Blonde Jokes!
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Blonde Helicopter Pilot Joke
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."
Kip Addotta
Blonde Public Works Joke
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
Richard M. Hausman
Bob and the blonde joke
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw th is earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...
Bonnie West
"Blonde and her husband Joke"
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'. She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Brian Seufert
"Blonde after sex Joke"
You know what the first thing that a blonde girl does after having sex, don't you?She introduces herself,...then climbs out of the back seat!......
Mark
"Blonde Gets Home Early joke"
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting."What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids?!"
George Dondero
"The best blonde joke ever"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then " he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Victor Addotta
"The very first ever Blonde Guy joke.... And well worth the wait!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch '.
Bob Parks
Blonde Airline Joke
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute...""The blonde says, thank you and hangs up.
Kathleen Nolan
Blonde Joke
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Kathleen Nolan
"Mid-life crisis Blonde Joke"
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde.""Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Brian Seufert
"Blonde Mistress Joke"
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband, and walks off."Who was that?" demands the wife.
"If you must know, that was my mistress."
"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up the big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress."
"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."
Kip Addotta
"A lawyer and a blonde joke
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long>flight. The lawyer asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. So she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She a asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the air-phone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Bonnie West
"A blonde called 911 Joke"
A blonde called 911 on her Cell Phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Kathleen Nolan
"Vacation Blonde Joke"
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought somereally outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
Kathleen Nolan
"Hole in one Joke"
Three guys tee off and the last one hits a hole in one. A genie appears and says, "On a hole in one you can hace infinite beauty and health, or limit less money or ultimate wisdom.. the guy takes the wisdom. The genie disappears and his friends says to him, Well? And the guys says, I shoulda taken the money.Jack Mayberry
"Blonde Painter Joke"
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked!
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over. so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
Brian Seufert
"More Blondes Joke"
Two bowling league teams, one all brunettes and one all blondes, decide to charter a bus to Las Vegas for the weekend.The group charters a double-decker bus for the trip.
The brunette team sits on the bottom deck, and the blondes sit on the top deck of the bus.
During the trip, the brunettes have a great time laughing, talking, and singing.
After a while, one brunette realizes that she hasn't heard anything from the blondes on the upper deck.
She climbs up the stairs and sees the blondes all sitting upright, staring straight ahead, and clasping their armrests tightly.
"What's going on up here?" she asks, "We're having a great time downstairs."
One blonde slowly leans over and whispers, "Of course you're having a good time. YOU have a driver."
Brian Seufert
"Blonde Golf Balls Joke"
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets filled with golf balls!A puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. After many of these glances the man said, "Golf Balls."
The blonde continued to look at him, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, her curiosity got the best of her and she asked,
"Do they hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Bonnie West
"How Does Your Garden Grow? Blonde Joke"
A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Brian Seufert
"Blond? Joke"
She pulls the keys to her car out of her purse, and offers them to the loan officer. The banker isn't biting yet, and tells her that he has to see the car. They go out front, and the car is a new $300,000 Rolls Royce. He loans her the money, and has his assistant drive her to the airport.Two weeks later, the blonde returns to the bank with the $3,000, plus the $20 interest. By now, everyone has heard of the blonde who secured a $3,000 loan with a $300,000 Rolls-Royce. As other bank officers stood nearby, the banker asks the woman, "You obviously have enough money. Why on earth would you use such an expensive car to secure a small loan like this?"
The blonde answered, "Where else can I park my car for two weeks and get a lift to the airport for $20?"
Mike Purves!
"Blonde Knitting Joke"
A highway patrolman pulled up along side a speeding car with his lights flashing and his siren blaring.Glancing into the car, he was astonished to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting something.
She seemed oblivious to the siren and lights, so he rolls down the window and shouts at her, "PULL OVER!" She yells back "NO! A SCARF"
Bonnie West!
"Blonde and the Milk Man Joke"
A milkman goes up to a house, and notices a note. It reads "Please leave 15 gallons of milk today. Thank you". He is puzzled by the request, and knocks on the door. A Blond opens the door.The milkman says, "I got your note, and I wanted to make sure I've got this right. You want 15 gallons of milk, not 1.5 gallons? Is that right?" The Blond says, "Yes, that's correct! I'm going to take a milk bath!"
The milkman man says, "Well, that makes sense; say, do you want that pasteurized?"
The Blond says, "No, just up to my boobs, I'll splash some on my face!"
Seve Ballard
"Blonde Joke"
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked,..
"How many is a Brazilian?"
Dinny Chisholm
"Mistaken Identity Blonde Joke"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from so he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now, he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with a wet celery stick and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Rich Yacovelli
"A blonde and Joke"
What did the blonde say when she woke up in the morning with the pro football player?"Wheres the rest of the team"?
John Gardetto
"Devious Rumor Joke"
Evidently there is some question, going around, as to the size of my penis. I must get fifty emails a day, from people I've never even heard of, offering to sell me this or that to improve the size of my dangle. I believe that I am on a list, somewhere! A list of faceless men who have the need to enlarge their tally whackers.
Someone out there, maybe even you, has started a low down, lie of a rumor! Maybe you're the one that is putting my name and email address on a list of men who need to extend the size of their bell ringer! If it is you, I demand that you cease and desist! Because, I proclaim to you and all that I have never, at any time, been a member of the group of men that suffer from a disease known as Smallcox. Which is an affliction that strikes one out of every three men and has caused many a wife to drive hundreds of miles to get a few inches away from home!
Kip Addotta
"Blonde Jokes Joke"
Did you know that there are only seven blonde jokes?The others aren't jokes.
As sent by: Dennis Rogers
"Man Song Joke"
Click here to play the cartoon
Kip Addotta
"Blonde in Elevator Joke"
A blonde gets on an elevator, and a guy already there asks her what floor she's going to. "2nd," she says. "I'm giving blood. They pay $25 a donation.""Oh yeah," says the guy. "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 4th floor. They pay $250 a donation."
A 15 watt light bulb illuminates above the blonde's head.
The next day the blonde gets on the same elevator, and the guy asks her which floor. She replies, barely able to open her mouth, "Forfff Forrrr."
As sent by: Bob Brody
"Blonde in Flower Shop Joke"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase"?
As sent by: Don Gordon
"Blond Joke"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman."
Jay Isherwood!
"Blonde State Capitals Joke"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She Proudly says, "Go ahead ask me! I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: "W"!
Jay Isherwood!
