Bad daughter
My husband is disabled, he was in the navy for 25 years. My daughter needed help and we helped her pay traffic fines, $405.00, and buy her and her new born daughter food, diapers, pads and paid their part of the elect. bill and a 153.00 phone bill, her babies birth record, gas, car insurance. She agreed to pay it all back to us. She moved out and told us to try to sell her couch for $25 or trash it. it smelled like animal urine. When she moved out, we realized that she had took with her a few of our items (family photo\'s and an ipod). she had her number changed. Now 2 months later she wants the couch or $25. We gave it away. We found out that the people we gave it to paid her $45.00 for the couch. Is it a crime for her not to pay my husband back?Answer
No! Change the locks and your phone number!
My son yells and swears at me
My son will ask me for something, I will tell him "no", he gets upset and the trouble begins. He starts yelling and swearing at me, getting in my face, I try to walk away and he blocks me from either leaving the house or getting into my room so that I can walk away before things get out of hand. As I try and move him aside from me getting away it ends up in a physical fight on both parts.I have called the police and they have told him "he is the child, he has to do as the parents says", he has been in counseling for several years now, he has been diagnosed with ADHA but due to insomnia effects he is not on medication.
Several months ago he started hanging around with a boy who has called DYCS on his mother, getting her arrested and taking her to court for an unknown reason to me. Since my sons association with this boy I have noticed a drastic decline in my son with an elevation in his verbal and physical abuse towards me. He is seeing a psychiatrist this week to try a new ADHD med program. But other than that I am at a loss. It is at the point where I can not wait until he is 18 y.o. and he can move out. Not how I planned our relationship to grow over the years.
What do you suggest?
An abused mother begs for help
i am an abused mother. my daughter is on drugs as well as suffers from bipolar disorder. she has been fighting with her father since she was 12 but now at age 25 she abuses me & her father both mentally & physically.Last night she broke through my bedroom door and pounded me on the head with her fist causing me to black out because I refused to give her my pain medication the dr gave me for a hip replaceemnt sugery. she has become worse & refuses to get help.
I have a special needs child in the home who, is frightned and begs me to call the police. She will not get help & tries to make up lies on her dad & i when she does. My heart is broke....I never thaought my daughter would go to such extremes.
Please help
Karen
You are standing by while your daughter is abusing everyone in your home and you have not called the police? What is wrong with you? Get that beast of a dauhgter out of your's out of the house as soon as possible.Call the police before the bruises on your head heal! Do it now! Kip Addotta P.S. Send me you phone number
Daughter punishes Step Dad
Yes, I have a 15 yr old daughter that lied about my husband her step-dad again about Sexual Abuse none of it is true I have a 13 yr old that does not get like this and a step-son My Husband never did the Sexual Abuse ever now she got taken away from me bac in 2007 for lying about it and I get her every other weekend and she did it again to him and i want to know what it is that she is doing this when it never happened because they are never alone how can she lie about this i know it is some type of parent abuse but what is it called please help me.Dear Missi
I have heard of things like this before. First of all your daughter, at fifteen, as far as the law is concerned is tantamount to being emancipated. That means that she can do as she damn pleases and you as a parent can do little about it.Obviously she is punishing you for replacing her real dad with another man. Once she makes these allegations she is going to be reluctant to admit that she has done such a horrible thing. She is apt to hide behind her own lies because she does not want to be judged for her own actions.
Fifteen year old children can be brutally mean and spiteful. The easy answer is for you to get her into counseling. But, if she will not go, there is nothing you can do about it, Sometimes we must sit back and let things work themselves out. This is most difficult, but, what else can we do?
If you are sure she made the whole thing up, then, you must do the best you can to enjoy what is left of your relationship with her and leave it at that. I am sorry I cannot be more help and wish you the best in what I see is an impossible situation.
Kip Addotta
The fall of dad!
Psychologists will tell you about it, but, why take the time when I can fill you in here. If you're a dad, be warned! You should enjoy your children while they are young. When children are young they look at daddy as a God. He's bigger, stronger, smarter and wiser, a super-hero! This adulation lasts until your children are about 11 years old.Then one day they will notice that you are not a God, but only a human being. This is a shock to them! And they are disappointed with you for not being a God. They will show anger towards you for being a mere mortal. They will believe that you have misrepresented yourself to them.
You have been acting like a God when all this time you have been only a man. Their disappointment in you will last for many years. Years, during which your children will punish you for the sin of pretending you were God.
They will act out at home and at school. Your children will go out of their way to do poorly in school, sports and everything else they can think of. Your life will be miserable and your health will suffer. During these years you will age much faster and you will begin to believe that you are not a man, but something much less.
If you live through these years (when your children are between the ages of 11 and 22) you will finally be forgiven, but not completely. You will always feel a bit of suspicion coming from them.
Don't feel like you are being singled out! All dads go through this period and if your children's ages are widely staggered, well then, you will never be in the clear. So, after decades of working yourself to death, you will die. And then your kids will gather around and say, "Good old Dad, he wasn't such a bad guy after all"!
And I am
Kip Addotta
What Is Parent Abuse?
Parent abuse is any harmful act by a son or daughter to gain power and control over a parent. The abuse can be physical, psychological, or financial. Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, slapping, and pushing and is the most visible form of abuse. A number of large-scale studies suggest that up to 14% of parents are physically assaulted by their adolescent children at some point.Psychological abuse includes name calling, criticizing and put-downs, creating fear, running away from home, and threatening to hurt or kill a parent or themselves. Although behaviours such as yelling occur at some point in many families, they can be considered parent abuse when they become persistent. Abuse often begins verbally and escalates to include other forms.
Financial abuse includes stealing or taking things without permission, damaging the home or possessions of the parent, and demanding things that parents cannot afford. Who Are The Teenage Abusers?
Both boys and girls are capable of abusing their parents. Although some research findings suggest that adolescent boys are more likely to be physically abusive than girls, aggressive behaviours in girls are increasing.14 Generally, the older, bigger, and stronger the teenager, the more at risk the parents are of being abused.15-19 Abuse typically appears at puberty. Tantrums, which may be used by younger children as a form of communication, may be an early-warning sign of abusive behaviour.
Some abusive teenagers have themselves been physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused, or they have been exposed to one parent being abused by the other. They may feel powerless and retaliate by abusing the parent who is seen as the least powerful.
Some abusive teens have behavioural disorders or medical conditions such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), conduct disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and schizophrenia.
Who Is The Abused Parent?
Parent abuse can occur in any family and is not associated with socio-economic class, ethnic background, or sexual orientation. Although fathers are also susceptible, mothers are the most frequent victims of parent abuse. One of the reasons is that women are the primary caregivers. They spend more time with their children than fathers and have closer emotional connections to them.Parent Abuse Often, abused mothers are single
parents. Elderly parents and parents with disabilities may be particularly vulnerable to abuse by their teenage children. Teenagers who abuse their parents may also abuse their younger siblings and/or family pets.Parent Abuse What Are The Contributing Factors?
Societal values, family dynamics, and child development may all play a role in parent abuse.Parent Abuse Societal and cultural values
As a society, we need to take collective responsibility for our children. Although parents play a major role in their childs development, there are other influences on children. Parents, however, are usually blamed and held responsible when things go wrong.Society plays a pivotal role in creating, accepting, and perpetuating abusive behaviour. In films, on television, and in everyday life, teenagers see that violence is commonly used to achieve goals and is an acceptable form of social control.
Teenagers are also exposed to violence against women in society, and they see that women are demeaned and undervalued.
This may be one of the reasons why mothers are more likely to be abused than fathers.
In addition, women have traditionally been more aware of and receptive to the feelings and emotions of those around them. Many teens find it is easier to share their emotions with their mothers. As a result, teens feel they can express a whole range of feelings towards their mothers, including anger.
Todays youth are under a great deal of pressure. Schools can be violent and unsafe, and teens may feel they have to be in control to avoid being victimized. Some act out their victimization and rage with abusive actions at home. Parent abuse may also be the manifestation of teens frustration and alienation in a culture that bombards them with advertising and then denies them the economic opportunity to access material goods for themselves.
Although there is no evidence that substance abuse causes violent behaviour, many parents report that when their teens are using drugs or alcohol their behaviour is more abusive. Adolescent aggression may be viewed by some as normal teenage behaviour, but it should not be seen as acceptable. Family dynamics
In some cases, teenagers react abusively when they have been abused or when they have been exposed to the abuse of one of their parents by his or her partner. Sometimes the teenager directs the abuse towards the non-offending parent. In some families or communities, physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is used as a method of communication; if it has been occurring for years or generations, it may have become normalized behaviour. In other cases, permissive or absent parenting may contribute to the teenagers abusive behaviour. When parents do not demonstrate adequate or appropriate leadership in their families, the teens may act out because they do not feel safe. In these cases, however, parents often state that the abuse occurs when they attempt to regain leadership by enforcing rules or consequences. Stress caused by family breakdown, work pressures, and money worries creates additional problems for the family and may leave parents with little time, energy, or patience for their teens.
When parents are separated or divorced, the abusive situation may be worsened. Not only can divorce cause stress for adolescents, but also parents failure to work together to deal with the abuse may make it worse. In addition, teenagers sometimes resent the parent they live with (usually the mother) for changing their life. Individual development of the abusive child
Some teens who abuse their parents may have a disorder or condition such as ADHD, conduct disorder, Bipolar Disorder or schizophrenia. However, researchers have found that most abusive teens are not mentally ill.
As yet, little is known about the biological predisposition to violence. Some parents report that their abusive child was aggressive from a very young age, but the link has not been established.
Parent Abuse The Effects Parents
Most parents have difficulty accepting that their teenager is abusive and may deny the problem. They often feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they were not able to produce a happy family. Their despair interferes with their ability to regain leadership in their families. In addition, some parents feel it is not safe for them to attempt to control the situation because they are in physical danger. Abused parents often feel unsupported and isolated. Many couples relationships undergo tremendous strain and are sometimes torn apart because of the abuse. When teenagers are removed from the home because of their abusive behaviour, parents may grieve their loss, especially when the teenager is the only child of single parents. If the teenagers have children of their own, parents may also lose contact with their grandchildren.Stress is not limited to the home. Parents of abusive teens take their concerns and anxiety to work or school with them. For some parents, worry about a child can interfere with their concentration and lead to anxiety about the security of their job or school performance.86 Additional stress may result if parents receive many personal telephone calls at work or need to take time off because of the abusive situation. The cost of counselling for themselves and/or the abusive teenager can add financial strain.
Parent Abuse Siblings
Abusive behaviour also affects other children in the home. Parents may fear for the safety of their non-abusive children. Some parents are concerned that the teens risky activities (drugs, alcohol, prostitution) may influence the other children or put them at risk. In addition, focusing on the abusive teen often means that parents pay less attention to the behaviour of their other children. Parents fear that this sometimes leads to the other children acting out in order to gain attention. When an abusive teenager leaves the home, some siblings experience a sense of grief and loss.Parent Abuse The Legal System
Parent Abuse Legal rights
Although laws differ across Canada, most parents are legally bound to provide for their children until they are 19 years of age. However, their obligation to children between the ages of 16 and 19 years is not clear. In Nova Scotia, for example, the Children and Family Services Act protects children up to the age of 16. Between and years of age, children may legally leave home, but their parents continue to be legally and financially responsible for them. This means that if a 16-year-old child runs away from home, the police will usually not investigate, and the parents could be sued by child welfare agencies for support.Parent Abuse Police and courts
It is important that parents understand what the criminal justice system can and cannot do. Some forms of parent abuse are difficult for parents to live with, but they may not be offences under the Criminal Code. Physical abuse, threats, theft, and damage to property are, however, criminal offences with which abusive teenagers can be charged.Many parents do not call the police because they do not want their children to be charged with assault. Other parents are afraid that they will be charged with assault because they have attempted to physically restrain their abusive teenager.
Some parents find it more difficult to live with a child after assault charges have been laid because the children are often angry and resentful. Others feel they have less control when the police and the court system are involved.
Parent Abuse Childrens service agencies
Because child welfare agencies usually have a mandate to protect children from harm, they do not often have the resources to help in situations of parent abuse. Anger management programs are available for some children in trouble with the law.Parent Abuse The Helping Hand
First, parents need to admit the abuse and talk about it, and then they need to find support. For support to be appropriate, it is important that service providers understand the dynamics of parent abuse.However, since this abuse has only recently been recognized, many service providers are uncertain how to help. The dilemma for service providers is how to help parents deal better with an abusive or aggressive child without appearing to blame the parents for the abusive situation. Therapists who narrow their practice to focus only on the needs of the child may leave parents feeling criticized or judged. Instead, parents need help to accept themselves lovingly and overcome the guilt and fear that interfere with their making changes in their lives. Parents also report that when they seek professional help, they are often sent from one agency to another while professionals try to find or treat the cause of the abuse. They suggest that it would be more helpful if they were first supported in regaining a gentle, nonviolent leadership role in their families. It may also be useful to help teens recognize that they are abusive and to let them know how to access support to change their behaviour. If a teenager refuses to participate in counselling sessions, parents should make it clear that they have decided to seek counselling with or without their child. In these cases, teenagers will often attend sessions so that they can maintain some control of the situation (Jerome Price: personal communication).
When parents use gentle attempts, such as reasoning, to encourage their aggressive teenager to stop the abuse, they are often ignored or treated with contempt. However, abusive teenagers often react even more aggressively if parents use force, and a vicious circle of mutual retaliation evolves. It is sometimes useful to gain the support of others to deal with the abuse in a non-violent way.89 Because children often behave more respectfully in front of other people, a parent could call a friend to come to the house instead of reacting aggressively to a childs refusal to obey rules or a childs abusive behaviour. Parents should stay in close communication with people who are a part of their childs life, such as parents of the childs friends, teachers, coaches, principals and guidance counsellors, doctors, church leaders, police, and probation officers. For some families, removing the teenager from the home for a short time, a longer period, or permanently is the only way to stop the abuse. For many parents, the options are limited. Some are able to have the child stay with a friend or relative or in a group home, but many fear that if they demand that the child leave home, he or she will live on the streets. Once the immediate crisis has been handled, parents need time, space, and support to deal with the effects of the abuse. They often find that healing is helped by their focusing less on the abusive teenager and more on reconnecting with more positive aspects of their own lives.
Parent Abuse Where To Go For Help?
Many parents state that finding support can be very difficult. Sometimes the childs behaviour does not change, and parents may want to enlist the aid of a counsellor to help them cope. It might be helpful to contact a womens centre, family resource centre, or womens shelter. Your local library might also be aware of support groups. Other resources, including distress lines, are listed in the front pages of your local telephone directory.
