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Horoscope Joke

Mean Horoscopes

Aquarius

(Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pieces

Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries

(Mar 23 - Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus

(Apr 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini

(May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer

(June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

Virgo

(Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra

(Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are Murdered.

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.

Capricorn

(Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Horoscope

A horoscope calculated for January 1, 2000 at 12:01:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time in New York City, New York, USA (Longitude: 074W00'23" - Latitude: 40N42'51").In astrology, a horoscope is a chart or diagram representing the positions of the Sun, Moon, and planets, the astrological aspects, and sensitive angles at the time of an event, such as the moment of a person's birth. The word "horoscope" is derived from Greek words meaning "a look at the hours" (horoskopos, pl. horoskopoi, or "marker(s) of the hour.") Other commonly used names for the horoscope in English include astrological chart, astro-chart, celestial map, sky-map, star-chart, cosmogram, vitasphere, radical chart, radix, chart wheel, or simply chart, among others. It is used as a method of divination regarding events relating to the point in time it represents and forms the basis of the horoscopic traditions of astrology.

In common usage, horoscope often refers to an astrologer's interpretation, usually through a system known as sun sign astrology. In particular, many newspapers and magazines carry horoscope columns based on celestial influences in relation to the placement of the Sun in the zodiac on the day of a person's birth, identifying the person's sun sign.

Horoscope Introduction

The horoscope serves as a stylized map of the heavens over a specific location at a particular moment in time. In most applications the perspective is geocentric (heliocentric astrology being one exception). The positions of the actual planets (including Sun and Moon) are placed in the chart, along with those of purely calculated factors such as the lunar nodes, the house cusps including the midheaven and the ascendant, zodiac signs, fixed stars and the lots. Angular relationships between the planets themselves and other points, called aspects, are typically determined. Which elements are used or emphasized over others varies by tradition.

Horoscope Concepts

In order to understand and visualize the geometry of the construction of a horoscope, one must be familiar with a number of concepts.

These are the astrological symbols as most commonly used in Western Astrology The astrological symbols/glyphs used in Western astrology to represent the astrological signs (Zodiac)The techniques described here belong to Western astrology.

Horoscope Native

The native refers to the time and place of the event being charted, and considered to be at the centre of the celestial sphere. This term is a general one that includes not only birth times, but any event for which a horoscope would be drawn.

Horoscope Astronomical framework

The celestial sphere is a sphere of arbitrary radius upon which the items appearing on the horoscope are projected without regard to their distance from the native.

The plane of the equator is the plane of the earth's equator projected into space.

The plane of the ecliptic is defined by the orbits of the earth and the sun. For practical purposes the plane of the equator and the plane of the ecliptic maintain a constant inclination to each other of approximately 23.5°.

The plane of the horizon is centred on the native, and is tangential to the earth at that point. In a sphere whose radius is infinitely large this plane may be treated as nearly equivalent to the parallel plane with its centre at the earth's center. This greatly simplifies understanding the geometry of the horoscope. Some writers on astrology have considered the effects of parallax, but most would agree that (apart from that of the moon) they are relatively minor, and are beyond the scope of this article.

Horoscope Angles

There are four primary angles in the horoscope (though the cusps of the houses are often included as important angles by some astrologers). The ascendant is the eastern point where the ecliptic and horizon intersect; the ascendant is generally considered the most important and personalized angle (along with the midheaven) in the horoscope by the vast majority of astrologers. Its opposite point in the west is the descendant. In creating a horoscope the ascendant is traditionally placed as the left-hand side point of the chart. During the course of a day, because of the Earth's rotation, the entire circle of the ecliptic will pass through the ascendant and will be advanced by about 1°. This provides us with the term rising sign, which is the sign of the zodiac that was rising in the east at the exact time that the horoscope or natal chart is calculated.

The medium coeli or midheaven is the point on the ecliptic that is furthest above the plane of the horizon (also known as the zenith). Its opposite point is known as the imum coeli, or nadir. For events occurring where the planes of the ecliptic and the horizon coincide, the limiting position for these points is located 90° from the ascendant.

Horoscope The zodiac

The zodiac refers to the 18° wide band on the celestial sphere containing the signs. It is centered on the ecliptic, and its width is sufficient to allow for the fact that the orbits of the moon and all other planets are not parallel to the plane of the ecliptic. The ecliptic spans 360°, meaning that each individual zodiac sign encompasses exactly 30° of arc (i.e., 360 ecliptic / 12 signs = 30° each sign).

Most Western Astrologers use the tropical zodiac in which the astrological year begins with the vernal equinox; this occurs at the exact moment that the Sun crosses the celestial equator and enters the zodiac sign of Aries. Astrologers in India and some Western astrologers use the more ancient sidereal zodiac, which corresponds to the ancient position of the constellations as they were viewed thousands of years ago. Many people are confused regarding the difference between the sidereal constellations and the tropical zodiac signs. Because of a "wobble" in the earth's axis of rotation over a period of about 26,000 years (this 26,000 year period is often called a "great year"), the point at which the vernal equinox advances in the sky rate is approximately 0 deg, 0 min, 50.23 seconds a year. Precession of the equinoxes thus occurs at a rate of roughly 5 arc minutes of a degree every 6 years. Sidereal astrologers use zodiac signs that roughly align with the constellations as they were charted many thousands of years ago. Tropical astrologers use zodiac signs that align with the vernal equinox in the northern hemisphere and so the signs relate to the seasons and not the stars. It is also important to note that some astrologers don't use the signs of the zodiac at all, focusing more instead on the astrological aspects and other features of the horoscope.

The sun sign is the sign of the zodiac in which the sun is located for the native. This is the single astrological fact familiar to most people. If an event occurs at sunrise the ascendant and sun sign will be the same; other rising signs can then be estimated at approximately two hour intervals from there.

A cusp is the boundary between two signs or houses. For some the cusp includes a small portion of the two signs or houses under consideration.

Horoscope Houses

The houses are a series of twelve divisions of the plane of the ecliptic. Astrologers have devised many systems of calculating these house divisions. In the case of the equal house system the ecliptic is divided into twelve equal houses of 30° each. The first house begins at the ascendant and the others are numbered counterclockwise from that point. The first six are therefore below the horizon, and the other six are above. The positions of these houses remains fixed relative to the native. The signs and planets all move through the twelve houses during the course of a day, and the planets move through the signs over the course of months or years.

Horoscope Aspects

An astrological aspect is the relative angle between two heavenly bodies. The more exact the aspect is, the more important it is said to be. The difference between the exact aspect and the actual aspect is called the orb.

Construction of a horoscope

To create a horoscope, an astrologer first has to ascertain the exact time and place of the subject's birth, or the initiation of an event. The local standard time (adjusting for any daylight savings time or war time) is then converted into Greenwich Mean Time or Universal Time at that same instant, which in turn is translated into the sidereal time at Greenwich. The astrologer will next consult a set of tables called an ephemeris, which lists the location of the sun, moon and planets for a particular year, date and sidereal time, with respect to the northern hemisphere vernal equinox or the fixed stars (depending on which astrological system is being used). The astrologer then adds or subtracts the difference between the longitude of Greenwich and the longitude of the place in question to determine the true local mean time (LMT) at the place of birth to show where planets would be visible above the horizon at the precise time and place in question. Planets hidden from view beneath the earth are also shown in the horoscope. The horoscope is then divided into 12 sectors around the circle of the ecliptic, starting from the eastern horizon where objects are just rising into view. These are called the houses and numerous systems for calculating these divisions exist. Tables of houses have been published since the 19th Century to make this otherwise demanding task easier.

Horoscope Houses

The chart thus begins with a framework of 12 houses. Upon this the signs of the zodiac are superimposed. In the equal house system the cusp between any two houses will fall at the same degree for each of the signs. Thus, for a native whose ascendant is at 12° of Leo, the second house will begin at 12° of Virgo, the third at 12° Libra, and so on. In house systems that take into consideration the effects of the angle of intersection between the planes of the horizon and the ecliptic, the calculations are more complicated. For these calculations it is essential to know the latitude of the event. Tables are available for these calculations, but they are now commonly calculated by computer. Most astrology computer programs allow the user to choose from a variety of house systems.

Horoscope Ascendant

Longitude is necessary in order to determine the position of the Ascendant because horoscopes use local time. Due to time zones, adjustments are made for the difference in one's actual longitude and the longitude of the nominal meridian associated with clock time.

Horoscope Planetary placements

Having established the relative positions of the signs in the houses, the astrologer positions the sun, moon, and planets at their rightful celestial longitudes. Some astrologers also take note of minor planetary bodies, fixed stars, asteroids (for example, Chiron) and other mathematically calculated points and angles such as the vertex, equatorial ascendant, etc. Many astrologers also use what are commonly referred to as Arabic parts (or Greek Lots), the most common of which is the Part of Fortune (Pars Fortuna).

Horoscope Aspects

To complete the horoscope the astrologer will consider the aspects or relative angles between pairs of planets. Certain aspects are considered more important than others. Those generally recognized by the astrological community are Conjunction (0°), Opposition (180°), Square (90°), Trine (120°), Sextile (60°), Semi-Square (45°), Sesqisquare (135°), and Quincunx (150°). Understandably these aspects are more significant when they are exact, but they are considered to function within an orb of influence, the size of which varies according to the importance of each aspect. Thus conjunctions are believed to operate with a larger orb than sextiles. Most modern astrologers use an orb of 8° or less for aspects involving the Sun, Moon, and Jupiter and smaller orbs for the other points. Some astrologers, such as practitioners of Cosmobiology, and Uranian astrology, use minor aspects (15°, 22.5°, 67.5°, 72°, 75°, 105°, 112.5°, 157.5°, 165°) with much narrower orbs.