
Bonnie West
"Condum Joke"
A young Georgia man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist:"I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection.
How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 including tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says.
"Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?
Brian Seufert
" Cannibal Restaurant Joke"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, Why such a price difference for the Politician?
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit it takes all morning."
Bonnie West
"Mafia Godfather Joke"
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
Audrey Lord-Hausman
"The Job Applicant Joke"
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes up to the registration desk to learn more.Showing the career counselor, sitting behind the desk, the Job card, he asks: "Can you give me some more details about this?"
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies, then goes to a wall map behind him. "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" asks the applicant.
"No sir - that's where the end of the applicant's line is now!"
Biff Manard
"What's a husband to do Joke"
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'And he replied: 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And he began:
Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.'
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. 'Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years , but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.' 'I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.
He took a quick breath and continued:
She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please.......do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Richard M. Hausman
"Second opinion Joke"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Biff Manard
"A beer before it starts Joke"
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beerWhen he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Oh shit, it's started."
Bonnie West
"The Thinking Problem Joke"
Be sure to read to the end It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's, the week before, it was /Animal House. then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a Democrat.
Bonnie West
"Silent but deadly"
An elderly couple was attending church services .About halfway through the service, she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid!
Bonnie West
"Hormone Treatment Joke"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her...She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls," she answered.
Brian Seufer
"Viagra Joke"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Kip Addotta
"Art Thief Joke"
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsier that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet
to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
Bonnie west
"Elton John Joke"
Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee and Elton John were walking over a bridge.Paris trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of sideways glances, Tommy Lee pulls down her panties and shags her senseless.
He stands back and says, "Your turn Elton."
Elton starts crying uncontrollably.
"What's up with you?" asks Tommy Lee.
Elton sobs, "I don't think my head will fit between the railings!"
William Towery
"A Greek and an Italian Joke"
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Bonnie West
"Veterinarian Joke"
My Veterinarian is also a Taxidermist!The great thing about him is that no matter what happens, you get your dog back!
Kip Addotta
"Mood Ring Joke"
A man, being unhappy with his girlfriend's attitude swings, bought her a mood ring so he would be able to monitor her disposition.They discovered that when she was in a good mood, it turned green.
When she was in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond
Brian Seufert
"Blonde Joke"
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'. She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Brian Seufert
In fact, I'll be drinking a sensible red solution and go to sleep.
Thanks, billb
"Pay Scale Joke"
The man owned a small farm in Indiana.The Indiana StateWage &Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's beenwith me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Gary Blascoe
"Blonde Joke"
You know what the first thing that a blonde girl does after having sex, don't you?She introduces herself,...then climbs out of the back seat!......
Mark
"Promiscuous Woman Joke"
A very promiscuous woman with a bad reputation married at 16 and had 13 children. Her husband died when she was 25.She remarried again at 26 and had 8 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, at 32, she remarried again and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died of heart failure in a wild orgy scene in when she was 37.
At the funeral the priest looked down at her body and prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
At the end of the funeral, two women were walking towards their car, when one of the ladies, turned and quietly asked her friend, " When the priest said, 'At last they're together,' Do you think was talking about her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he was talking about her legs."
Mike Callie
"Tree Joke"
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son ofa birch? The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither ason of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash Ihave ever put my pecker in.
Gary Metz
"Just passing on some important, but tragic info...Joke"
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaRise, the man who wrote "The Hokie Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93.The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin...They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..........
Are you smiling yet?
Bonnie West
"Space Aliens joke"
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a Well-known UFO incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government.However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when space aliens breed with sheep?
Bonnie West
After all, they ARE the fxxking animals!
Richard M. Hausman
Now that very same soul is struggling to get out and find another body. I can feel it.
That's when you die - when your soul crashes out of your body and and your body begins to fall to decay.
Soon my soul will blaze across the skies once again, burning brighter than ever before, as is required now that the skies are not as dark as they were back in '47.
Tommy Joe
not sure what's scarier,.......those liberals,................or the fact that you and i think soooooo much alike!!!
have a great weekend my friend!!!
"Sunday school teacher joke"
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" ?One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Bob Parks
"Blonde Gets Home Early joke"
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting."What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids?!"
George Dondero
"The best blonde joke ever"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then " he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Victor Addotta
I dated a girl like that once....................
It was a blind date so she let me put this leather harness on her.
And I forget the rest of the story........ Drum Roll, please.
billb
"The Wedding Test Joke!"
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Marilee
"A musician finale Joke!"
A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He's been turned-down by every record company he's ever contacted. No one seems to recognize his unique genius.So, he decides to top himself, and comes up with an ingenius plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life.
He books time at a recording, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says, and every sound he hears, and then copy it all onto 500 CDs, and send one to every record company executive on the list that he hands the engineer.
The guy walks into the vocal booth; the red light is on, and he begins...."This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company ass-holes who've ignored me for all these years. I've dedicated my life to writing and performing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, stupid bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of fuckin' morons; you dumb pricks, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to this! Goodbye you fuckin' murderers of art!"
With that, he places a gun to his head and blows his brains out. The sound engineer looks up from the console, hits the talk-back button, and says, "Okay. That's fine. I've got a good level. Let's go for one."
Ron
It's very difficult to get a recording contract. Even The Beatles were turned down at first. This joke is similar to "Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille."
Biff Manard
"Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven Joke!"
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And poof she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and poof she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't Ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and Says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Ron
"The Police Joke!"
There was a beating, at my door, at three AM!"Open Up, It's The Police!"
I open up and sure enough it's the police.
Sting was there and all the guys! They had their guitars!
We had a hell of a time!!
Kip Addotta
That was possibly the worse joke I've ever heard!
Rick Messina
Kip
"My new diet Joke"
You have to take care of your body. I'm proud of the fact that I have lost 23 pounds.My Doctor put me on a special diet!
I lose a pound and a half a week.
I figure, in two years I'll be gone!
Kip Addotta
"People ask me Joke"
People ask me, Kip, do you drink before you go on stage, do you snort cocaine?Well, I will take a drink now and then, but as far as cocaine is concerned...
I am proud to say that the only thing that has ever been up this nose is this finger!
Kip Addotta
Someone once asked May West if she smoked after sex............. She hesitated, smiled and slowly replied, "I don't know, I've never looked."
Happy Day.
billb
"My new show Joke"
I have begun production on a show that takes place in the 1960'sIt's the story of three 'under cover' cops who travel with a circus and fight crime in every town along the circuit.
It's called, "Charlie's Midgets"
So, I've got that going for me!
Kip Addotta
I understand the premise however you may want to ask your psychiatrist to prepare you for failure...unless of course one of the cop midgets is Jewish.
I also have a new TV show. It's about 3 undercover agents teaching geometry. Charllie's Angles!
Bonnie West
I am starring in a new show called "That Really Hurts" where contestants who answer incorrectly receive painful torture by retired WWF steroid users who earn bonuses based on the damage done. Sounds like fun huh?
Too Funny!
The underground growth hormone ring is running rampant among circus midgets.
Because so many midgets are on the growth juice, Now, only about 15 midgets fit into the circus car.
This premise should be a showing up on YouTube Webisodes.
Nehl
I was just wondering do you do or were you planing on doing any more live stand up and if so where because I would love ot see it and I know some friends of mine would too!
Brian
Are you really producing this show, or is this just a joke?
Mike
I have everything I own invested in it!
Kip
"My wife sure is stupid (redneck humor) Joke"
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. ."
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."
Brian Seufert
"Doggy Goes to College Joke"
A young Texan goes off to The University of Texas, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at UT that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Bonnie West
"Accident Joke"
I rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road. The driver slowly gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started . .
Dan Gibbs
"Gotta Love NY Girls Joke"
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.The girl from New York, being friendly said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from.... bitch?"
Joyce Wolf
That one actually got an out-loud laugh out of me, thanks.
Tommy Joe
"Senior Dating Joke"
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Bob Parks
"Bad Sunburn Joke"
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do, Doctor?"
The doctor replies "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Joyce Wolf
"Amish Sex Education Joke"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, My hands are freezing cold..The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, My hands are freezing cold. The girl replied, Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up. He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, My nose is cold. The girl replied Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up. He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was agai n driving with the daughter, and he said, My penis is frozen solid...
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, Have you ever heard of a penis?
Slightly concerned the mother said, Why, yes. Why do you ask? The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
Bonnie West
"The Bathtub Test joke"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Bonnie West
Hey Kip:
These last two days have been pretty good. I'm speechless........ But I would have offered a straw.........BTW: What is the bathtub filled with?
billb
"Backyard contemplation joke"
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult dayI said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now I have to finish your lawn."
Richard Hausman
In my community Back East, we used to talk to the lawn statues and got the same answers. Only their accent was Middle Eastern.
Go figure.
Yes, I must go ..........
billb
LOL
LOL
Bill Bobal
"A short Story Joke"
One day, Long, long ago, there lived a woman who, did not whine, nag, or bitch........But this was a long time ago.....
And it was just ONE day.
The End
Bonnie West
Just the ONE DAY might even be a stretch.
Thanks for the link.
Nehl Bobal
"The very first ever Blonde Guy joke.... And well worth the wait !!!!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch '.
Bob Parks
billb
"Nun is better than nothing Joke"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staringHe replies. "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. " Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."
Bonnie West
That's not a joke............ I knew Kevin back in San Francisco in the 1980's I can't believe it's turned into folklore!
billb
"Good News, Bad News, Great News Joke"
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry, Mr. Brown, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Brown shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!
Bonnie West
"Skin Graft Joke"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Brian Seufert
"The Cuckoo Clock Joke"
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckoo ed twice more, and then tripped Over the coffee table and farted.
Bonnie West
" A 5-yr old's first job - Touching stuff; worth the read...Joke"
Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the God damn' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Brian Seufert
I knew you were up to something with that story.
billb
"The Zen of Sarcasm Joke"
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Kevin Saisi
"Cross a donkey with an onion Jokes"
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you get lucky, and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Biff Manard
"How Dry Is It In Kentucky Jokes"
It is so dry in Kentucky that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling.The Methodists are using wet-wipes.
The Cumberland Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
And the Roman Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Bonnie West
"Husband and Wife Joke"
" While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in- one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Kathleen Nolan
"The blonde says, thank you and hangs up.
Kathleen Nolan
Blonde Joke
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Kathleen Nolan
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Bonnie West
"A man and woman were having dinner Joke"
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. But the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Kip Addotta
"An artist had been working on a nude portrait"
An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"
Kip Addotta
"Psychiatric study on the kind of face a woman finds attractive Joke"
A very interesting study:A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are planned at this time.
Kip Addotta
"Family Gathering Joke"
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he was asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
Binnie West
"Mid-life crisis Joke"
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde.""Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Brian Seufert
"Evening Prayers Joke"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's The matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst Day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened To me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Brian Seufert
"Priest Joke"
A Priest is talking to his bishop about how the reputation of the church is so shameful these days. How he feels like he has to prove to the whole world hes not some evil child molester.The Bishop tells the guy he doesnt have to worry about the whole world just concentrate on the jury, stupid.
John Washburn
"Some people say I'm no fun Joke"
Let's heat up some Root Beer and throw a party!Kip Addotta
"Parrot on an airplane Joke"
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the Seat next to him.The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass I want it right Now! "
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, You got a lotta balls."
Kathleen Nolan
"Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 Joke"
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Racing 3.6.I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Don Gordon
"Cremated Husband Joke"
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.Picking up the urn that he was in, She poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...
"Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurence money!".
She paused foe a moment tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Bob, remember that car you promised me? Well I also bought it with the insurence money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said. "Bob. that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurence money!"
Finally, still tracing! Her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Bob, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes!
Bonnie West
"Seven Dwarfs Joke"
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
Hello, hello, she called. Can anyone hear me? Hello For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called once again, Hello. Is anyone down there?
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.
The voice said, Vote for Hillary Vote for Hillary.
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, Oh, thank God! At least Dopey is still alive!
Bonnie West
"Afterlife Joke"
Troy and Amanda made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life together, the husband Troy was the first to die. True to his word he made contact,"Amanda....Amanda. "
"Is that you, Troy?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Troy you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Brian Seufert
"Slow Golfers Joke"
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Brian Seufert
"Terrorist Threats Joke"
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea suppliesall but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Peter Sherman
"Einstein's Theory Joke"
March 19th was Einstein's birthdayHe would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, The attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Oh, be quiet... I didn't write this,
I just received it and sent it on to you!...
Brian Seufert
"Three dogs at the vet's Joke"
Three male Labrador Retrievers~~One chocolate, One yellow and One black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my Owner's bed".
The black Lab said, " So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked," why are you here?'
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow Lab and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said," So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black Lab said......."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Brian Seufert
"Purchase Cyanide Joke"
A woman walked into her small-town pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and ! He said, "Lord, have mercy.I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and...and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now...You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Joyce Wolf
"unusual funeral Joke"
A guy was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wifes's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her".
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife wen the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Kip Addotta
"Straight in the eye Joke"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Kathleen Nolan
"Dedicated Golfer Joke"
A man was at the club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his Cell Phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require around the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor laughed and said, 'Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?'
Steven Alan Green
"G. Man Joke"
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 Cell Phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
Kevin Saisi
"Peek-A-Boo Joke"
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, ICU.
Kathleen Nolan
"Mistress Joke"
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband, and walks off."Who was that?" demands the wife.
"If you must know, that was my mistress."
"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up the big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress."
"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."
Kip Addotta
"Ship Wreck Joke"
An HMO Executive, a teacher and a banker were in a sailboat. Suddenly the boat hit a large rock which tore a hole in the bottom of the boat. To their horror they discovered that the life raft only had room for two passengers. A beautiful tropical island was visible on the horizon, but the water was infested with bloodthirsty sharks.While the teacher and banker were wondering what to do, the HMO executive dove into the water and began to swim toward the island. The others got into the raft and paddled off.
When they finally arrived on the shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. "How did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?" they demanded.
"Easy," he replied as he took another sip, "Professional courtesy."
Kip Addotta
"How I became Kip Addotta
I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.My dad came to visit and fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then he married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.
As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Bartender?.. Two more!
Kip Addotta
"Poor Dog
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.
Bonnie West
"Some people never retire
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.
Brian Seufert
"Fake Orgazms
If you wonder why women fake orgazms look to the reason men fake foreplay!Kip Addotta
"rabbit and the snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.""That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. And when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a Politician.
Kathleen Nolan
"Sax Player
A very intense tenor player is sitting at the bar, coming down after playing all night. An absolutely gorgeous and shapely young lady shyly approaches him and says:"Excuse me. I hope I'm not intruding, but I must tell you that I heard you play tonight. I don't know much about Jazz, but I've never been so deeply affected by it before. Your playing woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your solos touched me deeply, and I want to take you home with me. I want to make wild, mad passionate love to you all night long."
He stares at her for a moment, and then asks, "Were you here for the first or second show?"
Don Gordon
"A lawyer and a blonde joke
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long>flight. The lawyer asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. So she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She a asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the air-phone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Bonnie West
"Cows, The Constitution and The Ten commandments Joke"
CowsIs it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Bonnie West
"Tamato Garden Joke"
An Old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Kathleen Nolan
"Broke Back Mountain Lady Joke"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
Brian Seufert
"Why you never Question a drunk Joke"
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, butI was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Bonnie West
"Hillary Clinton Joke"
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important.This one has been circulating for months (See FW: list).
Please, keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail address list.
1. Bill
2.
Brian Seufert
"Sister Mary Joke"
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of the them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Bonnie West
"Why Italians can't be Paramedics Joke"
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.Vinny whips out his Cell Phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence . and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what ?"
Brian Seufert
"I know you Joke"
You're the guy that shot the guy that used to be my gal!Kip Addotta
"A blonde called 911 Joke"
A blonde called 911 on her Cell Phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Kathleen Nolan
"Golfing Nun Joke"
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird.... in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother Superior.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!"
Kathleen Nolan
"In the Bathroom Stall Joke"
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"I'm not the type to start a conversation in the rest room; but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
O.K., this question is just too weird for me; but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them: "No........I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Brian Seufert
"No Underwear Joke"
A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, take their wives golfing....The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.
"The Swede immediately reaches into, his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me.
"Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.
"The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency,
here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
Brian Seufert
"Bet Joke"
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, Ill bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."The wife thought for a few moments, then said, How much you're willing to bet?"
"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.
"That's all?" inquired the wife.
"OK, two hundred."
"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.
Felling pretty good, the hubby announced, "Five hundred!"
The wife twinkled her nose and calmly said,
"Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."
Bonnie West
"Vacation Joke"
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
Kathleen Nolan
"Hole in one Joke"
Three guys tee off and the last one hits a hole in one. A genie appears and says, "On a hole in one you can hace infinite beauty and health, or limit less money or ultimate wisdom.. the guy takes the wisdom. The genie disappears and his friends says to him, Well? And the guys says, I shoulda taken the money.Jack Mayberry
"Guinness Book of World Records Joke"
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
Brian Seufert
"Girl's night out Joke"
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!
Bonny West
"Apple Computers Joke"
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Dinny Chisholm
"Brain-Dead Joke"
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a democrat in the family before"
Bonnie West
"Fire Joke"
Teach a man to make a fire and hell be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and hell be warm for the rest of his life.Don Gordon
"Blonde Painter Joke"
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked!
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over. so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
Brian Seufert
"More Blondes Joke"
Two bowling league teams, one all brunettes and one all blondes, decide to charter a bus to Las Vegas for the weekend.The group charters a double-decker bus for the trip.
The brunette team sits on the bottom deck, and the blondes sit on the top deck of the bus.
During the trip, the brunettes have a great time laughing, talking, and singing.
After a while, one brunette realizes that she hasn't heard anything from the blondes on the upper deck.
She climbs up the stairs and sees the blondes all sitting upright, staring straight ahead, and clasping their armrests tightly.
"What's going on up here?" she asks, "We're having a great time downstairs."
One blonde slowly leans over and whispers, "Of course you're having a good time. YOU have a driver."
Brian Seufert
"Check out line Joke"
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would y0u like to buy?"
Bonnie West
"Common Sense Joke"
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Good to Know!
Bonnie West
"Common Sense Joke"
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more common sense than you have.Brian Seufert
"Red Ribbon Joke"
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring."Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's Testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were . . . Or what we did . . . But, by God . .
We took first and second place!
Kip Addotta
"Kids Joke"
If it weren't for kids, parents would live forever!Kip Addotta
"President Hillary Clinton Joke"
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine sentry standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and Said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the Man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man smiled and answered, "Oh, I understand you fine Marine; I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir!"
Kip Addotta
"Kids Joke"
If it weren't for kids, parents would live forever!Kip Addotta
"A sence of Taste Joke"
A teacher was doing a study testing the sense of taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're ass-holes
Marina Torpin
"Hillary Country Joke"
A man walked into a bar in Lexington, Kentucky and ordered a drink.While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"
Bonnie West
"My Girlfriend Joke"
I thought my girlfriend left me for another man!But, according to the rumors I've heard, she left me for all the other men!
Kip Addotta
"Sex and Gas Joke"
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Brian Seufert
"Signs That You're Depressed Joke"
* You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.* You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."
* You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
* You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
* Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root canal.
* On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
* You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
* Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
* Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
* You've cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.
Kip Addotta
"Hit Man Joke"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Wow I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked, too! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" he asked impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
Kip Addotta
"Chosing The Right Women Joke"
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each other.
Kip Addotta
"Hollywood Dictionary Joke"
Yes Means, No!No means, maybe!
Maybe means, No!
Kip Addotta
"Kin Joke"
Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy said to the 2nd guy, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday, and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, then scratched his head and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he replied, "Well, I don't know about making us kin, but it sure would make us even."
Don Gordon
"Well Endowed Joke"
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed."Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it," Bob explains.
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it, Jim"
A few months later, in the same locker room, Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I've lost two inches already!"
Bob questioned, "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco," Jim said.
"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Jim, Crisco's shortening!"
You gotta follow the recipe!
Brian Seufert
"It's a guy thing Joke"
Husband and Wife in bed together.She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
Brian Seufert
"ADDOTTA Joke"
ADDOTTA: Attention Deficit Disorder Of The Typical AdolescentADDOTTA: Attention Deficit Disorder Of The Teenage Animal
ADDOTTA: Attention Deficit Disorder Of The Tormented Adult
Oinkst
"Stupid People Joke"
The question I have pondered is, "Do people who are stupid know that they are stupid?" Or, as I have observed, do stupid people think that they are smarter than those around them.I once said that the most intelligent thing one can say is, "I don't know!" Stupid people always seem to think they know everything! Hence the constant retort, I know, I know, I know!
These people who stiff arm you with, I know, I know have always said, "I know, I know and that is why they know very little. Because, stupid people never given anyone a chance to inform them about anything.
Even writing this, I wonder if "I" am stupid! But, then I think, maybe I am not stupid because I contemplate the fact that I could be stupid. I don't know!
Kip Addotta
"Sexual Harassment Joke"
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
Who Knows
"Government Checks Joke"
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "No, I just assumed the Democrats were back in power."
Bonnie West
"Gasoline Joke"
3/14/07Today, I paid Three Dollars and Twenty Nine point Nine cents a gallon for gas!
Bend over, Insert Nozzle!
Someone asked how we're paying for the war in Iraq!
Gee, I'll have to think it through and get back to you on that one!..
Kip Addotta
"What does your father do for a living? Joke"
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up.Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher prodded him. Justin replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret he takes his clothes off and men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Bonnie West
"Blonde Golf Balls Joke"
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets filled with golf balls!A puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. After many of these glances the man said, "Golf Balls."
The blonde continued to look at him, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, her curiosity got the best of her and she asked,
"Do they hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Bonnie West
"Inheritance Joke"
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Bonnie West
"Corvette Joke"
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go"
The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
Bonnie West
"Farts Joke"
Do you know why men fart more than women?Women can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the necessary pressure!
Bonnie West
"A hundred dollars Joke"
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. He prayed but nothing happened.Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington,
DC... and those 'ass holes' deducted $95.00 in taxes!"
Brian Seufert
"Two old friends Joke"
One afternoon two old friends meet on the sidewalk. The first man says. I just got the best hearing aid in the world. Its fantastic! I have never been able to hear this well! Its opened up a whole new world to me!The second man says, What kind is it?
The first man says, About 2:30!
Kip Addotta
"Confused Joke"
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!Joshua Johnson
"Husband Wanted Joke"
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted."Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Kathleen Nolan
"Two old friends Joke"
One afternoon two old friends meet on the sidewalk. The first man says. I just got the best hearing aid in the world. Its fantastic! I have never been able to hear this well! Its opened up a whole new world to me!The second man says, What kind is it?
The first man says, About 2:30!
Kip Addotta
"No Parking Joke"
"NO" Parking is reserved for "NO", as opposed to "Handicap" Parking.If I have a license plate that says "NO", then all places in the country with signs saying "No Parking" must be reserved for me.
Kevin Saisi
"How Girls Get Babies Joke"
A little boy runs into the kitchen and announces to his mommy, "I know how you get babies"!His mommy says, "and, how is that?' The little boy says, "you put a penis in your mouth!"
The mommy says, No, honey, that's how you get jewelry!
Bruce Baum
"Marriage Counselor Joke"
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 35 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 35 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says, "I can bring her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I'm golfing."
Brian Seufert
"Hmmmmm Joke"
Have you ever noticed that we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?Mark Alloway
"wife and the exterminator Joke"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom when her husband came home.The wife said, "Quick, into the closet!" And she pushed the stark naked exterminator into the closet.
The husband, however, was suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" asked the husband.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone!"
"What are you doing in our closet?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths!"
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
Brian Seufert
"W.I.F.E. Joke"
Husband asked spouse, "Do you know the meaning of W.I.F.E.?"It's: Without Information, Fighting Everytime."
Wife replied, "No, It means, With Idiot For Ever!"
Brian Seufert
"Mistress Joke"
What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and the Mattress!
Brian Seufert
"Mildred and Earl Joke"
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" The old woman hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Brian Seufert
"Sponges Joke"
How deep would the ocean be if there were no sponges?Kip Addottat
"Wife in bed with... Joke"
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
Kip Addotta
"Congressmen Joke"
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed!Bonnie West
"Sex Drive Joke"
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called wedding cake.
Bonnie West
"Mae West Joke"
Someone once asked Mae West if she smoked after sex. She said, "I don't know, I've never looked!"Bill Beckerman
"How Does Your Garden Grow? Blonde Joke"
A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Brian Seufert
"Exercise Class Joke"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
"Guess Joke"
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me!Kip Addotta
"Ah Life Joke"
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants!Kip Addotta
"Holiday Greeting Joke"
Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all......as well as a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 200 7 , but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, (not to imply that we are necessarily greater than any other country or is the we are the only country in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference.!
Kip Addotta
"Marriage Joke"
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.Bonnie West
"Blond? Joke"
She pulls the keys to her car out of her purse, and offers them to the loan officer. The banker isn't biting yet, and tells her that he has to see the car. They go out front, and the car is a new $300,000 Rolls Royce. He loans her the money, and has his assistant drive her to the airport.Two weeks later, the blonde returns to the bank with the $3,000, plus the $20 interest. By now, everyone has heard of the blonde who secured a $3,000 loan with a $300,000 Rolls-Royce. As other bank officers stood nearby, the banker asks the woman, "You obviously have enough money. Why on earth would you use such an expensive car to secure a small loan like this?"
The blonde answered, "Where else can I park my car for two weeks and get a lift to the airport for $20?"
Mike Purves!
"Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican Joke"
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack."Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"....... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"...
Kathleen Nolan!
"Artificial Intelligence Joke"
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!Bonnie West!
"Nipples Joke"
Why do men have nipples?Just in case! Kip Addotta
"Ming's Prayer Joke"
Dear Lord, hear my prayerFor me, watch over my health and my welfare
For my Family, watch over their health and welfare
For my friends, watch over their health and welfare
For my enemies, see that their bodies are found so their families have closure.
Kip Addotta!
"Daddy Longlegs Joke"
A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. "That's a Daddy Longlegs."
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we're not having any of that shit in Kentucky!!
Bonnie West!
"New Years Eve Joke"
Two drunks are walking down Broadway on New Year's Eve. One walks down the stairs into the subway and then comes back up the steps on the other side of the station. The other drunk says to him "where the hell have you been?"He says "some guy's basement. Boy, has he got a set of trains!" Steve Tierney!
"Three Southerners and three Northerners Joke"
Three Southerners and three Northerners are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket", Asks one of the Northerners.
"Watch and learn!" answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train.
The three Northern men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with the ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerners.
"Watch and learn!" answers a man from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Northerners are hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please"...
(And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war)
Brian Seufert!
"Longer Lasting Sex Joke"
The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Victor Addotta!
"Retirement Joke"
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
Brian Seufert!
"My vacuum Joke"
Kip Addotta!
"Driving in the south Joke"
The trooper walks to the car, motions for the the driver to lower the window which the driver does. Immediately the trooper cracks the driver in the head with his Billie club and asks for the driver's license and registration and insurance card. The driver gathers the paperwork and hands it to the trooper who then again, cracks the driver with the billie club and walks back to his car.
The trooper returns and before handing the driver the ticket, again cracks him in the head with the club and says, "now be on your way, but hang on sec..."
The trooper walks around the car and motions for the passenger to lower his window which he does and the trooper immediatley cracks him with the club...And the trooper says "that's for when you're down the road a piece and turn to your friend and say "I wish he'd tried that crap with me...!"
Jay Isherwood!
"Swearing Joke"
Kip Addotta!
"Blonde Knitting Joke"
Glancing into the car, he was astonished to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting something.
She seemed oblivious to the siren and lights, so he rolls down the window and shouts at her, "PULL OVER!" She yells back "NO! A SCARF"
Bonnie West!
"Welfare Joke"
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
Marina Torpin!
"My Girlfriend Joke"
My girlfriend and I had words but I didn't get to use mine.!Don Gordon
"My New TV Show? Joke"
"Trett Fury and his dog Mike!"Kip Addotta
"How Pure? Joke"
As pure as a church bell on a Swiss countryside!Kip Addotta
"Trilby Lasserman Joke"
Trilby Lasserman is not my real name!My real name is Lum!
Lum Lasserman
Kip Addotta
"Scam Alert Joke"
I don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful to know. It happened to me, it could happen to you.Here's how it works:
Two stunning 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases in your trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer a tip, they say "No" and instead ask for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way there they start making out with each other. Then one of them climbs in the front seat and stsrts touching you all over, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow!
Kip Addotta
"I belonged to a fraternity once Joke"
Awful Towel Omega!Kip Addotta
"Hot enough for ya'? Joke"
It's not the heat!.. It's the humanity!Kip Addotta
"How many flies Joke"
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two!.. But, how do they get in there?Kip Addotta
"Dangerous Game Joke"
How about,"Strip Darts!"Kip Addotta
"Nudists Joke"
Nudists are just like everyone else, their choice of attire is immaterial!Kevin Saisi
"Up the Creek without a Paddle? Joke"
"Madam Butterfly Joke"
Hearing Madam Butterfly sung well, In Germen ...Is not unlike watching Swan Lake, danced well, by the San Francisco Fourty Niners !
Jeffrey Schmidt
"From A to B Joke"
I was on my way from A to B! I wanted to go from A to C but it was under construction!Kip Addotta
"Barbeque Joke"
The other night I was cooking out, when, I realized I was 4 brickettes shy of a bar-b-que! !August
"BIC Lighters Joke"
I've never bought a BIC Lighter nor have I ever thrown one away and yet I always have one! And, every so often mine changes color!Kip Addotta
"Sorry Joke"
That one went down like a submarine with screen doors...!Markus
"How far did you go in school"?
"All the way! Several times!"Markus
"Discardo Royals Joke"
America's No. 1 pre-owned cigars!Discardo Royals! Found in fine gutters near you!
Pick one up today!!
Kip Addotta
"Saving Ryan's Privates Joke"
"Stuck in a fox-hole, he'd be damned if he'd leave his buddy's behind!""Saving Ryan's Privates... See it in a theater near me!"
Kip Addotta
"Poor Husbands Joke"
If a husband falls in the forest, and no one's around, is he still wrong?Biff Manard
"Shiface Malt Liquor Joke"
Shiface Malt LiquorDon't throw a party! Throw a Shiface!
Shiface Malt Liquor! You'll be falling all down!
Biff Manard
"Eating within limits Joke"
A Pizza for beakfast!Two Pizzas for Lunch!
And then a sensible dinner!
Biff Manard
"Stupid? Joke"
He's not the hottest brick in the oven!"Biff Manard
"Dead Wife Joke"
Paramedic, "Your wife has been dead for several days, sir. Why didn't you call us earlier?"Husband, "I didn't notice anything different! The sex was the same, I did notice that the dishes were piling up in the kitchen!"
Kip Addotta
"pope may be infallible, but he may not know everything Joke"
Touring Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. Cruising the campground in the Pope-mobile, he witnessed a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
The horrified Pope watched, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from underneath the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It's the Pope," another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said,"he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"
Barry Lane
"Young Love Joke"
Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest." My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Malcolm Pollack
"Female Poem Joke"
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strongOne who loves to listen all day long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I want him to be gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end
And forever be my very best friend
Christine Lichti
"Male Poem Joke"
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniacwith huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Christine Lichti
"Revenge Joke"
"There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head."
Kevin N. Saisi
"Fat Girl Joke"
"How do you get a fat girl into bed?"piece of cake!
Steven Alan Green
"Good looking, but Joke"
"She's all wrapper and no candy!"Kip Addotta
"A wasted life Joke"
"He's all handle and no pail!"Kip Addotta
"Loud mouth deralict Joke"
"He's all honk and no horn!"Kip Addotta
"Car door remote Joke"
"Today I saw a women who screamed over and over again, "I can't un-lock my car the remote doesn't work" After she had said this twelve or fifteen times I said, "Use the key!" She stoped and thought for a moment, looked at me and said, "Oh, Thank you!"Kip Addotta
"Shifface Malt Liquor Joke"
"Shifface Malt liquor! Don't throw a party. Throw a shifface! you'll be fallin all down and things!"Kip Addotta
"Big talker Joke"
"He's all whistle and no train!"Kip Addotta
"Wrong? Joke"
"I've been wrong before!" I remember it well. It was the day I thought I had made a mistake!"Kip Addotta
"Pick-up line Joke"
"Your weird! What's your phone number?"Kip Addotta
"A woman says Joke"
"Honey, does my ass make this dress look big!"Kip Addotta
"Insult Joke"
"Your a speck of fly shit on the inner thigh of a dockside whore!"Biff Manard
"A doctor Joke"
A doctor, examining his patient says loudly "Mrs. Snider, you're not deaf, you seem to have a suppository stuck in your ear!"She says, "Well, now I know what happened to my hearing aid!"
August
"Cheap Hotel Joke"
Last week I stayed in a really low-class hotel... I called the guy at the front desk and I said "I got a leak in my bathtub!"The front desk says "Go ahead!"
August
"Jews Joke"
I miss the days when everyone loved the Jews!Kip Addotta
"Annoying Joke"
He put the oy in annoying!Kip Addotta
"My excuse Joke"
Pardon my behavior. When I was a child, I was bitten by a mail man!Kip Addotta
Kip Addotta
"Message to US citizens from John Cleese Joke"
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, (which she does not fancy).Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the ransition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
John Cleese
"A rebuttal to John Cleese Joke"
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. ? Regarding WW2: You're Welcome. "
Mathew Cleese
"She was so ugly Joke"
This girl is so ugly that her insurance policy covers her makeup!Victor Addotta
"V.D. Joke"
V.D. is nothing to clap about!The Bubba
"Food For Thought Joke"
If I were food for thought, I'd be a ham sandwich,,, with maybe some mustard and onion!Biff Manard
"Cliche Joke"
I avoid clichee like the plague!Biff Manard
"Cliche Joke"
I figure it's six of one, half dozen of the other!Dan
"Cliche Joke"
They are neither here nor there!Lee Ray
"Cliche Joke"
I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again and again, I hate people that repeat themselves!Joey Gaynor
"Cliche Joke"
I can take them or leave them!Rich
"Cliche Joke"
I wouldn't be caught dead using a cleche!Malcolm Pollack
"Cliche Joke"
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.Mark Alloway
"Name Droppers Joke"
Michael Douglas said, Kip, Never be a name dropper!...Kip Addotta
"A senior moment Joke"
Two elderly couples are having dinner. After dinner is over the two ladies gather up the dishes and retire to the kitchen, leaving the two men alone.The first man said, "We ate at a restaurant last night and I think it was the best food I've ever had!" The second said man said, "What was the name of the place?" The first man thought and thought and finally asked, "What's the name of that red flower that people give, each other?" The friend said, "Carnations?" The first man said, "No! What's the name of that flower that people give each other when they're in love?" The second man said, Rose?" The first man said, "Yes, yes, that's it!" And with that he craned his neck around toward the kitchen and yelled, Rose what was the name of that restaurant we were at last night?"
Don Gordon
"A farmer in Florida Joke"
"It's easy to ignore responsibility but it 's hard to ignore the consequences of ignoring responsibility."Biff Manard
"A farmer in Florida Joke"
The old farmer, in Florida, had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave.
" The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Paula Cowen
"Is your ass too big?" A study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat.. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.Paula Cowen
"Blonde and the Milk Man Joke"
A milkman goes up to a house, and notices a note. It reads "Please leave 15 gallons of milk today. Thank you". He is puzzled by the request, and knocks on the door. A Blond opens the door.The milkman says, "I got your note, and I wanted to make sure I've got this right. You want 15 gallons of milk, not 1.5 gallons? Is that right?" The Blond says, "Yes, that's correct! I'm going to take a milk bath!"
The milkman man says, "Well, that makes sense; say, do you want that pasteurized?"
The Blond says, "No, just up to my boobs, I'll splash some on my face!"
Seve Ballard
"Republican or Democrat, you gotta laugh Joke"
Click here to play videoJeff Haller
"Blonde Joke"
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked,..
"How many is a Brazilian?"
Dinny Chisholm
"Mistaken Identity Blonde Joke"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from so he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now, he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with a wet celery stick and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Rich Yacovelli
"Never piss of a Texas Woman ..... Joke"
A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. Darling I'm going to set this old shed on fire, go to town and have me a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"
Paula Cowen
"Two Nuns ..... Joke"
Two nuns cycling down an ancient street in an old European village. The first one says, "I've never come this way." The second one replies, "Must be the cobble stones!"Jeff Haller
"An orgasm... Joke"
The positive orgasm..............OH YES - OH YES
The religious orgasm............
"OH GOD - OH GOD"
The negative orgasm...........
"OH NO - OH NO"
and the fake orgasm...........
"OH (Your name here) - OH (Your name here)"
Ted Weisbarth
"Typoglycemia ..... Joke"
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. Th!e rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed TypoglycemiaAnzamig huh? Yaeh, and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
Jeff Gotlieb
"Rodeo Position Joke"
Two cowboys were out moving the herd and they were discusing the best sexual position. The first cowboy said" I like being on the bottom." The second cowboy said, "I like the Rodeo possition. "The first cowboy asks, "What's the rodeo position?".. The second cowboy says. " Get your wife up on her haunches and enter her from behind....Put each hand on each of her breasts.....Then say..."These feel just like your sisters...!" Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds!....Betsy
"Cirquit Breakers Joke"
A man and I were having a heated argument about why circuit breakers trip. He said that, A circuit breaker trips when too much power is run through a circuit. And that he should know because he studied physics. I told him that, " I didn't care how much he knew about laxatives, he was still full of crap!Kip Addotta
"Terror Level Joke"
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
Don Gordon
"Parking Spot Joke"
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a very important meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.In desperation, he turns toward heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher food, I'll respect the Sabbath, and all the holidays!"
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him! He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."
Don Gordon
"A new car Joke"
MA couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Don Gordon
"Towel Heads Joke"
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
Don Gordon
"Life Before Computers Joke"
Memory was something you lost with ageAn application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy
You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Lee Rae
"Questions and Answers Joke"
These seem to be very gut-wrenching questions. Hopefully, we now can answer to your satisfaction.
1. Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.
2. Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
3. Q. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
4. Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.
5. Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn't hard.
6. Q. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
A. Call her from your Cell Phone.
7. Q. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her Wedding night?
A. His last name.
8. Q. What's the down side to a threesome?
A. You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
9. Q. Why are hurricanes named after women? (most of the time)
A. Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
10. Q. What's the similarity between a hurricane and an Alabama divorce?
A. Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer
Dinny Chisholm
"Dead Parrot Joke"
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the Funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................."Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired.!"
Lee Rae
"Albert Einstein Joke"
Why did the Mafia kill Albert Einstein?Because, He knew a little too much!
Skip Dominick
"Hangover Joke"
Did you hear bootleggers have a new cure for the hangover; Alka Seltzer mixed with Corn Pone. They call it Alka Pone.John Brooks
"A blonde and Joke"
What did the blonde say when she woke up in the morning with the pro football player?"Wheres the rest of the team"?
John Gardetto
"Devious Rumor Joke"
Evidently there is some question, going around, as to the size of my penis. I must get fifty emails a day, from people I've never even heard of, offering to sell me this or that to improve the size of my dangle. I believe that I am on a list, somewhere! A list of faceless men who have the need to enlarge their tally whackers.Someone out there, maybe even you, has started a low down, lie of a rumor! Maybe you're the one that is putting my name and email address on a list of men who need to extend the size of their bell ringer! If it is you, I demand that you cease and desist! Because, I proclaim to you and all that I have never, at any time, been a member of the group of men that suffer from a disease known as Smallcox. Which is an affliction that strikes one out of every three men and has caused many a wife to drive hundreds of miles to get a few inches away from home!
Kip Addotta
"Where the... Joke"
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately but I can't find it. I lost my mind. I can't find that. Have you seen car keys?John Brooks
"Bermuda Triangle Joke"
Is it just me, or does Tupperware have its own Bermuda Triangle?Kathleen Burgess
"An American Classic Joke"
A Jewish man in Coral Gables asked a Jewish American Princess to marry Him.. She said No and he lived happily ever after. !Don Gordon
"An American Classic Joke"
Two Mohicans walk into a bar and that's the last I saw of them!Kip Addotta
"Two guys walk into a bar... Joke"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks....Steve Chesser
"Two Musicians walk into a bar Joke"
Two musicians who pass a bar and I thought, wow, I've never seen that before!Ursel
"How Many Martinis?... Joke"
"One martini is fine, two at the most, three and I'm under the table and four I'm under the host"Dorothy Parker
"Rolling Stones are so old... Joke"
The words for "Hey you! Get off of my cloud!" have now been changed to, "Hey you! Get off of my lawn!"Chris Rose, Detroit
"Two Fish Joke"
There were two fish swimming in the ocean when one said to the other, "Look,there are two lobsters having lunch. "Let's ask them to share some food."The other fish replied, "They won't, there too shellfish."
John Gardetto, Sunland
"What not to say to the Police Joke"
"I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.""Aren't you the guy from The Village People?"
"Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?"
"Bad Cop! No Doughnut!"
"You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
"I thought you had to be in relatively good condition to be a police officer!"
"So, you on the take or what?"
Jeff Haller, San Diago
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Joke"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they laid down and went to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
atson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately five past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you blithering idiot! What it tells me is that some thief has stolen our tent!"
Bob Brody, Los Angeles
"Good Intentions Joke"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very closely.....Are-my-test-results-back?"
Jeff Haller, San Diago
"come on Joke"
Your Weird!What's your phone number?
Kip Addotta
"Blonde Jokes Joke"
Did you know that there are only seven blonde jokes?The others aren't jokes.
As sent by: Dennis Rogers
"Man Song Joke"
Click here to play the cartoonKip Addotta
"Keep things in perspective Joke"
Yesterday, a hooker approached me and said that she'd do anything I wanted for fifty dollars.I said, "OK, paint my house!"
As sent by: Chris Rose
"Keep things in perspective Joke"
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently in the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope, and with trembling hands, read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It's with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John, and he is so nice, even with all his prcing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it's safe for me to come home.
As sent by: Don Gordon
"What a great day Joke"
I'm having a great day!So, in the spirit of kindness and celebration I have decided to take a pin out of your doll.
Remember, the pin is waiting on the shelf just beside your doll!
Kip Addottta
"But,''And,' 'No,' 'Ah,' 'Just,' Joke"
'But,' 'And,' 'No,' 'Ah,' 'Just,'! Words I avoid at all cost!An argument can be made for using the word 'And' before the last item on a list. 'No' is, of course, a one-word answer to a question. Beyond that these five words are damaging to one's credibility.
I never ever use any of these words because they confuse the meaning of my words.
Statements or questions that cannot be dealt with without using these five words are rare!
Declarative sentences are more powerful and easier for the listener to comprehend.
(Samples)
The wrong way:
"No, we will begin at noon and Bill Jones may, ah, be there, just to watch!"
The right way:
"We will begin at noon! Bill Jones will be there to watch!"
The words 'But,' 'And,' 'No,' 'Ah,' 'Just,' are unnecessary. They diminish the emotional intent of the thoughts you are attempting to deliver. If these words are eliminated from one's vocabulary the people listening to you will suddenly be hearing someone who talks without crutch words. People will find you fascinating. They won't know why but the reason for their increased interest in you is because they are hearing the very rare person who is what we call a "Straight Talker." As a matter of fact I have written an entire paragraph without using one of these communication landmines.
This discipline is not easy but it can be mastered rather quickly. Choose one of these four words and eliminate it from your speech. When that word has been eliminated choose another. Before long you will notice a difference in how others relate to you.
If you want to be a better communicator you might want to give me a call. I can help! I am now coaching!
I am Kip Addotta
I will stop typing now.
""Poor me Joke"
Poor me! Pour me another.As told by: Joyce Addottta
"Fred, the parrot Joke"
You have got to see Fred the parrotAs sent by Joyce Addottta
"Playgirl Magazine Joke"
I'm a "Real Size" model for Playgirl Magazine!As written by: Victor Addottta
"Cell Phone Joke"
Is that a cell phone in your pocket or should you give me a call?As sent by: Geoff Landesberg
"Air Disaster Stupidville Joke"
Stupidville's worst air disaster occured earlier today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery this morning in central Stupidville. Stupidville search and rescue teams have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as the digging continues throughout the day and into the evening..............As sent by: Jeff Haller
"Barber Shop Joke"
A man pokes his head into a Barber Shop. He says, "Bob Peters here?" The Barber says, "No, just shaves and hair cuts?"Kip Addotta
"A way to avoid answering a question Joke"
I'm not a mysterious person, but, I can't tell you and I can't tell you why!Allen Nechy
"Two Trees Joke"
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
"When the woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
As sent by: Dinny Chisholm
"A new wine for seniors Joke"
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.The new wine will be marketed as ----Pino More.
As sent by: Suzanna
"My first book Joke"
I just finished my first book! Yeah, I think I'll read another one! Rodney Dangerfield"Costume Party Joke"
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party....Then he had a bright idea.When the host answered the door, he found this guy standing there with no shirt and no socks and no shoes.
"What the hell are you supposed to be? asked the host.
"Premature ejaculation," said the man. "I came in my pants!"
As sent by: Jeff Haller
"Wedding Joke"
A young Mormon girl married a young Jewish man at The Church Of Latter Day Retailers!Kip Addotta
"How tight was it? Joke"
Tighter than a chicken hawk's ass in the middle of a dive.Kip Addotta
"Redneck Medical Terms Joke"
1. Benign.............What you be after you be eight.2. Artery..............The study of paintings
3. Bacteria...........Back door to a cafeteria
4. Barium.............What doctors do when patients die.
5. Caesarian Section....The Italians part of town
6. CATscan..........Searching for kitty
7. Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her
8. Colic................A sheep dog
9. Coma...............A punctuation mark
10. D & C............Where Washington is
11. Dilate..............To live long
12. Enema............Not a friend
13. Fester.............Quicker than someone else
14. Fibula.............A little lie
15. G.I. Series......World Series of military baseball
16. Hangnail..........What you hang your coat on
17. Impotent.........Distinguished and well known
18. Labor pain......Getting hurt at work
19. Medical staff...A doctor's cane
20. Morbid...........A higher offer than I bid
21. Nitrates..........Cheaper than day rates
22. Node.............I knew it
23. Outpatient......A person who has fainted
24. Pap smear......A fatherhood test
25. Pelvis.............A second cousin to Elvis
26. Post operation.........A letter carrier
27. Recovery room........A place to do upholstery
28. Rectum....................Damn near killed him
29. Seizure.....................Roman emperor
30. Tablet......................A small table
31. Terminal illness........Getting sick at the airport
32. Tumor.....................A couple of extra
33. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
34. Varicose..................Near by/close by
As sent by: Lee Ray
"Is your husband getting, just, a little too familiar? Joke"
I was worried that my tumor would grow and become a threemor and then split and become a fourmer which could mean I'd have to buy one of them ford f150's with a back seat cause it's more roomier for my big tumor and my little cousin Boomer.OY, I just punched myself.
J.J. Bigtime
"Dear Abby Joke"
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, he's been out of work for the past three years and has not looked for a new Job since. All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he does not even pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do..?Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore... You're a United States Senator from New York, act like one.
As sent by: Dinny Chisholm
"Nasty Parrot Joke"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few moments the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour the bird continued:
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
As sent by: Jeff Haller
"How Nutty? Joke"
Nuttier than scwirl shit!As remembered by: Kip Addotta
"Two Dwarfs Joke"
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again. ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" All night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."s.p The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
As sent by: Dinny Chisholm
"In the case of a tie Joke"
In the case of a tie, a case of ties will be awarded!As remembered by: Kip Addotta
"Books Joke"
I love a good book!Books are windows into someone's mind and sometimes they even tell a story.
As a fellow book lover I'm sure that you will agree that books should be maintained and stored properly for their preservation.
To all of you, I offer this advice.
Dust your books once a week.
When you are dusting your books please remember to lift the dust cover and dust under it.
I also recommend washing the dust jacket at least once a year!
Kip Addotta
"Cheating Joke"
My girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back.I said, "yes", "Who the heck did you think it was?"
As sent by: Chris Rose
"Great Lover Joke"
I'm such a great lover that people call me Lawrence of the Labia.Kip Addotta
"Little Jimmy Joke"
Little Jimmy was ditching school and his neighbor stops him on the street and says "Jimmy, why aren't you in school, and wait, what are you doing smoking a cigarette, you're only eight!"Little Jimmy says "So what, I got laid when I was Six!" And the neighbor couldn't help himself and he asked "So, how was it?" And Little Jimmy says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."As sent by: Mark Blucker
"Shipwrecked Joke"
Two sailors and a nurse were shipwrecked on an island. After a week, the nurse was so ashamed of what they were doing that she killed herself.After another week, the two sailors were so ashamed of what they were doing that they buried her.
And after another week, the two sailors were so ashamed of what they were doing that they dug her up again.
As sent by: Mark Blucker
"Predictions for 2005 Joke"
In 2005, I'll get laid and become installed as The King of France!I predict that in 2005, John Kerry will go stark raving mad when one too many people mistake him for Jay Leno!
I predict that in 2005, all women will observe one minute of silence!
In 2005, women will start believing that men are as creative, sensitive and intelligent as they are and for the first time will have true equality!
In 2005, the President will declare December fourth as Heterosexual Pride Day!
I predict that on December the fifth the ACLU will declare Heterosexual Pride Day un-constitutional and call for an end to such silliness!
I predict that in 2005 that men will stop worrying about the size of their penis and Spam Mail will be cut by half!
In 2005, Children will take to piercing their scalps with knitting needles and uncooked spaghetti, while dancing in pools of a nice marinara sauce!
In 2005, reality shows will be taken off the air and be replaced by ducks wondering around in their natural habitat!
In 2005, terrorists will sneak into Mexico and paint all their bridges stupid colors!...Oh, pardon me, that was last year!
Kip Addotta
"Blonde in Elevator Joke"
A blonde gets on an elevator, and a guy already there asks her what floor she's going to. "2nd," she says. "I'm giving blood. They pay $25 a donation.""Oh yeah," says the guy. "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 4th floor. They pay $250 a donation."
A 15 watt light bulb illuminates above the blonde's head.
The next day the blonde gets on the same elevator, and the guy asks her which floor. She replies, barely able to open her mouth, "Forfff Forrrr."
As sent by: Bob Brody
"Yogi Berra on Jazz Joke"
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?Yogi: "I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong."
Interviewer: "I don't understand."
Yogi: "Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it."
Interviewer: "Do you understand it?"
Yogi: "No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it."
Interviewer: "Are there any great jazz players alive today?"
Yogi: "No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it."
Interviewer: "What is syncopation?"
Yogi: "That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds."
Interviewer: "Now I really don't understand."
Yogi: "I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well."
As sent by: Don Gordon
"PMS Joke"
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!"As sent by: Mike Schilling
"Custody Joke"
A judge, in a divorce case, is trying to decide who gets custody of a small boy. The judge said, "I will award custody to the mother". The little boy said, "No, my mother beats me!" The judge said, "In that case, I will award custody to the father". The little boy said, "No, my father beats me". The judge says, "Then, I will award custody to the grandparents". The little boy said, "No, my grandparents beat me".In frustration, the judge said, "Then, I will award custody to the 49ers! They never beat anyone!"
As told by: Jim Schumann
"Free Drinks Joke"
Two guys are sitting in a bar the other night and they were complaining about the price of beer. One of them says, "I know of a bar in this town where all the drinks are free and you can get laid every night!"The other guy says, "Where?"
The first guy says "I don't know, my wife won't tell me!"
As sent by: Mark Blucker
"Internet Joke"
Do you realize that only twenty years ago no had ever pulled their pants down before they sat at a computer!As told by: Kip Addotta
"Giving the Finger Joke"
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"(or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
"PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything!
As sent by: Lee Ray
"American life style Joke"
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
As sent by: Joyce Wolf, my cousin
"Pasta Joke"
1) You walka Pasta da bakery.2) You walka Pasta da candy store.
3) You walka Pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka Pasta da table and fridge.
As sent by: Joyce Wolf, my cousin
"Blonde in Flower Shop Joke"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase"?
As sent by: Don Gordon
"Killing Flys Joke"
A woman walks into the den and sees her husband with a roled up newspaper. She says, 'What are you doing?" He says, "I'm killing flies." She says, "How are you doing?" He says great I've killed five already, two females and three males. She says, "How do you know?" He says, It's simple. Three of them were on a beer can and two of then were on the phoneKip Addotta
"A nun in Central Park Joke"
A nun was walking through Central Park when a man jumped out of the woods and had his way with her. After the deed he asked the nun "what'll you tell old mother superior now?"The nun replied, " I'll simply tell her the truth. I'll say I was walking through the park when a man jumped out of the woods and raped me twice unless you're tired".
As sent by:Mike Shilling
"Amazon explorer Joke"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself: "I'm screwed."Suddenly a ray of light shines down from the sky and a voice booms our, "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash in the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed!"As told by:Jeff Haller
"Insult a dead fish Joke"
Do you know how to insult a dead fish?You wrap is in The Los Angeles Times.
Kip Addotta
"Ten Joke"
Last night I had a ten!Well,... actually, I had a threesome with two fives.
As told by:Kip Addotta
"Car Salesman Joke"
A car salesman walks up to a man who is browsing the lot!The salesman says: You thinking about buying a car?
The customer says: I'm thinking about pussy, I know I'm going to buy a car!
As told by:Steve Seagren
"How I order a cocktail Joke"
Bartender, give me a jack on the rocks with a splash of water and make it still so I won't have to gulp it!Kip Addotta
"I love you Joke"
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
Nice Ass! Get in the truck.
Don Gordon
"Depression Joke"
I spent the night sharpening my gun just in case it wouldn't fire!Kip Addotta
"A Father's Day gift from my son Joke"
You can be proud of your accomplishments and know that your accomplishments are proud of you!I Love You, Victor Addotta
"On Public Speaking Joke"
Be Sincere, be brief and be seated!F.D.R.
"Men Joke"
A man will say anything to get what he wants! Now, some men will deny that if it will get them what they want.Kip Addotta
"Paranoia Joke"
I'm trying to join paranoia anonymous but they won't tell where they meet!Kip Addotta
"left side Joke"
I hate businesses that are on the left side of the road! If I had a business it would be on the right side of the road!Kip Addotta
"Thinking Joke"
Sometimes I'm thinking and I don't let anyone know!Kip Addotta
"Flasher Joke"
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Mabel and Tillie, were sitting on a park bench, having a quiet conversation, when a flasher suddenly appeared.The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat!
Gertrude immediately had a stroke!
Then, Maude had a stroke, too!
But, Tillie, being older and feebler.
. . couldn't reach that far!
Don Gordon
"Nose Job Joke"
I asked my doctor what a nose job would cost and he said, You don't need a nose job, then sent me a bill for $50. I sent it back w/a note--you don't need $50.John Brooks
"Cavity Search Joke"
Early today Kip Addotta was stopped at LAX airport and subjected to a cavity search.The search took longer than expected because Mr. Addotta insisted that his dentist be present.
Kip Addotta
"Israel Joke"
During my time in Israel there wasn't a lot to do at night so we would just sit around and watch Tel AvivKip Addotta
"Dear Diary Joke"
MONDAY:What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY:
I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY:
The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY:
Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY:
This afternoon I saved 1600 lives --- twice.
Don Gorden
"MAD WIFE DISEASE Joke"
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine."What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Joyce Wolf
"Same Sex Marriage Joke"
Probably the most controversial issues in the United States today is "Same Sex" Marriages.And while I think gay and lesbian citizens should have a right to marry, I think a bigger issue facing America is "No Sex" Marriages. Quite a wide-spread (pardon the visual) problem, to my understanding.
Can we legislate some sex in marriage, please?
Seven Alan Green
"My Mood Swings Joke"
The other day my husband bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Joyce Wolf
"Super Bowl XVIII Joke"
After the New England Patriots won the Superbowl President Bush called to congratulate them on a great victory. Al Gore called the Panthers to say he thought they got robbed. Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.Warren Wagner
"Little boy lost Joke"
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits".
Don Gordon
"How to kill a circus Joke"
How do you kill a circus?You go for the juggler!
Steven Alan Green
"Diplomacy Joke"
The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that he actually looks forward to the trip.Steven Alan Green
"little boy and the quarter Joke"
A dad walks into Starbucks with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well-dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the table. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, non-hurriedly. Reaching the boy, the woman pulls his pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
The father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," she says, "divorce attorney.
Don Gordon
"Still Looking Joke"
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction less.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits
Don Gordon
"Song Birds Joke"
A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a songbird. As she's looking around, she hears a bird singing beautifully and, as if in a trance, she follows the sound. There in a cage is a cheerful songbird happily singing her little heart out.A sign beneath the cage reads, "One thousand dollars for the pair".
She looks deeper into the cage and way in the back she sees this other haggard bird with its head down, shaking it left to right.
The clerk came over, and the woman asked "How much for just the songbird?"
"I'm sorry. You'll have to buy the pair," says the clerk.
The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed, and he's hanging his head and shaking it back and forth. This bird is so happy and singing beautifully. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"
The clerk replies, "Because he's the arranger.
Don Gordon
"Marriage counselor Joke"
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dick.
Don Gordon
"Hurry Joke"
"There is no one in such a hurry as someone who is about to make a mistake!Kip Addotta
"Dumb Joke"
Two guys are sitting down talking at a bar, complaining about their wives.The first guy says, "my wife is so dumb she bought a new car the other day and she doesn't even know how to drive."
That's nothing says the other guy "my wife is so dumb I found a bunch of condoms in her purse the other day and she doesn't even have a penis!"
Liz
"ZQXBRGJ Joke"
Hey Kip. I'm from England. Isn't that weird? If I were a constipated German I'd be called Farfrompoopin.What does the math graduate say to the sociology graduate? I'll have the burger and fries please.
M M
"What I've learned as I've matured Joke"
I've learned that you cannot makesomeone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how
much I care, some people are just
ass holes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a
big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never
go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen.
If not...tough shit
James Tejada
"Good Advice Joke"
I have received two pieces of advice that have served me well throughout my life:1.) Check for toilet paper before sitting down.
2.) Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
Troy Martin
"Time Flys Joke"
Time flys like an arrow! Fruit flies like an appleKip Addotta
"If I were a surgeon Joke"
If I were a surgeon I would only operate on politicians! It would be so much simpler because they have no heart, no balls and no guts!Kip Addotta
"Sticks Joke"
He lived so far out that he had to head towards town to go hunting!Kip Addotta
"France Joke"
Going to war without France is like going bear hunting without a piano!Kip Addotta
"Frank Sinatra Joke"
Frank Sinatra Onstage at the Sands, Las Vegas,"This is my first affair so please be kind. Handle my heart with care, please be kind."
Frank Sinatra back stage at the Sands Hotel, Las Vegas,
"Smash his camera and break his fingers, guys! Mix me a Jack!"
Al Brekyurnek
"Farm Life Joke"
An old man and old lady in are bed. The man grabs the woman's breast and said, "If we could get milk out of these we could get rid of the cow" Then he grabs her crotch and said, "If we could get eggs out of here we could get rid of the chickens". Then the woman grabs the man's crotch and said, "If we could get this working we could get rid of your brother!"!!!!Brian Lester
"Women Joke"
The only people that understand women are women and they don't like 'em!Kip Addotta
"Picking your nose Joke"
What is it about being alone in the a that makes people want to pick their nose?Kip Addotta
"A little pussy Joke"
I said to her, "I sure could use a little pussy!" She said, "So could I, mine's as big as a tub!"Kip Addotta
"Blow hard Joke"
I know very little about this so I will speak at length!Kip Addotta
"Garbage Joke"
Why does my garbage always weigh more than my groceries did?Kip Addotta
"An old couple Joke"
An old couple are walking down the street when a pigeon flies over and drops one on the old ladies head. The women says: "Oh, my God, get me some toilet paper!" The man says: " What the hell for, he's a half a mile away by now!"Kip Addotta
"Anchovy Joke"
A small fish that smells like a finger.Kip Addotta
"Parrot Joke"
A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his head. The bartender says: "Where did you get that?" The parrot says: The parrot says: "Africa, there's millions of them!Kip Addotta
"How deep the ocean Joke"
How deep would the ocean be if there were no sponges?Kip Addotta
"People from Canada Joke"
Two men are talking. The first man said: "People from Canada are either whores or hockey players". The second man said: "My wife is from Canada!" The first man said: "What team does she play for?"Walter Mathow
"My cat Harley Joke"
People ask my if I've had my cat de clawed. Well, I would never have a cat de clawed. Claws are a cat only form of defence and I can get pretty drunk!Kip Addotta
"My ex-wife Joke"
... I said, to my ex-wife, I said; "Plaintiff"Kip Addotta
"I have a huge penis Joke"
... Not with me! It's at home!Kip Addotta
"A hair piece Joke"
I asked this woman if she thought I should wear a hair piece. She said: "When I see a man with a hair piece, I see a man who is not showing me his true self. I see a discrepancy in his personality. I said: "I suppose that means that I should take this sock out of my pants." She said: "No, but you could move it around to the front."Kip Addotta
"Men are macro and women are Micro Joke"
Example: A long, long time ago a man and a women are standing in front of their log cabin, on the edge of the forest. The man said: "I must go and hunt and bring game back so that our family can be fed!" The women said: "I'm cold!"Kip Addotta
"When I die Joke"
When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather! Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.Kip Addotta
"What the Joke"
Just by looking at me you probably can't tell... but I'm the guy that invented the singing mammogram!Robert Reynolds
"Shopping carts Joke"
When I go to the super market I never seem to be able to find a shopping cart! That's because their all out in the parking lot, rolling, towards my car!Kip Addotta
"My potbelly Joke"
I love my little potbelly. When I'm in bed at night, it gives me something to throw my leg over!Kip Addotta
"Mother daughter fantasy Joke"
I wanted to have one of those mother daughter things! And I would have if it hadn't been for the father boyfriend!Kip Addotta
"How long is it? Joke"
Twelve inches, but I don't use it as a rule!Kip Addotta
"last man on earth Joke"
She said; Kip, I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth! I thought; If I were the last man on earth, I'd be too busy to go out with her anyway!Kip Addotta
"Men's nipples Joke"
Why do men have nipples?... Just in case!Kip Addotta
"A man will say anything Joke"
A man will say anything to get what he wants! Now, some men will deny that, if it will get them what they want..Kip Addotta
"My father's foot steps Joke"
For ten years, I followed in my father's footsteps. Then one day he whirled around and ordered me to stop.Kip Addotta
"Beautiful Women Joke"
If you see the most beautiful women, remember one thing. Somewhere, someone is tired of sleeping with her!Kip Addotta
"I thought he was gay Joke"
I thought he was gay. Then, I saw him out with a women. So, he must be bisexual.Kip Addotta
"Variation On A Theme Joke"
Is That a comb in your pocket or are you just glad I'm hairy.Kip Addotta
"Choking Joke"
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
Brian Seufer!
"Terrorists Joke"
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
Brian Seufer!
"Gardening Joke"
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.Bonnie West!
"Blond Joke Joke"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman."
Jay Isherwood!
"Blonde State Capitals Joke"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She Proudly says, "Go ahead ask me! I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: "W"!
Jay Isherwood!
"Thanksgiving Joke"
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!
Jay Isherwood!
"Be polite Joke"
If you're going to rob Peter to pay Paul, you should be especially nice to Peter!Kip Addotta!
"You're in the Army now Joke"
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, joined the Army.On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him!
Kip Addotta!
"Giant Joke"
Did you hear the one about the giant that threw up?It's all over town!
Kip Addotta!
"Socks Joke"
Does wearing your socks inside out cause ingrown toenails?Bonnie West!
"A True Story Joke"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Bonnie West!
"Hollywood Joke"
I live in Hollywood, California. I left the house last night and as I drove threw the city I realized that I was the only person that was not wearing six inch stilettos  Police included! Maybe you would like to visit our fair city.Kip Addotta!
"Ambidextrous Joke"
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.Airport Bison!
"Beam them out, Scotty Joke"
The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador John Bolton.They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."
Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Bonnie West!
"Whorehouse Joke"
A trucker who'd been out on the road a long time goes into a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I got 500 bucks and wanna spend some time with your fattest, ugliest, bitchiest whore."The Madam says, "OK, but for 500 dollars you could have the best girl in the house."
The trucker says, "Look lady. I ain't horny, I'm homesick!"
Brian Seufert!
"United Way Joke"
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Brian Seufert!
"A Study Conducted Joke"
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire! No further studies are expected.
Bonnie West!
"Parking Meter Joke"
Late one night, a skinny drunk stumbles out of a bar, walks up to a parking meter and barely manages to get a quarter into its slot.The parking meter registers 60 min.
The drunk leaps back and exclaims, "Holly crap! I've lost a hundred and thirteen pounds!
Ken Lodi!
"Running Doe Joke"
Running Doe, A young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine Health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.""Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for the South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called, The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
Brian Seufert!
"My new windows Joke"
Last year I replaced all the windows in my home with those double-pane, energy efficient, expensive kind... Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.Hellloooo? I told him just exactly what his fast-talking salesman told ME last year...namely, "that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloooo? (I told the man on the phone). "It's been a year!"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up....He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bonnie West!
"Stupid? Joke"
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups!Bonnie West!
"Pyronecrophilia Joke"
Having sex with the flaming dead!Bonnie West!
"Free Drinks Joke"
Two guys are sitting in a bar complaining about the price of beer. One of them says, "There's bar in this town where all the drinks are free and you can get laid every night!"The other guy says, "Where?"
The first guy says "I don't know, my wife won't tell me!"
Don Gordon!
"Free Beer Joke"
Bill keeps going to a bar that has a sign that reads, "Free Beer Tomorrow".Bill Beckerman!
"Sunday Morning Golf Joke"
Pastor Francis Norton woke up one Sunday morning. Realizing it was an Exceptionally beautiful sunny day, he decided he just had to get out and play some golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he wasn't feeling well, and could he hold the services for him that day. He agreed.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course 40 miles away. This way he knew he Wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are You?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton Hit the ball. It shot straight toward the pin, landed just short of it, rolled across the green and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and said, "I thought You were going to punish him?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "I did. Who's he going to tell?" !
Joe Isherwood!
"Elephant Story Joke"
Incredible story about an elephant's memory...UPI July 3, 2006After graduating from college A young man was on holiday in Kenya . While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
It wasn't the same elephant!
Joe Isherwood!
"NOTICE Joke"
Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America, those of us from ....Kentucky, Alabama, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Indiana, Georgia, Virginia and West Virginia will no longer be referred to as "Hillbillies."
You must now refer to us as Appalachian Americans.
Thank you!
Bonnie West!
"Pluto Joke"
I don't know about you but I already miss Pluto!Don Gordon!
"Albert Einstein Joke"
Kip, you know, Einstein always liked to go to work a little late so he could leave a little earlyCharles Griffis!
"Albert Einstein Joke"
This confirms my conspiracy theory of relativity.Bill Beckerman!
"D.A.M Joke"
I am doing some volunteer work for D.A.M."Mothers Against Dyslexia"
Ken Lodi!
"Parrots Joke"
A lady goes to her priest, "Father, I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.What do they say? the priest inquired.
They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?
"You know,"I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray!"
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase..in no time."
The next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
She placed her parrots in with them.....
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi. We're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
Marina Torpin!
"Religious Truths Joke"
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Bonnie West!
"Purina Joke"
I was in the check out line with a bag of Purina when a woman asked what kind of dog I had?I told her that I didn't have a dog but I was starting 'The Purina ' again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but, I did loose 50 lbs.
The way that it works is to load pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
She asked if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food.
I said, no; I was sitting in the street licking my butt and a truck hit me.
Bonnie West!
