Hecklers!
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How to handle disruptions during your presentation
I treat a group of people as just that, a group of people! A group of people is comprised of any number of people that form or are formed into a group. A group is singular not a plural. When I am speaking to two people in a board room or fifty thousand people in a stadium I am speaking to a group as in singular. I am speaking to 'the group'!While speaking to a group I do not comment on things that are done or said by individuals in the group. If I am speaking to eleven hundred anesthesiologists, in Boston, and someone yells out, "You're full of condensed milk", I have no obligation to defend against being 'Full of condensed milk'. Nor do I have a need to argue that I am not 'Full of condensed milk'! I am disciplined to ignore anything the does not behoove me to notice.
If I am speaking to a group of lady bartenders, in Amarillo, TX and one of them says: I'd like to buy you a drink", I might stray from my planned course and announce: Ambassador Hotel, suite 1420. Then, after the girls chuckle a bit, I would immediately return to my game plan.
As far as hecklers are concerned, I use the following 'Rule of Three: I ignore the first time someone tries to disrupt my presentation. I ignore the second time this person interrupts the show . If I jump on someone the first time they heckle me, the group perceives it as me bullying the heckler. That is also true for the second time that person tries to interrupt me. By his or her third attempt to cause a disturbance the group is thoroughly fed up with these interruptions and whatever I say to the person is received with a big laugh and a round of applause. So, hecklers are to be ignored twice and then on the third time they make an attempt, I pounce!
These things are important because many a presentation has been ruined because the speaker let the group or someone in the group take control of the proceedings!
And I am
How to handle disruptions during your presentation
If you do not ask questions you do not get answers. That is usually what people called hecklers are doing. Answering a question that someone, on stage, has asked!
Use simple declarative sentences and you will be free from hecklers. Avoid asking questions and hecklers will suddenly disappear!
However, if you insist on asking an audience questions, here are some things to say to get you out of the trouble you could have avoided all together.
Hecklers
A heckler is a person who shouts an uninvited comment, usually disparaging, at a performance or event, or interrupting set-piece speeches, for example at a political meeting. A heckler is almost always regarded as unwelcome by the person with justifiable claim to be the centre of attention. The audience too may find the interruption an unwanted distraction; however they may sometimes find the interjection amusing or apposite.Heckler Origin
The term originates from the textile trade, where to heckle was to tease or comb out flax or hemp fibres. The additional meaning, to interrupt speakers with awkward or embarrassing questions, was added in Scotland, and specifically perhaps in early nineteenth century Dundee, a famously radical town where the hecklers who combed the flax had established a reputation as the most radical and belligerent element in the workforce. In the heckling factory, one heckler would read out the day's news while the others worked, to the accompaniment of interruptions and furious debate.Heckling was a major part of the vaudeville theater. Sometimes it was incorporated into the play. Milton Berle's weekly TV variety series in the 1960s featured a heckler named Sidney Spritzer (German/Yiddish for "Squirter") played by Borscht Belt comic Irving Benson. In the 1970s and 1980s, The Muppet Show, which was also built around a vaudeville theme, featured two hecklers, Statler & Waldorf (two old men named after famous hotels). Heckles are now particularly likely to be heard at stand-up comedy performances, to unsettle or compete with the performer.
Hecklers Comedy
Many stand-up comedians devise a strategy for quashing such outbursts, usually by having a store of retorts on hand, such as "this is what happens when cousins marry" or "Dear God, don't let anyone in the crowd yell out tonight, and punish those who do!" The idea is to get the audience laughing at the interruption.A common but rarely-enacted threat from comedians is to attend the heckler's workplace and heckle them in return. In "The Fire", an episode of the sitcom Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld actually carries out the threat, showing up at a heckler's office and shouting insults at her.
Mitch Hedberg playfully acknowledged heckling late on his Mitch All Together album (without actually being heckled) saying, "I can stand up here and talk for forty-five minutes. You say one word, you're fucking out of here."
In Britain, Malcolm Hardee's legendarily dangerous Tunnel Club in Greenwich was famed for the sharp heckling of its regulars. On one occasion, comic Jim Tavare went on stage with the opening line, "I'm a schizophrenic..." to which someone immediately replied, "Fuck off then both of you." Another infamous heckle came when Jo Brand, a comedienne not renowned for her looks, went onstage to be greeted by a man shouting "Don't show us your tits."
Comedian Dane Cook was heckled during the recording of his Retaliation album, and after threatening to throw the heckler out made a joke out of the awkward silence following the incident, saying "It's like Daddy just hit Mommy at the dinner table and everybody's trying to eat."
Similarly, Rodney Carrington was heckled during the recording of his Morning Wood album. Carrington stopped his joke to say,
"Excuse me, was I talking while you were over there?", then alluded to the fact that he was on stage with lights and a microphone. He went on to say, "I don't come to where you work and throw rocks at you while you're fucking mowing, so shut up!" This got a loud ovation from the audience, but Carrington never finished the interrupted joke.
English comedian Julian Clary has said that he was so scared of hecklers he used to pick on his audience using putdowns like
"Men like you don't grow on trees, they swing from them." Bill Hicks was also famous for his "take-no-prisoners" approach to hecklers. On one occasion he demanded that a drunken heckler be taken out of the audience shouting "You drunk cunt!" at her. Equally, if not more no-nonsense, was the Mancunian comedian/poet John Cooper Clarke, who memorably riposted to one heckler, "I can't hear you, mate, yer mouth's full o' shit."
Comedian George Carlin has been known to be very rough on hecklers. In one of his most famous responses to a heckler, Carlin stopped his joke and went on with a long series of vulgar insults.
When Michael Richards was heckled during a stage performance, he responded by shouting a 3-minute speech containing many racial slurs (including "nigger"), for which he later apologized, saying "I'm not a racist, that's what's so insane about this the speech, and yet it's said, it comes through, it fires out of me".
Andy Kaufman's personae were often heckled both by genuinely angry audience members and staged audience members further confusing what was and was not part of his act.
One time a heckler called out to Rodney Dangerfield, "Hey Rodney, what do you do for a living?" Rodney replied, "I find men for your sister!", implying that the sister was a prostitute.
In The Late Show With David Letterman, there is a recurring character in the audience who insults and makes extremely profane comments at Letterman for saying what he considers uninteresting things.
In the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin is presenting an invisible cretinizer to the class as a show-and-tell, when he is heckled by a classmate who yells Oh sure, Calvin, give us a break! Calvin cleverly counters by saying As Ronald proves, its quite effective, even at long range.
Kip Addotta once stopped his show and had a drink at the bar while a heckler was thrown out! When Kip returned to the stage he was given a standing ovation!
Sam Kinison took on a heckler who shouted "Speak up" with a long and brutal attack about the heckler's mother. "That's what your mom said when I was leaving her house..."
Redd Foxx responded to the same demand: "Hey, nigger, pay more and get a good seat!"
When asked "Where's Lamont?", Redd Foxx responded: "At your mammy's."
Zach Galifianakis has been known to burst out in fits of anger, screaming at his hecklers, and sometimes even bringing them up on the stage to interview them and insult them.
Lewis Black responded to a heckler by saying, "Look -- all I'm trying to do is get these little shit pieces of information the government gives us and put in a little pile and piss on it!"
Hecklers and Sports
Hecklers can also appear at sporting events, most notably baseball games, and usually (but not always) direct their taunts at a visiting team. Fans of the Philadelphia Eagles American football team are notorious for heckling; among the most infamous incidents were booing a performer dressed as Santa Claus in a halftime show in 1968, and cheering at the career-ending injury of opposing player Michael Irvin in 1999, as well as routinely booing the Eagles themselves if they do not perform up to expectations. Often, sports heckling will also involve throwing objects onto the field; this has led most sports stadia to ban glass containers and bottlecaps. Another famous heckler is Robert Szasz, who regularly attends Tampa Bay Devil Rays baseball games. Former Yugoslav football star Dejan Savicevic is involved in an infamous incident with a heckler in which during an interview, a man on the street is heard shouting off-camera: "You're a piece of shit!" Dejan berated the man, and went on to finish the interview, without missing a beat.Australian sporting audiences are known for creative heckling. Perhaps the most famous is Yabba who has a grandstand at the Sydney Cricket Ground named after him.
The sport of cricket is particularly notorious for heckling between the teams themselves, which is known as sledging.
In the NHL one of the most famous heckling incidents was with Tie Domi and a Philadelphia Flyers fan. After exchanging some words and squirting of water at each other, the fan fell into the penalty box, where Tie started to punch the fan.
Hecklers and Politics
Politicians speaking before live audiences have less latitude to deal with hecklers. Legally, such conduct may constitute protected free speech. Strategically, coarse or belittling retorts to hecklers entails personal risk disproportionate to any gain. Some politicians, however, have been known to improvise a relevant and witty response despite these pitfalls. One acknowledged expert at this was Harold Wilson, British Prime Minister in the 1960s:Heckler: (interrupting a passage in a Wilson speech about Labour's spending plans) What about Vietnam?
Wilson: The government has no plans to increase public expenditure in Vietnam.
Heckler: Rubbish!
Wilson: I'll come to your special interest in a minute, sir.
In an era when it was not uncommon for rotten fruit and vegetables to be thrown at speakers, Australian Prime Minister Ben Chifley once exhorted his audience to lend him their ears, paraphrasing Mark Antony. Immediately, a large cabbage landed on the stage. Chifley replied "I said your ears, Sir, not your head".
In 1992, former American President Bill Clinton was interrupted by Bob Rafsky, a member of the AIDS activism group Act up, who accused him of "dying of ambition to be president" during a rally. After becoming visibly agitated, Clinton took the microphone off the stand, pointed to the heckler and directly responded to him by saying, " I have treated you and a whole lot of other people who have interrupted my rallies with a hell of a lot more respect than you treated me. And it's time to start thinking about that!" Clinton was then met with raucous applause.
Hecklers and Audience control
One modern political approach to discourage heckling is to ensure that major events are given before a "tame" audience of sympathizers, or conducted to allow restrictions on who may remain on the premises. The downside is this may make heckling incidents even more newsworthy. This happened to Tony Blair during a photo op visit to a hospital during the 2001 general election campaign, and again in 2003 during a speech.In 2004, American Vice President Dick Cheney was interrupted mid-speech by Perry Patterson, a middle-aged mother in a pre-screened rally audience. After various supportive outbursts that were permitted, ("Four more years," "Go Bush!") Patterson uttered the single word "No" and was removed from the premises and arrested for criminal trespass.
Later, in 2005, Cheney received some heckling that was broadcast during his trip to New Orleans, after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the area. The heckling occurred during a press conference in Gulfport, Mississippi, in an area that was cordoned off for public safety reasons, and then further secured for the press conference. Nevertheless, emergency room physician Ben Marble got close enough to the proceedings and could be heard yelling, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." Cheney laughed it off and continued speaking.
During a speech by Jack Straw at the 2005 Labour Party conference, 87-year old anti-war protestor Walter Wolfgang was forcefully ejected from the audience after yelling during Straw's speech. His security pass confiscated by stewards, Wolfgang was arrested under the terrorism Act when trying to re-enter the conference. After significant criticism from the media and other politicians, Tony Blair and Labour party officials apologized for the event and Wolfgang received a hero's welcome on returning to the conference.
On Thursday, April 20, 2006, a heckler from the Falun Gong spiritual movement entered the US White House grounds as a reporter and interrupted a formal arrival ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. Moments into Mr Hu's speech at the event, Wang Wenyi, perched on the top tier of the stands reserved for the press, began screaming in English and Chinese: "President Bush stop him. Stop this visit. Stop the killing and torture." The heckler was allowed to continue for several minutes despite the heavy presence of security personnel typical of such high level meeting of officials, prompting speculation that the incident was planned with the tacit cooperation of the White House in order to embarrass the Chinese president, hence possibly making this heckling incident one which was found justified by its audience. President Bush later apologised to his guest.
Please do not take lines from this article and use them regularly in performance. However, I doubt if writers of the lines I have collected would mind if they were used once or twice a year to deal with particularly difficult hecklers, so I have no objection to that.
Andrew Conway
In performances by comedians in the USA it is not uncommon for a member of the audience to interrupt the performance by shouting a comment. The comedian must respond to this or lose face. This article discusses some of the responses that are currently in use, and defines the main categories of insult that are used.The comedian's response to the heckler is called a 'heckler line'. Usually the performer simply wants to silence the offender so that he can continue with his act. The ideal heckler line leaves the victim feeling so crushed that he is not inclined to continue the dialog. If the comedian can, he will respond to whatever the heckler said, but he need not. A successful comedian will usually have a large repertoire of lines, and will attempt to choose one that fits the situation, as this will make the response appear to be improvised. A few performers will encourage hecklers, as responses that appear to be spontaneous will be funnier to the audience than a prepared routine. One commented that his job was to make whatever the heckler said seem funny, to make the heckler comfortable with what he had said.
It is normally considered very bad etiquette for a comedian to use a joke written by another comedian without paying for it or 'trading' another joke for it. If the author finds out about it, it can lead to more than merely verbal aggression. Many comedians make an exception for heckler lines, provided they are not used regularly or made part of a routine. The logic seems to be that if you really need to control a difficult member of the audience, you should be free to use whatever it takes. However, the authors of some of the lines below might not be happy to hear them used by another performer. Sometimes a comedian will take an existing joke and modify it to avoid stealing material, or to create a line that works better for his stage character or audience. This is referred to as a 'switch', and it is considered acceptable behavior, provided the change is large enough. Many of the jokes below are switches on some other line.
The main categories of a heckler line are variations on
* Telling the heckler to be quiet* Calling the heckler asshole
* Implying the heckler is drunk or drugged
* Implying the heckler is childish
* Implying the heckler is an idiot
* Implying the heckler is ugly
* Sexual insults
* Insults to parents
* Implying the heckler has a menial job
Each of these categories is briefly commented on below, and examples are given. Lines such as the title of this article which fall into more than one category have been assigned to one or the other by auctorial whim. Some lines are specifically directed at men, women, children, adolescents or people with beards. Where this is the case, it is indicated before the line. If a line which applies to a specific sex could be easily modified to apply to the other sex I have not bothered to give both versions, or to indicate to which sex it applies. Obscure references are noted after the line.
Telling the heckler to be quiet
A simple and popular approach is for the comedian to tell the heckler to be quiet. 'Shut up.''Shut the fuck up.'
'Fuck off.'
'On a scale of one to ten- fuck off.'
'Look man, I grew up in the ghetto, I've been through your wallet, I know where you live, shut up, sit down.' The comedian is black.
'Shut yer fucking face! Unless you have something intelligent to say.'
'I'm not really good with hecklers, but a friend who is good with hecklers wrote something down for me. Oh, yeah, "Fuck off!"' The comedian takes a piece of paper from his pocket and pretends to read from it before saying "Oh, yeah".
To a child: 'Why don't you take a piggy back ride on a buzz saw?'
'Sir, if I said anything to offend you, please believe me.'
'You know, I think you've got nothing there.'
'I'll buy you a beer if you'll drink it in Oakland.' The comedian is in San Francisco. Oakland is a largely black town on the other side of the Bay, which is the butt of many local jokes. 'Hey, man, I like doing my act the way you like having sex- alone.'
'Why don't you put your nose in your ear and blow your brains out?'
To an aggressive group of hecklers who were walking away from the show: 'Oh, yeah?' This was said quietly, so that the audience could hear it, but the hecklers could not.
'Do you know who I am?- Not many people do. That's why I carry this.' The comedian then makes a one finger gesture considered crude in America. This is a parody of a series of American Express commercials in which this phrase precedes the display of a credit card. To a heckler who has just said something which is not funny: 'Well, I don't know about you, but my sides are splitting. Aren't you glad you got out of bed to say that?' Said sarcastically.
Calling the heckler an asshole
The word asshole seems to have a particular resonance in heckler lines. The heckler is behaving in a manner which is aggressive and unpleasant to the comedian, and by extension to the rest of the audience. This would normally justify the epithet. The insult has the right emotive content - it is strong enough to be funny, but not so powerful that the comedian loses the sympathy of the audience.'If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.'
'If you want to be on stage we'll switch places - you come up here and be funny, I'll go down there and act like an asshole.'
'The difference between a comic and an asshole- is about ten feet.'
'What an asshole.' This line works best if the comedian is polite to the heckler first. 'I'm sorry, I don't know how to deal with you, I'm a comic not a proctologist.'
'Is that a heckler?' 'No, it's an asshole.' This is performed by two comedians, one of whom says the first line and the other the second.
Hecklers To a pair of hecklers Stereo assholes
'Seventeen more of you and we'd have a golf course.' A golf course has eighteen holes.'On a scale of one to ten- you're an asshole.'
'Excuse me, what was that?- I like that, assholes with amnesia.' The second part of this line is only used if the heckler fails to repeat what he just said.
'Any more bright ideas, asshole?'
Implying the heckler is drunk or drugged
Very often a heckler may be under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. Even if he are not, it is common for the comedian to suggest that he is (or should be).'It's alright, I remember the first time I had a beer.'
'It's alright, I remember the first time I had a quaalude.'
'Don't smoke marijuana, this could happen to you.'
To a child: 'Go ask mummy for a valium.'
To a child: 'Go ask mummy for a thorazine.'
To a child: 'Had a little too much sugar this morning?'
'Children, just say "No"- Children, look at this man- just say "No"!' This is a reference to an anti-drug slogan.
'Here's an alcoholic who doesn't want to remain anonymous.'
'You shouldn't drink on an empty head.'
'Looks like the face on the bar room floor finally got up.'
'He's suffering from bottle fatigue.'
'One more word out of you and I'll put you back in your bottle of alcohol.' This implies that the heckler is a biological specimen.
'Isn't it amazing what a little kindness, patience and benzedrine can do?'
'I'm sorry, I don't speak alcoholic.'
Implying the heckler is childish
A comedian will can suggest that heckling is childish behavior. Any further interruptions then become an admission of immaturity on the part of the heckler. The comedian will often adopt a patronizing or superior tone for this type of line. Similar lines, but usually with a more gentle insult, are used if the heckler really is a child.'Isn't that special?'
'Thank you for sharing.'
'I hope your face clears up.'
To a child: 'What's the matter, kid, didn't you get enough attention at home?'
'You go home and tell this joke to your mum, because you still live with her.'
'Everyone else here works and plays well with others.'
'Don't yell at me, I ain't your mother.'
To a child: 'Now I know why some animals eat their young.'
To a child: 'You make me wish I'd donated to Planned Parenthood.'
To a child: 'I love kids- lightly sauteed.'
To a child: 'I love children, I eat one every day.'
To a child: 'I have the heart of a child - in a jar at home.' As with all spoken comedy, timing of heckler lines is important. One comedian who reviewed an earlier version of this article was particularly concerned with the rhythm or meter with which the line is delivered. This is one of several lines he modified. The previous version was 'I have the heart of a small child - in a jar in the kitchen.'
To a child: 'If you guys want to grow up you'll stop now, cause I'm bigger than you are and I carry hatchets, so deal with that.' The comedian is a juggler, who juggles hatchets in his act.
To a child: 'What are you going to be IF you grow up?'
To a child: 'This year's poster child for zero population growth.'
To a child who has just been funny: 'That was a pretty good joke, kid. What are you trying to do, top your parents?'
'You could get a job in a charm school- as a bad example.'
Implying the heckler is an idiot
The comedian can insult the heckler's intelligence by suggesting a severe mental handicap, a taste for soap operas or just living in an unfashionable town.
'I'm paid to act like a fool, what's your excuse?'
'What holds your ears apart?'
'I see your therapy's coming along just fine'
'So what's the matter? "Thirtysomething" was on reruns?'
The author believes that "Thirtysomething" is a television program.
'What, was there no tractor pull on tonight, you had nothing to do?' A "tractor pull" is a form of televised "entertainment" too stupid to explain.
'Did you go to school on the big school bus or the little school bus?' "The little school bus" would be used for handicapped children.
'We'll have a telethon for you later.' "Telethons" are long television programs which attempt to raise charitable contributions usually for the diseased or handicapped.
'Were you in the special class at school?' "The special class" would be for mentally handicapped children.
'Are you from the shallow end of the gene pool?'
'Do all your friends wear hockey helmets and go on a lot of field trips?' Implies the heckler was in a class of mentally handicapped children.
'Every village has one.'
'There's a guy who'll never get cancer of the brain.'
'He's a legend in his own mind. 'To a heckler who has just got a laugh: 'That's pretty good, got another one? No? That's why I'm up here and you're down there.'
'Isn't it amazing that such a big head can hold such a small mind?'
'Hey, mind your own business- or don't you own a business- or a mind?' The comedian I collected this line from was particularly concerned that I get the timing correct. As he put it, "It's 'Hey, mind your own business,' one, two, three, 'or don't you own a business?' one, two, three, 'or a mind?'"
'Well, there's something penicillin won't cure.'
'Your parents must be cousins.'
'Isn't it a shame when cousins marry?'
To a heckler who has said something inaudible:
'Aaaughhh!' Said as if imitating the heckler.
'Where are you from?- That explains it.'
'Where are you from?- Sorry?- No, I heard you, I'm just sorry.'
Implying the heckler is ugly
As usual, the content of the insult need have nothing to do with reality. It does not matter how good looking the heckler is, calling him ugly can still get a laugh.'Is that really your face or did your neck just throw up?'
'Is that your face or did you just block a kick?'
'You're the only case where the baby died and the afterbirth lived.'
'On a scale of one to ten- you're ugly.'
To a man: 'You're ugly, your dick is short, no one likes you, shut the fuck up.'
To a man: 'You look like Beaver Cleaver, is your mum going to make us a swell pot roast today?' "Beaver
Cleaver" was a child character in an early situation comedy, "Leave it to Beaver".
'I've seen better faces on a clock, and even then a cuckoo came out.'
To an adolescent girl: 'Ah, the flower of womanhood! You look more like the stem.'
'I've seen better faces on an iodine bottle.' An iodine bottle is labelled with a skull and cross bones to indicate Poison.
'Is that a wart on your tongue, or did you bring your wife?'
To an older woman: 'Give me a break will you. After all, you'd still have the funniest lines in the place if you kept your mouth shut.'
To a woman: 'How many peeping Toms have you cured?'
To a bearded man: 'Get a shave. Your face looks like an armpit.'
'You could play a human being with a little rehearsing.'
'You've got just the right kind of looks for television.
Two more legs and you could star in a western.'
To one or more men in suits: 'Oh, look, a C&R commercial just got let out.' "C&R" make cheap suits.
To someone with an obviously expensive haircut: 'Hey, you, Mr. Supercuts.' "Supercuts" are cheap barbers. Usually to a woman: 'Did you hear Jenny Craig is having a special?' "Jenny Craig" is a weight loss program.
Heckler Sexual insults
A great range of sexual insults and slurs can be used. The classification of these would be enough for another article. Among other things the heckler can be accused of being impotent, gay, promiscuous, a masturbator, a prostitute, the relative of a prostitute, a transvestite, or of dating someone promiscuous. Usually to a woman: 'You'd look good with a dick in your mouth. Just kidding, you'd look good with everyone's dick in your mouth.'To a man: 'I don't have a lot of time for this so let's get it over quickly - you're ugly, your dick is small and everybody fucks your mother.'
To a man: 'Good to see you again, back in men's clothing.'
To a man: 'Look, it's my old school master. How are you doing Master Bater?' This can really get a laugh on stage, though it looks painful in writing. To someone who has just said "That's easy": 'So's your sister.'
'Is that your boyfriend?- Small world.'
'Is that your wife? - Small world.'
To a man who has just implied the comedian is gay: 'Only one way to find out if I'm gay - suck my dick and see if I come.'
To a man who has just implied the comedian is gay: 'Only one way to find out if I'm gay, suck my dick and see if I try to stop you.'
To a man who has just implied the comedian is gay: 'You want to know if I'm gay - you and your girlfriend bend over and see who I fuck.' 'Eat me.'
To a man: 'Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date later- I don't know what happened, I bit her ear, she farted and flew out the window.' This implies that the heckler uses an inflatable plastic doll for sexual purposes.
To a man or boy: 'You're just bitter 'cause your parents wanted a boy.'
To a man: 'Let's go somewhere and drink lattÄs and talk about it.' This is said as if the comedian is flirting with the heckler. It is particularly effective with
Hecklers Mormons who do not drink coffee
To a man: 'Do you like espresso?' Said as if the comedian is flirting with the heckler.To a man: 'You couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of twenties.'
To a man who has just said "Fuck you!": 'Fuck me, you'll never go back to women.'
To a man the comedian has just insulted: 'Sorry, that's a low blow- Speaking of low blows, how's your wife?' To a heckler who has failed to respond to an insult:
'What's the matter? Got your tongue caught in a zipper?'
To two men: 'Where are you from?- You guys come together?- Oh really?' "Oh really" is said in a tone of voice that implies the men are gay.
To a man who has just implied the comedian is gay: 'Why, are you lonely?'
To a woman: 'Did you folks hear about the good time that was had by all? Well, here she is.'
To a woman standing at the edge of the stage: 'While you're down there do an old friend a favour.'To the boyfriend of a woman heckler: 'Slap the bitch!'
This would normally be too strong an insult to use on stage, but the comedian has a particularly aggressive stage character and built up to this with milder insults to which the heckler responded.
Heckler Insults to parents
As many articles in Maledicta have indicated, it is not uncommon for an insult to be applied to the family members of the target. Heckler lines are no exception. Parents are the usual subject, particularly the heckler's mother.'I went to Baskin Robbins and the flavor of the month was your mother. I has two scoops'. "Baskin Robbins" is a chain of ice cream parlours.
To a heckler who has just said "That's easy": 'So's your mother.'
'Were your parents related? At least they had the same last name.'
'I could have been your father but my brother beat me to it cause he had change for a dollar.'
'Yo mama.' The comedian is black, or performing to a black audience. This implies he is about to insult the heckler's mother.
'People like you make me wish birth control was retroactive.'
'I'm glad you came. Too bad your father did.'To a child: 'Shut up or I'll put my hand in my pocket and strangle your father.'
Implying the heckler has a menial job
A comedian will often state that the heckler is preventing him from doing his job, and add that he does not interfere with the heckler at work. However, the job that the comedian claims not to be interfering with is always of a menial nature, usually prostitution or working in a fast food restaurant.'This is my job. I don't come into McDonalds' and give you a hard time when you're at work.'
'This is my job. I don't knock the shovel out of your hand when you're at work.'Usually to a woman: 'This is my job. I don't knock the dick out of your mouth when you're at work.'
To a woman: 'This is my job. I don't come and put out your red light when you're at work.'
'This is my job. I don't show up at your job and unplug the Slurpee machine.' The "Slurpee machine" serves an almost edible product in certain fast food restaurants.
To a woman: 'This is my job. I don't show up at your job and jump on the bed.' 'This is my impression of you at work: "Do you want fries with that?"'
'Look chick, you made your expenses for the night, let me make mine.' This implies that the woman is a prostitute. The line is an old one, and the term "chick" might no longer be acceptable.
To a platinum blonde woman: 'Isn't platinum a precious metal? Or is it a common ore?' This is a pun on ore/whore.
To a woman: 'You work your side of the street and I'll work mine.' Said by a street juggler.
'This is my job. I don't peer in the alley when you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals.'
To a man: 'This is my job. I don't show up at your job at the sperm clinic and jerk the Playboy out of your hands.'
Finally, there are limits to the force of insult that a comedian can use and still remain funny. While a male comedian can call a female heckler asshole, he is unlikely to get a good response if he calls her bitch or cunt. The limits of acceptable bad taste depend on the audience and the setting, as well as the stage character that the comedian has established. A black comedian entertaining a rural white audience cannot say 'Shut up or I'm going to date your sister and make her pregnant', nor can a clown character performing at a children's birthday party say 'Shut the fuck up!' however much he may want to.
The majority of these lines were collected from Robert Nelson, Scott Meltzer, Ngaio Bealum and Dave Gomez. Many thanks for their creative maledictions.
I use the masculine pronoun with apologies to include female comedians and hecklers.
