Biff Manard Archive!
Your Comments Are Welcomed!.. We Insist!
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest!"
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Do you care?
I find it strange and ironic that our "society" watches the news on tv day after day and turns a blind eye to the murders, injustices, mayhem, crime in general, cruelty inflicted upon one human being to another as a given. That this is the status quo, never to be rectified or changed as this is our destiny.What??? How can we sit by and allow this to continue? Is this what evolution has come to? No questions asked and no accountability? Jesus! Let's do SOMETHING people! This is totally unacceptable. Maybe it IS time for vigilantyism again. No one else seems to give a shit.
I'm Biff Manard and that's what I think. God bless John Walsh!
Why and Who
Why do you never see road signs that read "Women Working"? You'd at least expect to see them in Times Square...Who are the "Learn to Read!" signs for???
I'm Biff Manard and I'm just naturally curious...
A Christmas greeting...
I think this captures the American Christmas spirit so I thought I'd send it out to all of you.In the unroamed loamed alone of cathedral forests
where resounds the echoing silence of the great organ timber pipes
that tower into the crystal distance
among the cool green and deep honey dark caches
of shadowed silence there grow
the christmas trees.
Child trees still suckling woodmilk from beneath the moss
to lift their sapling fingers and touch full stride their miracle.
But these child trees as christmas ornaments
are severed from sanctuary by seasoned hunters
with steel saws and shiney axes
and brought to towns priced and tagged trimmed and dragged off
to christmastreetion camps where amid the pallor of neon
and the roaring ugliness of the christmas crash
they wait for christmas people to inspect them and select them
to fit a certain space in a certain place so much less
than a wilderness with tinsel and glass paper and plastic
trash foam and fuzz flashing lights and icons they stand dressed
to hide their slow dry dying.
Merry Christmas
Tepid Alibi's and Excuses...
Sorry I'm late. But the dog ate my watches and clocks and calendars and hour glasses and tv's and radios. Seriously...I know I came too soon! But my mom taught me to be early for everything.
I'm sorry I missed your wedding in L.A., man! But I was at an AA meeting and somebody put LSD in my coffee and the next thing I knew I woke up on a railroad siding in Duluth.
I WOULD have picked you up at the airport but I couldn't find it!
I DID have your money, Jim! The whole 5 yards! But while I was in the shower my roommate boosted it and blew it on mambo lessons.
I would like to dance, Carla. Really. But I've got this new titanium leg and...
I KNOW it's a couples only party and I would've brought my girlfriend but she's really self concious about her noses.
I like to go to the big game with you tomorrow, Bob, but my cousin has a date and he needs to borrow my teeth and the leg.
She had a GUN! She said if I didn't have sex with her, she'd shoot YOU, honey!
Hey! Ok! I couldn't get it up because...it's too big and heavy!
I'm Biff Manard. And that's excuse enough.
In the men's room...
I walked into an upscale restaurant's men's room after dinner and saw a nationally prominent televangelist standing at a urinal. Over his shoulder he said "Please go outside while I finish." I said "Why? There's four empty urinals.He said, "I can't let anyone watch me pee." "Is it psychological?" I asked.
He replied "No. It's one of the terms of my probation."
I'm Biff Manard. And this is what I do.
Wondering...
Once in a great while, it happens. You're somewhere crowded with people, say at a bar or a party. And, across the room, you see a desirable woman looking right at you. Right into your eyes. And you wonder...is this the one who was meant for me, alone? Am I as attractive to her as she is to me? Is she feeling what I'm feeling?You wonder... has she been waiting her whole life for this moment too? You wonder... will she accept a check or will she insist on cash? You wonder...
I'm Biff Manard. And I wonder about these things.
Significant Dichotomies...
Naval vessels are always named after men. So why are they always referred to as "she" or "her"?If it's a man's world, why do they call it "Mother Earth"?
Hey, they can't all be gems. How else do you explain Zircons.
I'm Biff Manard. Do the day and let the day do you...
Do you remember the actor, Walter Brennan...
I once wrote a synopsis for a screenplay which was to star the late Walter Brennan, (By the way...he's not late...he's not coming.) It was called "A Pony for Grandpa". The story of a horse, and the old man who loved him...just a little too much.I'm Biff Manard. And I'm quite mad. Not to mention my marked propensity for both procrastination and sloth.
The names of the wimpiest towns in the USA...
"Please, don't do that to me!" Iowa"I'll do anything if you stop that!" Florida
"C'mon! We can work this out, honey!" Tennessee
"Wait! It doesn't have to hurt like this!" Ohio
"Ok, I give up!" California
"Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks!" Kentucky
"Yes, I'll eat that if you want me to." Colorado
"Humbly Acquiesce" Michigan
"I'm a Piece of Shit" Oregon
"Knock Me Down Again for Drill" Nebraska
"Bendover & Like It" Arkansas
"Slap Me Stupid" S. Carolina
I'm Biff Manard. And I have a marked propensity for procrastination and sloth.
Things I wrote for Rodney dangerfield...
Dear readers, as you may have noticed I have not submitted any blog for some time. This is due to extensive renovation of the computer center in my building, which I use. Those renovations are now complete and I'm finally back. Which may please or piss you off. Anyway...I wrote these jokes for the late Rodney Dangerfield who, unfortunately, passed away before he got to use them. May God rest his soul.
I get no respect. No respect at all.
I gave a big check to a local charity...they made me pay a service charge.
When my brother died I flew home to console my mother. But before I could comfort her I had to wait until she finished watching "Family Feud".
I went to have dinner at my gay uncle's restaurant, ya know? Uncle Sheila. Place called "Chez Grope".He gave me the V.I.P. treatment. Vermin In Pain. The waiter said "It'll be a 15 minute wait." I said "I'll be at the bar." He said "You'll be at the vacuum."
In college I tried so hard to fit in. But the doors were so narrow, ya know? I wanted to be popular. I wanted to make a lot of friends. But I didn't have enough money.
I tried out for cheerleader. Talk about humiliating! You had to lead a cheer to whoever showed up to watch the auditions. I'm yelling at three janitors. "Gimme an 'M'! Gimme an 'O'! Gimme a 'P'!"
The only thing I lettered in was Varsity Lunch. Second string. One day I went to see my college counselor. I asked him "What should I be?" He said "Gimme an 'M', gimme an 'O'...
I had a family photo portrait taken recently to send to relatives and friends as a Christmas card with all of our names underneath it. I ended up as "Also not pictured".
At my wedding, my wife brought a date.
When it came time for her to say "I do" she said "I'll get back to you."
I met my first wife by accident. I was crossing the street when her brakes failed. If she hadn't backed over me again, we never would've talked. Thank God she had to come back for a spilled case of beer. And that somebody called a cop. Who arrested me for loitering.
I'm Biff Manard. And that was for you, Rodney.
Recent Inventions...
I've begun conducting a survey in order to ascertain the feasibility and workability of several recent inventions, the foremost of which is the Off-Road Piano. If any of you has recently tried one or purchased one I'd like to hear your comments.Also, if anyone knows anything about Nike's new "Tom Turkey" Shoes, I'd welcome your input, preferably before Thanksgiving.
With gratitude,
Biff Manard
Well, so do I for that matter due to my agreement with same.
Go Bink!
Richard Anthony
A Poem About Mountain Climbing for Your Consideration..
To crawl up vertical mountain shoulders,just toes and fingertips on boulders,
with a safety net the size of a dime.
That's what it's like to mountain climb
If you're a climber there's no escape from it.
You eat it and sleep it and live for the summit.
If danger was illegal, you'd live a life of crime.
That's what it's like to mountain climb.
Behind you, nothing but beckoning space.
In front of you, a treacherous rocky face.
Your heart, like a snare drum, beats sublime.
That's what it's like to mountain climb.
From dawn to dark, exhausting drills,
For a mountain won't forgive any lack of skills.
Death's your companion all of the time.
That's what it's like to mountain climb.
Scabs and blisters every day.
If you want the top, that's the price you pay,
To conquer a tower whose challenge is prime.
That's what it's like to mountain climb'
Since the dawn of time, the question is "why?"
Does man attempt what could make him die?
Because the mountain is there. No other reason or rhyme.
That's what it's like to mountain climb.
I'm Biff Manard...and I've never been out of my room.
The writing contest...
I once entered a writing contest sponsored by a literary magazine. The goal was to write the absolutely worst opening line of a novel. I didn't win but here are some of my submissions:It was my first night working in the diner and the owner was holding all the cards, after all, I was just a lowly busboy with a lousy pair of trays.
Meanwhile, back at the college, it was a stark and dormy night.
The train whistled outward bound with her, the only woman I'd ever loved on board, it's fading rumbling severing old ties.
The drooling alien glared at me through the Neptunian poison fog, so I shot him in his(?) third lip.
She was a great broad, the kind who will make you laugh and love while they're kicking a stiletto high heel straight into your guts.
He was a man. He was a manly man. He was as manly as a manly man can get. And he was manly dead. Shot through his manly manhood. Oh, this man was dead alright. Deader than Ed McMahon's sperm count.
I'm Biff Manard. And I'm in search of responses which are not indicative of a diminutive intellect
SmokeQuitters...
After literally years of trying to quit smoking and I finally did!I tried everything! Cold turkey, the patch, 9 patches, the gum, the gum and the patch, the inhaler, fake cigarettes.
You name it, I've tried it!
Finally, I"ve found a system that works! I mean really works. It's called "SmokeQuitters".
What they provide is the most powerful incentive to quit I've ever tried.
What happens with this system is that everytime you light up a cigarette, they stab your mom! Wow! After just a half-carton, I am smoke free!
Thank you "SmokeQuitters'! And thanks to my late mom!
I'm Biff Manard and my mind is on vacation but my mouth is working overtime.
Here's some things that I think I know...
Hold on to your woman. Someday she may be back in style.It's not who you know...it's how she found out.
A loser is a guy with dandruff in his toupee.
Consider him qualified if he's got half a mind to marry.
Forget the future. It's a thing of the past.
Never marry for life. You might find out your partner doesn't have any.
Women is smarter than mans are.
A lot of people in Arkansas don't work. But, thank God they've got jobs!
Am I square? I took LSD and saw Donny Osmond in my wallpaper.
Silence may be golden but alimony is platinum.
Men, practice self defense. YOU carry the credit cards.
In the battle of the sexes, it's the women who wear the camouflage.
Gentleman prefer broads.
And finally...if you can't beat 'em, groin 'em.
I'm Biff Manard...and if writing was criminal I'd live a life of crime.
Oil Company Profits...
The oil companies this quarter have recorded record-breaking profits in the billions of dollars. Yeah...and? Why does the media constantly portray this remarkably phenomenal accomplishment as EVIL?Say I'm in the cloth business.( In yiddish it's called the "shmatta" business.) I buy a piece of cloth for $5. I cut it in half and sell one piece for $5. Then I sell the other piece for $5. I've doubled my money. And sold to willing buyers. Is this EVIL? It's called profit.
This country, The United States of America, is the first nation in the history of the world to CREATE wealth. Wealth that was NOT conquered or looted. To MAKE money is the noblest and most moral endeavor ever undertaken. To create where there was nothing before.
Oil is a natural phenomenon in the earth. But without discovery, technology, refinery, application... it's nothing but annoying black goo. To realize these things is solid gold and should be rewarded as such. Think of the first oil well. Somebody had to build a derrick. How many jobs did that create? Then somebody invented a car that ran on gasoline derived from oil. Now how many jobs are we talking about?
And every person who has one of these jobs needs food, clothing and shelter. Now how many jobs and markets are we talking about? Not to mention entertainment. Communications. Defense. Education. Huh? Where is the Godamned EVIL? I say "God bless the oil companies!" I don't care how much money they MAKE. They make my own life better! And yours, and everybody's! How hard IS it to figure out, folks? Jeez!
I'm Biff Manard...and that's the frickin' truth about this.
Mike Lea
The email about "Oil Profits" was written by Biff Manard, not me! I admit that I feel the same way you do, but, I do not edit a contributors content.
In the subject line of the email, you recieved, it said, "Biff Manard's Thought Mill." Infering the writers identity.
I will post your email on his web page even though it comes from, you, a person who is foul tempered, afraid and dimwitted!
I will, gladly, remove you from Biff's list! He doesn't want anyone on it that is less than smart. Sorry, your out of here!
Kip Addotta
An Ayn Rand follower if ever I have heard one!
Love,
Kitten
Life is not as black and white as you describe- it never is - don't be duped.
Michael Davis
So glad to hear from you and read your thoughts on my "Biffatorial". While I choose to keep my p.o.v., I realize that others' opinions are welcome and thought-provoking as are yours. My intent was not to focus on the war...that is another discussion, entirely.
I appreciate your input. Until next time...your friend,
Biff Manard
Restroom Graffiti I'd Like To See...
Take an interest in your wife's hobbies. Hire a detective.Ladies, why take the pill? Everybody's already here.
Love might be blind but marriage opens your eyes.
Avoid excitement! Go to a Clippers game.
Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Have patience, Rome wasn't burnt in a day!
I wanted to go to Catalina in the worst way. So I went with my wife.
I used to believe in reincarnation but that was in 1812.
Hit children only in self-defense.
I say let nuns marry. It'll give them a working knowledge of hell.
Support planned parenthood before Mary has another little lamb.
Visit Mexico. See how the other half leaves.
Forget an open mind, girls. Keep an open body.
Men are good for two things: opening beer and I forget the other one.
We can't afford a war on poverty.
Home cooking is where today's woman isn't.
Hookers are out standing.
Promote understanding between races. Buy your bookie a drink.
Thank God I'm an atheist!
Eat at McDonalds. 1 billion flies can't be wrong.
There's too much water in our chlorine supply.
Get a new car for your husband if anybody will trade.
I'm Biff Manard...and I've got tens of 'em.
A Review of Saturday Night Live...
From its opening sketch (in tv speak that's a "cold" opening, and in this case it was far below zero.) to its thankfully brief "good night, everyone" Saturday Night Live has used up its nine and should be retitled "Saturday Night Dead."The actors populating SNL's current cast are competent and likeable enough, and painfully desirous of both stardom and pleasing us. They energetically strive to make the premises and characters work. So it's not their fault that the material just lies there like last New Year's Eves' confetti. Question: Whose fault is it then? Answer: It's the words. (Or lack of them.) The fault lies with the so called wordsmiths. The frickin' writers!
These people should be formally boycotted by Bic, Pentel, IBM, the legal pad industry and everybody else associated with print! There should be a legal restraining order filed against this staff requiring them to stay at least one hundred yards away from ANY writing instrument in the world for ninety years!
They are a paean to unbridled mediocrity, a blaring blend of bland and banality. (The ultimate and obvious result of nepotism's inbreeding.) The pen is there, but guided by a sophomoric moron's hand. Who ARE these literary (sic) pedestrians who have all the creativity of a jar of hair?
And Lorne Michaels should be put to a slow, agonizing death. Followed by a lot of pain.
I'm Biff Manard...and that's what I really think about it.
Little Bits of My Life...
Years ago I was at the beach in La Jolla, California with my youngest brother, Dennis. We surfed, had a few beers and I met a gorgeous young board-bunny. She and I got on immediately, so I asked her if she'd like to come to my place for a little afternoon delight. She eagerly agreed, so the three of us drove home, she following us in her VW van.As we drove, Dennis said "Hey, brother, how 'bout letting me watch?" I told him he was out of his mind. He said "What's the big deal? I'll go in first and hide under the bed. She'll never know I'm there. Man, pleeease!"
I finally agreed. Must have been the beers. So we arrived and before she got out of her van, Dennis slipped in unnoticed. Well, we undressed immediately and got down to it. We tumbled for some time, and, finally satisfied, got dressed again and she left after exchanging phone numbers. Susan. Wow!
After she drove away I went back in to find my brother sitting on the rumpled bed smoking a cigarette. "Was it good? Sure sounded like it," he asked. "It was great!" I replied. "How 'bout you? You see anything?" He smiled and said "Oh yeah! It was cool! I saw her bare ass a couple of times, threw a jack and found a dime!"... Funny guy, my little brother.
I'm Biff Manard...and I've got a hundred of 'em.
The Matinee
One time I went to see an afternoon matinee with a friend in downtown Westwood, Ca. I forget the name of the movie that was playing. We stopped at the snack counter where he fillled up on everything from popcorn and candy to huge drinks.We made our way into the theatre just before the houselights went down and except for one little old lady who was sitting in the exact center of the place, it was deserted. He said "Watch this." And proceeded to walk way down to the row the woman was sitting in. He shuffled along the seats until he was right next to her.
He leaned over to her and said "Excuse me, I've got my friend here with me and all this stuff, could you move over a couple of seats?" She looked around for a minute, then actually moved! That's still one of the funniest things I've ever seen!
I'm Biff Manard...and I'm a borderline burnout with questionable social skills.
After considerable introspection I have finally concluded after many years that:
I am the great uninvited.I am the ignored
I am the unwelcome.
I am the neglected and the unconsidered.
I am the overlooked and the misunderstood.
I am the dinosaur, the useless, the outdated, the forgotten and the critically unwashed.
I am the socially shunned. A faceless extra on the world's stage without even a full walk-on.
I am the unnoticed, the uninteresting, the overly common.
I am the great unwanted, the unphoned, the unvisited, the unoffered. The first charter member of the vast unlunched.
I am the unrepresented.
I am the unendorsed, and the unsupported.
I am the unliked, the unloved and the unlovable.
Jesus! I am finally soooo happy!
I'm Biff Manard... and all of the above is true and notarized by a court of law.
REAL Accolades in a Highschool Yearbook...
In every Highschool Annual for the graduating class of that year, we find categories for best this and best that, most likely to do this or most likely to do that. What we never see is the truth about how our peers REALLY see us. Maybe it's time to do that...James Grissome...Most likely to be stabbed.
Sheila Merrill...Most likely to become a sperm-belching gutterslut.
Karen Praeger...Best back zits.
Bubba Fermer...Best tooth.
Gilbert Zunia...Most likely to become an ex-con.
Frank Glendon...Most likely to cheat on a blood test.
Jesse Jergens...Most beautiful eye.
Sherri Wallace...Best bras.
Sherman Simmons...Best lunch glutton.
Larry Duquesne...Best drive-by shooter.
Glenda DeCarlo...Most body hair.
Ernest Falco...Most likely to have a sex change operation.
Tim Langerston...Most ears.
Tammy Preston...Best beaver shot.
Will Garvey...Best dumpster diver.
Courtney Lasalle...Ugliest out-of-wedlock twins.
Daniel Thropp...Best noses.
I'm Biff Manard...and I was voted most likely to write something like this.
I was also voted, unanimously, "best buffalo shot."
Have a Bitchin' Summer,
Bruce Baum
Things You NEVER Have To Worry About...
I would like to express my gratitude to Kip Addotta for suggesting this category and for providing the first one.Having clown envy.
Cactus being too funny.
Crowd barriers in the Sahara.
Having to sell the Taj Mahal.
Winning the Indy 500.
Moving to Monaco.
Writing an Academy Award acceptance speech.
Insuring an original Rembrandt.
Divorcing Whoopi Goldberg.
Having too much gasoline.
Being reincarnated as a Zippo lighter.
Being attacked and bitten by a school of goldfish.
What to serve the Pope for lunch.
Time passing too slowly.
Becoming a porn star.
Having to drive a train in an emergency.
Making a hole in one at the British Open.
Getting too much sleep in a hospital.
Which fork to use when dining with Royalty.
I'm Biff Manard...and I'm still a borderline burn-out with questionable social skills.
Prostitution...
They say, whoever "they" are, that prostitution is the world's most ancient and dangerous profession. Dangerous? Ancient? What about soldiers? Is there a more older or more dangerous line of work? Soldiers invented whores for cryin' out loud! At least ONE did! It happened to be a black centurian, a former Nubian slave, by the name of Marcus Pimponius. And the rest followed.Dangerous? What about Show Horse Jumpers? (Ask Christopher Reeves) What about Indy race drivers? Or Nascar? What about power boats racing at 190 mph? What about downhill "no holds barred" skiing? What about shark boxing? Huh? What about getting into bed on the sly with the boss's wife or daughter?
What about running with the bulls in Pamplona? How about walking to a street market in downtown Baghdad? How about being a successful Harlem pimp and drug dealer? How about trying to free child sex slaves in Bangcock? Huh? I got your world's most dangerous profession...Right over here! I'm an internet writer. (Please don't show this to anyone! I'm tired of watching my back.)
I'm Biff Manard...and I'm quite mad.
Maybe even a little nutsoid?
I'm still your friend.
RIP
Richard Anthony
Public Service Announcement...
Hello, I'm Doctor James Clermer here to talk to you about America's number one male crippler: Smallcox. Smallcox is a dreaded affliction that can strike early in life and last a tormenting lifetime. And it can affect up to seven out of ten men! It's not unusual for the wife of a victim of this terrible condition to drive 300 miles just to get six inches away from home!Smallcox can, and often does, lead to insecurity both at home and at the workplace, or even during leisure activities. Reduced libido is a frequent result, both for the afflicted and his significant other. Feelings of guilt and shame are common along with frequent headaches and a fear of nudity.
While this situation is extremely grave, there is HELP thanks to the Clermer Smallcox Foundation. This unique organization offers comprehensive therapy in the form of minor surgery, stretching and enlarging, and most importantly, vital family counseling.
So please, donate your dollars today in the hopes that no man need be crippled by this calamitous disease. Please, give till it hurts! And help turn Smallcox back into Bigdix. Thank you.
I'm Biff Manard...and I'm one of the lucky ones.
Deer Santa,..
Deer Santa,I know its ony May but I want to git a hed start on Chrismas wen I know yer rilly bizzy. But I sure wud like some purty rooky chicks to mess up ther heds with sex an LSD.
Mabee some doonbuggys to. An plenny a pot to. Nives an guns wood be gud to. Yer a gud dude Santa an I bileeve in you sence I wuz a kid. Mary Crismas! I got meny plans an you kin hep me with em. Thanks a lot. You wont be sorry like some peepl.
Yers truly, Charles Manson
Monopoly...
I was a pretty good Monopoly player when I was a kid. I always insisted on having that little gun as my board piece. "Yeah, I'm on Boardwalk! Now gimme that house, bagel-belly! And I'll take that fancy race car too! Oh, and that thimble!"Using color Zerox I had tons of counterfeit Monopoly money which I used to bribe the Railroad and Utility companies. I always made sure I acquired Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues where I'd set up my protection and loan businesses, catching the suckers just as they passed "Go".
Next I always got hold of St. Charles Place, right next to the jail, where I'd set up my drug dealing and prostitution ring. In those days Atlantic Ave. and Marvin Gardens were nothing but lemon groves. Everybody thought I was crazy to put up hotels there. But what better place to launch my gambling and casino's operation! Man, it was sooo sweet! I'd always win and end up in a penthouse on Park Place! Read 'em an' weep, Jack.
I'm Biff Manard and I'm a borderline burn-out with questionable social skills.
I was born with a silver spoon so naturally I liked using that piece. I had a personal assistant that hired all my shakedown artists, grafters, boom boom, spies and muscle if and when I needed them. I owned what law there was besides the land and could make any I didnt have. Mostly I rode on the railroad when not on my yacht in some far off sea with my new harem on a two or three year cruise, a slow boat to China so to speak. If I got tired of any of the girls Id set them up for a decade or two in whatever they wanted to do and kept piling on the dough, fake or otherwise until the giggling began. No news was good news. The family was locked in tight and outta range.
Id get weekly reports by cable and Id send out directives. As long as my chump change account that anyone knew about and local holdings were rising I didnt care, the trusts, the Swiss accounts, the foundations, the slush funds, the several generations of solid entrenchment and international fortifications would take more than an army, a war and most disasters to dismantle.
I owned the most of the board and leased what didnt interest me. The banks called it a mortgage but it was all smoke and mirrors I owned the bank. If I needed anything it Id take it. I like playing the game and I always win and I dont mind having a few losers, it keeps the suckers coming.
I burned out long ago and Im looking forward to the next whatever . . .
PRPops
Questionable Careers..
When I was in college I went to see my guidance councilor who had the reputation of being the biggest stoner on campus. After I left with his career options, I was absolutely convinced of his rep's accuracy. Here's the list he gave me.Door to door suit critic.
Tuna towel salesman.
Free lance meteorologist.
Strip mall physicist.
Office water-cooler gossip monitor.
Homemade fruitcake judge.
Prison locksmith.
Orbiting satellite repairman.
Horseshoe straightener.
Octopus beak sharpener.
Pet food taster.
Braille baseball manufacturer.
Sand pounder.
Grape peeler.
I'm Biff Manard and I'm really sane.
A Variation On 2 Jews Go Into A Bar Joke.....
Two jews go into a bar...and lease it. It's cheaper.Two jews go into a bar and torch it for the insurance.
Two jews go into a bar...and leave with a penguin who gives great head.
Two jews go into a bar with two Irishman...and never come out.
Two jews go into a bar, get in a fight with two Palestinians who are drunk, end up on the floor with Palistinian testicles in their fists, and buy the bar again.
Two jews go into a bar...and fuck everybody in it. Especially the Palistinians.
Two jews go into a bar...and rename it "Mitzvah".
Two jews go into a bar...and do nine hours of schtick for the drunk goyem who love it and make them pay for all the drinks.
Two jews go into a bar...have a few drinks, and leave very quietly because they are wanted in eleven countries for espionage. I'm Biff Manard...and I'm quite mad.
I'm Biff Manard and I'm quite mad.
If two Jews fell on a florist and no one was around,
Would it still be funny?
I'm Bruce Baum and I'm quite glad.
The Phones...
I was stationed at Fort Benning, Georgia asssigned to assist a pompous, Jewish mess officer, a brand new 2nd lieutenant fresh from Officer Candidate School (OCS) at the newly constructed Ranger Facility located in the middle of nowhere at the armpit of the huge base.He sat his fat ass behind a desk in his office, so new that there was only the desk, two chairs and a telephone. He was bragging, as always, about how he'd screwed another new officer out of half his pay with a bogus bet.
Just then two privates carrying duffel bags approached his office. Before they entered he said to me "watch this!" And he picked up the phone just before they entered and saluted him. With a smarmy smile he said into the phone " Oh, yes General sir! It was a wonderful dinner! You have a lovely house and family! Yes sir, General...ok, Phil...yes I took one look at your lovely daughter and was immediately smitten! Well, sir, I mean Phil, (at this point he raised an index finger at the privates in a "gimme a minute" gesture.)
""Oh, I'd be delighted to be your houseguest for the weekend, sir! Thank you so much for inviting me! And please give my warmest regards and thanks to your lovely wife! I will, sir. And thank you again, Phil. Yes, sir! I'll see you Friday night at cocktail hour at your place! Thank you again! Goodbye, sir." And he replaced the reciever.
With a look of irritation he said to the soldiers "Yes, what is it? I'm very busy here!" The two privates looked briefly at eachother then one said "It's about your telephones, sir." The lieutenant said "Well, what about them, Private?!" The Private said "We're here to install them, sir."
That fat Lieutenant couldn't go anywhere on that base for the next year without running into those two men, who always saluted with a snicker. True story.
I'm Biff Manard and I'm quite mad.
PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATIO N BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR ANALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDE A WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
I'm Biff Manard and I'm quite mad.
Malibu Party Patrol...
In the hip haven of Malibu there is now, as part of the Malibu Police Department, a unique squad known as The Party Patrol. Outside a house party you will be stopped and ordered to do the following before being granted admittance, on New Years Eve:"Hello, sir. First put on this conical, metallic-red hat. Now sing Auld Lang Syne in D-flat minor. Now blow into this party noise maker."
(Here the officer will toss up confetti.) He will ask "How many colors?" The usual answer is "Red, yellow, green and blue."
He will say "You missed grey."
The usual reply is "Grey confetti?"
He will say "Yes. Left over from a Battle Ship launching."
Then he will give you the final test. He will hand you two identical glasses of liquor.
He will say "Taste these and tell me which is the vodka-soda-lime, and which is the gin and tonic-lime." If you are able to accurately determine which is which, he will say "Ok. You can go in." Other tests may follow as you leave, usually culminating in arrest.
I'm Biff Manard and I'm quite mad.
New Television Show...
(Announcer) "Welcome to Prime Time on CBS...And now, from that terrible place down below, Acquaribe Bottled Water proudly presents...'Live From Hell!' starring Joey Stalin! Joey's guests tonight include: Ghenghis Kahn! Adolph Hitler! Jeffrey Dahmer! Lucretia Borgia! Saddam Hussein! and the winner of the Charlie Manson look-alike contest! With musical guest Nero and his violin orchestra! And now, from the fiery shores of Hades...Joey Stalin!"(Joey trots out on a stage-set that is on fire.)
"Welcome to 'Live From Hell!' I'm Joey Stalin and what a show we have tonight! Ya know, eternity is a hell of a lot longer than I ever thought! But to spend it on fire! Jesus! I would wish this on every one of my worst enemies! I was talking to Adolph backstage in the Red Room and...
(To be continued...)
"I don't get told...I get asked."
I'm Biff Manard
It's a pleasure hearing from you my friend!! No shit!!
It's really F#%KED-OUT-HERE!!!!!
Well my friend, I don't think I have ever found life sooo difficult as I have found of late!
My Dear Friend Biff Manard, ...how do you spell whow, whooow...
Dear Bud...I almost don't know what to do?
It seems everywhere I turn, and everywhere I jump or move, is curtailed with a barrier, that no one in modern times has had to deal with!
FxCK!!
Bink...this planetary condition is so serious that I am thinking in Biblical Terms...NOT REALLY!!! ANYWAY...FUCK...
WE ARE IN DEEEEEEP SHEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (English Version 1.2)
I am solid, so no thinking that this Scorpio is anything but Stoic, with limited resources!
So I just wanted to say Dear Biff'
We need to reconnoiter and at least by phone determine computer bites.
ranthony152@sprintpcs.com
Regards my friend,
RA
American Cities That Are Famous For Obscure Reasons...
We all know that some cities are famed for things like "Groundhog Day", "Peach Festivals", "Oyster Capitol" etc. Here are some not too well known "Capitols" of things...Chittlin, Mississippi...Facial Mole Capitol of America.
Kern, Wisconsin...Hospital Mop Manufacturing Center of the U.S.
Bilgewater, Washington...Home of the National Rat Museum.
Purdue, Wyoming...Storage Capitol of the Free World.
Resnick, Florida...Genital Tattoo Center of America.
Gimmtruck, Texas...Dwarf Cattle Capitol of the Great Southwest.
Lobes, Iowa...Home of the Annual Big Ears Festival.
Grelbb, Alaska...The Gay Elk Capitol of America.
Hattie, Lousiana...Rubber Shirt Capitol of the U.S.
Luketon, Arkansas...Junkyard Front Lawn Center of the South.
Torres, California...Home of the Annual Miss Inflatable America Pageant.
Delta Vista, Oregon...Home of the World Famous Marijuana Salad.
Nuremton, Ohio...Peeping Tom Capitol of America.
I'm Biff Manard.
Stuff I've Noticed Lately...
I remember when solid Red ties were the power ties in D.C. Then it was solid blue. Now it's apparently Pink! What's up with that? It's no longer the tie of the Gay coalition. It's de rigueur for the campus pukes. What's next? Black leather suits?I remember when the phrase "Made In Japan" was a joke. Do you?
"In other news...three armed men showed up at the American Embassy in Beirut today..." All of them actually had Three arms.
Must be a slow day....I'm Biff Manard.
Things To Research Before Visiting A Foreign Country...
We all want to have a memorable experience when we return home after vacationing in another land. So it pays to do a little research before going. To ask a few questions that may enlighten our visit. Such as...Do the elevators run on time?
Is the food edible?
Is the water edible?
Are the hookers edible?
Do they have trees there?
Are they edible?
Is it acceptable to photograph strangers in bed in hotels?
Will I get my ass kicked if I complain about slow bar service?
Do they accept money there?
If I'm arrested will I be tortured and killed? Or just publicly ridiculed?
Can I wear women's clothes in churches?
Will I get my ass kicked for using a cell phone?
Will I get spit on if I ask for directions?
What is the country's attitude concerning public nudity?
Will I be shot for not being able to speak the language?
Ask, my friends. Ask.
I'm Biff Manard.
The Price Is Wrong...
Forever "The Price Is Right" television show remained, along with "Jeopardy", as the most successful game show in history. That's when the charming, sartorial, charismatic Bob Barker hosted it. Now it's degenerated into a lousy facsimile of it's once great self hosted by none other than Drew Cary.This "guy". Who IS this man? He giggles like a girl, dresses like a dump truck, and exudes all of the enthusiasm of the shipping news. He's gotta be a Mason. That's the only explanation feasible for this jerk's success! He stole his persona from Kip Addotta, leaned heavily on the pseudo-talents of hangers-on wannabe's, and apparently kissed the keesters of countless power-people to get where he is.
If talent was paint it wouldn't cover a small porch! This guy belongs on the side of an obscure interstate selling fried chicken wearing big hair and clunky jewelry. Bob Barker....come back! PLEASE! I'll personally have everybody's pet spayed or neutered!
I'm Biff Manard
Invitations To Hook UP For A Drink...
There are many and diverse ways to invite someone (male or female) to come along and have a drink when the sun is over the yardarm and it's the end of a long day... Here are some I particularly like..."Let's go grab a couple of dust cutters."
"What say we hoist a few?"
"C'mon, girl, let's strap one on!"
I wanna tilt a few healthy bumpers. C'mon, man."
Let's go out and stack a few."
"Hey, man! You an' me are gonna suck down some busthead, now!"
"How 'bout we get us a couple a daybreakers?"
"A couple a road dogs."
"Come on. Let's go water the ponies, woman."
"I don't know 'bout you, but I could use a little cup-shot."
"Time for a sundowner. Maybe two."
"I'd admire to swallow a little horn of the ox that gored me last night!"
"Let's put a little butane in the burner."
"I could use a taste of Attitude Helper, how about you?"
"You know. Trickle some down."
"What do you say we just go for the groceries? Piss off a bartender."
Biff's Advice Forum:
The best way to get back at a slow bartender or waitress...withhold sex. They hate that.I'm Biff Manard.
Stupid Or Clever Things?..
Stupid Things I've Said That I Thought Were Clever...Or Clever Things I've Said That People Thought Were Stupid...Since Iv'e been a comedian in the past, I naturally look at the funny side of life and the world. Sometimes I'll say things to total strangers just to test their sense of humor. Like one time I walked up to the service window at a gas station after parking my truck at the pump. The zit-faced teen who was on duty said "Help you?" I pulled out a wad of cash and said "Yeah, I'd like to make a down payment on a gallon of gas." He didn't get it.
I was in the supermarket shopping and passed a woman with a cart full of groceries, and a small child riding in the basket. I said "Iv'e looked all over the store and I can't find the aisle that the little kids are on. Do you know where it is?" She grinned and said "Yeah. Aisle five right above the Pampers, there's hundreds of 'em."
Once in a small town I was passing through I stopped at a roadside strawberry stand. The old farmer just looked at me and said nothing. I picked up a carton of his fruit and said, after looking at the sky, "Nice weather for a town of this size." "She gets worse the closer you get to the city." He drawled.
I was asked by a guy in an airport in Kansas if I knew what time it was. I said "No, sorry, I'm not from around here." He looked at me like I was from Saturn. Which is ridiculous because I'm from Neptune.
When CB radios were popular I was driving through Texas in a thick fog and contacted a trucker on it. I asked how far the city of Austin was from where we were. He said "It ain't far. Jes' keep drivin East." I clicked on again and asked "With this fog how will I know when I'm getting close?" He came back and said "If yer like me you'll be hittin' more people."
I'm Biff Manard.
Business Cards...
As we've been introduced to someone on a business or social occasion it is common practice for someone to ask "do you have a card?" As we will also ask. When cards are exchanged and glanced at we all appreciate the artistic layout of it, or lack thereof and,most importantly, the description of the persons job who handed it to us. We all applaud cleverness and humor, even on a business card. Here are some examples of cards that garnered my interest...
Alan Bursky
Bridgeburner
Jim Pate
Lover of Wrong Women
Otis McClellan
Black & Blues Artist
Frank Odessio
Other Shoe Dropper
Lance Jordan
Chief Condom Tester
Rakim"Lefty" Markanian
One Armed Paper Hanger
Bubba Jennerette
Civil Wrongs Advocate
Germaine Lafleur
Shoe Clerk Assassin
Peggy O'Shea
Irish Liar
Wally Whitcomb
Bar Brawler & Taxidermist
Bob "Wrongway" Thibideaux Bush Pilot
Carol Sussex Whimpole
Low Rent English Whore & Nanny
Another Great Pick Up Line In A Bar:
"You know, just before you sat down, I swear to God that barstool smiled!"
Non-People Celebrities...
It seems as though most everyone enjoys and appreciates celebrities. Say Tiger Woods, for instance. Johnny Carson. Clint Eastwood. But there are some people who enjoy the perks of celebrity status who deserve it about as much as a Burger King clerk. Such as...Mr. Blackwell.
Pauley Shore.
Britney Spears.
Paris Hilton.
Roseanne Barr.
George Hamilton.
Hillary Clinton.
Rev. Al Sharpton.
Don King.
Rush Limbaugh.
Howard Stern.
Pope Benedict.
Camilla What'ser Name.
Joan Rivers.
Richard Simmons.
Cedric The Entertainer.
Jerry Springer.
Dr. Phill.
Maury Povitch.
The "I Love You, Man" Man.
Another Great Pick-up Line At A Bar
"Well, here I am! What's your other two wishes?"
The Power of Slogans..
Successful businesses, big and small, sports, places to visit and public services become well known by two means: frequency of advertising and the cleverness of attention-getting slogans. As we all know, some are unforgettable like "This Bud's For You." Then there are those not so unforgettable. Such as..."Join the L.A.P.D. We Aim To Please, But We Shoot To Kill."
"United Hookers...We Deliver!"
"Enemas on Wheels...If We're Not There In Five Minutes,Your Crap's On Us!"
"Horny? Try Nancy's Nookie Nest! More Bang For Your Buck!"
"Universal Rule Writers Associates...If You're Wrong, We'll Make You Right!"
"American Well Diggers Union...How Deep Do You Want Your Hole?"
"National Wedding Chapels Guild, Where the Customer Is Always Wrong."
"Lingston's Baked Beans...You'll Fart So Much Better!"
"Jacoby & Johnson Legal Services. Keepin' yo ethnic ass on da street fo' fitty years!"
"Excitement! Unpredictability! Intrigue! Lebanon! It's Bloody Beautiful!
"The Yoga Institute. Stretch This!"
" International House of Pies...Had A Good Piece Lately?"
Best Opening Line at a Bar Dept
"C'mon. Let's Go."
Thanking Kip..
Dear cyberfriends, I want you to know that I am able to put up my contributions on my site thanks to one man. Kip Addotta. He's not only my best friend but an excellent advisor and mentor without whose encouragement I would not even have a page on the internet.I wish to thank him publicly for his hard work on my behalf, for teaching me (with great patience, I might add) the rudimentary and necessary skills for cyberspace communication, and his unflagging support for what and how I write.
Never have I met a human being with more rock-bottom common sense than Kip Addotta. For all his many faults (and who amongst us doesn't have them?) he's still The Guy to whom I turn for advice, counsel and a free shot of Jack Daniels. Thank you, Kip! And thank you for my page which is beautiful, efficient and so well presented! Thanks. Biff Manard
Graffitti of the Day
(written on a mens room stall) My mother made me a homosexual.(below that was written) Well, if I give her the yarn will she make me one?
Nothing to Write About..
For the first time in a long time I find I have nothing to write about. I hate that! You'd think that with this whole wide world in your face every day, there'd be something. Anything. To consider writing about. But noooo!Like the pet owner who let his dog take a dump in the pool. Or the waterhead who locked both doors to the fitness center in my building, broke off a key in the keyhole so that the maintenance supervisor would be denied access to it and put the treadmills on warp speed so that, by morning, they were actually smoking!
I tell you. You will never see a headline in any of the nations daily newspapers that reads "Great Jerk Shortage Continues!" Not a chance. Because, as every city knows, there are more jerks per capita than any other human being. Why? I, like you, haven't a clue. I just know, like you, that it's true.
Turn left right in front of me when I have the right of way ass-breath! Go home and beat your wife and kids. Steal something from your neighbors or your friends. Piss on a tombstone.
Make our day, ya jerks!
Comment of the Day
I was going to the lost and found, but I got lost and couldn't find it.
Attention Cyberfriends..
Listen! The time has come after, lo, these many years of electronic communications, to finally alter the rules and protocols of cyber-talk.There are still many of you who have their delicate sensibilities offended by the use of expletives or capitalised print (cyber-yell) in emails. Get PAST it!
As an American patriot once said regarding free speech: "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!" For those out there who would disclaim this I say "move on, move up or move over!"
For, once again, the times they are a'changin'. Free Speech Now!
Remember...the people in charge are US! Soon this will be the shot heard 'round the world. I welcome your responses and comments.
Biff Manard
Thought for the Day
"I don't worry 'bout a thing 'cause I know nothin's gonna be alright."Mose Allison
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)
"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan . Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built A merica .
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told tha t the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
Patrice Walker
Questionable Things To Recycle..
Everyone knows that recycling is good for our planet. Things can be used over and over again, often in a different form than was originally manufactured. But there are some things that have a questionable value to the recycling process. Some things that are better left unrecycled. Such as:Soup.
Used meat.
Sweat.
Cobwebs.
Dust.
Hospital mops.
Ashes.
Nose hair.
Cat clippings.
Scabs.
Road kill.
Squirrel poop.
Toothpaste.
Pudding.
Used hypodermic needles.
Windshield bug splatter.
Ink.
Used bandages.
Toe jam.
Question of the Day
Can "ambidextrous" apply to feet?
Stupid Dog Breeds..
Dogs are a huge part of our existence. We embrace, love, spoil and use them, and have for centuries. But dog breeding has not been lost to the explosion of technology and innovation in creating newer and better(?) animals. Here are some examples of modern dogs that, perhaps, would have been better not invented and bred.The Belgian Loudmouth
The Diamond-back Dachsund
The Kenyan Lion Herder
The Mediocre Dane
The Web-footed Chihuaha
The Seal Retriever
The HIV Positive Blood Hound
The Hairless Collie
The Pitcow
The Italian Wiseguy Spaniel
The East Indian Cobra Pointer
The Porkshire Terrier
The Porcupine Bulldog
Question of the Day..
Can you snort lentils?
What Women Love..
Women, God bless them, love a lot of things. They love to have fun, they love to shop, they love money (as we all do). They love security, they love clothes, they love harmony, they love flowers, animals, chocolate and jewelry.They love to play games and to win them. They love to walk barefoot on the beach at sunset. Women love romance and music and candles and good food. They love wine. They love tenderness and vulnerability, and sometimes knock-down, drag 'em through the grass, hardcore-make-me-write-bad-checks sex.
But what women love the absolute most...is excitement. And what excites women most is... mystery. Let her read your book one page at a time. If she reads the last page of an open book, it's over! She'll go out and buy herself a new book, and ask you for the money to buy it.
That's some but, of course not all, that women love...and I'm Biff Manard.
The Further Adventures of Biff Manard..
Traveling the world, I've been in a lot of situations. Some good, some great, some not so good or great. For instance...While working in Colombia, one night after exiting a cantina, I was kidnapped by the "Samba Slaves", thrown into an underground dungeon, naked, for seven days and was force fed raw monkey brains by a beautiful and talented, red haired young woman named Angela. I'll never eat that again!
Once, in a case of mistaken identity, I was hotly pursued by the Austrian police and had little choice but to escape via the sewers beneath Vienna, where my traveling companion and fellow American compatriot, Harry Lime, was fatally shot, leaving me to make my way, with the welcome assistance of Algerian diamond smugglers to the Isle of Capri and joined the company of a wanted Hungarian countess named Hodia, who I later lived with briefly in a small villa above the bay.
Like I said...some were great and some weren't...stay tuned.
Biff Manard
Here's What I Think..
That receiving a bill is a compliment. It reflects my ability to pay it.That fat chicks should never wear short sleeves, short pants or spandex.
That fine chicks shouldn't look at the rest of us as if we were crap on a biscuit. We all have something to offer.
That people who talk on cellphones in traffic are the worst kind of moron.
That anyone who talks on a cellphone in anywhere public that intrudes on the harmony of others is a Neanderthal.
That bald men should not wear goatees.
That Oprah is a commercial interrupted by a show.
That no one anywhere should ever get a tattoo or a piercing.
That parents should release their children when they are old enough.
That the term "unconditional love" is redundant.
That people are basically good.
That television is a cultural desert.
That police and firefighters are on our side, and we should honor them as we honor our troops.
That religion and churches are a business.
That all politicians are nothing more than self-serving individuals who seek only power.
I'm Biff Manard and that's what I think.
More Questions You Don't Want To Be Asked Or Ever Have To Answer..
"Jeez! I'm so sorry! How old would he have been?""Do you smell different naked?"
"Can you believe we're eating this?"
"Is this your gun?"
"You're a female am I correct?"
"So, what are you doing after the funeral?"
"I hope you're not afraid of the dark...you CAN swim right?"
"Are those your real feet?"
"Is that your dirty underwear in my mailbox?"
"Why wasn't that tiger on a leash?"
"Well, I hope you're still a virgin! You are aren't you?"
"Y'ever gone faster than 120, like now?"
"You ever thought about aluminum siding?"
"You know just where the hell you can put that thing?"
"By the way, how're you fixed for Insurance?"
You know I have a FOOT FETISH so what exactly were you thinking? ("Are those your real feet?")
By the way I have an interview on Monday that may pan-out...if your interested!
Anyway...how are you my BUD!!?
Richard
The Furniture Store
(Bogart's voice)It was a long, lonely, cold, rainy Thursday night. And I'll never forget it because it was long and it was lonely and it was cold and it was raining and it was Thursday. It was my first night as manager of the furniture store. I turned to my assistant, and asked " What's in the front window, Sam?"
"The credenza, Mr. Rick." He answered.
"I thought I told you I wanted the dinette set in the window, Sam!"
Sam replied "Uh, I displayed that earlier, Mr. Rick."
"Well, display it again, Sam. If she can look at it so can I."
music@pourinrain.com
Traveling... Italian Style
I must have nodded off because suddenly I was jolted awake by the lurching of the train as we pulled into Florence, Italy. I pulled up the sleeve of my Burburry and glanced at the Piaget. Sure enough, I'd slept most of the way from Rome. The hobnailed boots of indiscretion's marathon dancer were pounding out a rowdy two-step across the terra-cotta of my consciousness so I dry swallowed a couple of Alleve and felt better almost immediately.I'd first met her in Milan where she worked as a runway model and was looking forward to a luscious reunion at our favorite trattoria "Vincenzo's" downstairs from the, larger than life replica statue of David that dominated the piazza above. I was apparently early for she was nowhere to be seen in the small, dark ristorante. "Ah, Mr. Biff! A pleasure to see you again, signore!" the impeccable Marcello smiled. "Grazie, Marcello. Buono notte!" I smiled back.
"Your usual table, signore?", "Si, per favore, Marcello." He led me to a corner table from which I could survey the entire room including the entrance. I like to have a wall at my back, it's just how I am. "The signorina called and said she regretted not being able to join you for dinner, but would see you in your suite at the penzione later tonight." I was disappointed but looked forward to what lay ahead. No pun intended. So I ordered the veal with truffle sauce and a side of linguini with clams and a bottle of chilled house white. So excellent!
The meal was fabulous as always with only two interruptions for quick autographs and a picture with an Englishman's wife who insisted upon sitting on my knee. At least she was young and voluptuous. Marcello accepted my lavish tip.
On the walk back to my hotel I enjoyed the air as it was balmy for Florence for early May.
I stopped at a flower shop and picked out a bouquet of yellow Holland tulips, her favorites, lit a Cohiba and proceeded to my rendezvous with Appollonia. More of that night another time...
Down Home Logic
As I continued my Southern tour with Gallagher, I got invitations to pursue the local's pastimes. After a show one night in Dothan, Alabama I was invited to go duck hunting the following morning. I accepted and showed up at a funky little boat landing with Jim and his brother, Mike, very early the next day. They had a small skiff with an outboard motor, several shotguns, and a case of beer along with a dog, a golden retriever named Bogart. We motored out on a lake and stopped at a spot surrounded by very tall reeds. As the morning wore on and the sun came out along with several decoys, we started in on the beer and a breakfast of ham and onion sandwiches. We told lies and jokes, about women mostly, and still hadn't seen a duck by noon. Hours passed. We fed Bogart, drank beer, pissed in the lake, drank more beer until the sun was starting to go down. Finally Mike said "I never seen the likes Bee-iff! Jim, we ain't seen a single duck all damn day!" I said "Well, what'ya figger we oughta do, Jim?' Talking just like them, I did. Ol' Jim he takes a long look around kind of ponderin' and finally says "Oney one thing TO do. Mike, let's try throwin' the dog a little higher!" Like I said...they know stuff down there.Question of the Day
Can you be arrested for loitering with intent to gawk?
Down Home Logic
The best way to get to know a town or city is to walk through it. I was touring the deep South with Gallagher playing 4 to 5000 seat convention centers every night. We were in Columbus, Georgia for three days and I was his opening act. During the day I'd walk through the neighborhoods around the convention center and got to know some very memorable characters.As I was passing a house one day, I could see two older men passing a jug on the porch. I stopped to listen to what they were talking about. One man, Ernie I later found out, said to Dan'l "Well, I tell ya, we got to make us some money, an' I mean yesterday!" Ol' Dan'l asked "How y'figger t'do that, Ernie?"
"Well, how 'bout we hold us a raffle?" Dan'l says "What we gonna raffle off?" "How 'bout Ed Johnson's white horse?" Ernie replied. Dan'l said "Well, that horse is dead!" Ernie was quick. "Well, I know that an' you know that but ain't nobody else knows..."
I walked on but returned two days later, this time going up on their porch because they'd seen our show and now we were old friends. "Howdy, Bee-iff!" Says Ernie. They pronounce my name in two syllables down home. I said my hello's, took a suck out of the offered jug and asked "How'd that raffle turn out, guys?"
Ol' Dan'l chuckles and Ernie says "She turned out real good! We sold 500 tickets fer a dollar apiece, oney had one complaint, that was from th' ol' boy who won so we give him his money back."
They know stuff down home!
Question of the Day
Why doesn't anyone ever say "And, that's all HE wrote?"
My Lunch With Shelley Winters..
|
In a side room off the counter area, I saw Shelley Winters sitting with her agent at a two-top table. I said to Freddie and Tim "watch this." I boldly walked over to their table and said to her, "Miss Winters, I've been a great admirer of you and your work for some time. My name is Biff Manard, I'm an actor too, and I'd like for you to have my autograph."
She smiled at the refreshing newness of this silly approach and said "How nice! Please sign my napkin! I'll treasure it always!" So I did. "To Shelley, best fond wishes always, Biff." "Thank you so much, young man!" She smiled again. I continued "I'd love to be able to say that I bought Shelley Winters lunch at Schwabbs drugstore in Hollywood, would you allow me?"
Still smiling she replied "How gallant! Of course you can buy me lunch, Bill." "Thank you so much, Shelly. Now, when I go to pay at the cashier for my own lunch, I'll tell her that I'm also paying for you and I'll wave. You wave back so she'll know it's really for you, o.k.?"
She agreed and I thanked her again and went back to the counter. Freddie asked "What the hell was that all about, mang?" I told him he'd find out when we left. We finished lunch (separate checks, of course) and proceeded to the cashier. I handed my considerable tab to her and said "Shelley Winters is buying me lunch." and waved at Shelley, who enthusiastically waved back smiling her movie star smile. The cashier said "Fine, sir. She's a very generous person!" "Ain't that the truth" I said over my shoulder to her as Freddie and Tim howled in amazement as we left.
And that was my lunch with Shelley Winters...
Question of the Day
What the hell is a 'gander'?
Being back
He's Back!...After a long ordeal and heaven-sent miraculous recovery, I once again shall attempt to share a tiny piece of my remaining wit, dear friends...
Here Are Some Things You Never, Ever Want To Hear Someone Say To You...
"Take off all your clothes or I'LL kill you."
"Put on all your clothes or I'LL kill you."
"I say we go over the top, men! And their machine guns be damned!"
"You have great legs, from one boy to another..."
"Hell yeah, I did it w'it her! Right after y'all was married!"
"You call this a truck? A real truck could survive a train collision like this! Hey, that leg looks pretty bad."
"How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?"
"Don't you ever darken my towel again!"
"Sorry about the damage to your 'wedding tackle', sir. This is going to hurt a little bit."
"You there! More wine and fresh hookers for my men!"
"Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way."
"Boy, look over there. Yours is really fat!"
Question of the Day
If there really are five women for every man in America, where are my five?
Biff Manard's Miracle
Many days have passed since Mr. Biff Manard's massive and complicated, seven hour, surgery to reattach his severed left arm, left breast, left genital and to treat lacerations along the length of Mr. Bitchin's left leg.Doctors told us that reattaching his left arm went well, but, that they won't be sure of the outcome for weeks.
Biff's left genital was reattached successfully and for the first time, it will be the shorter of the two.
His left breast was a bit more complicated. They saved the nipple but had to use skin tissue from his ass for the rest. Then, they stuffed jell implants in to replace lost muscle tissue.
As you may know, after finishing a film in Rome, Mr. Manard was taking a holiday to London. It was there that he was involved in a car accident, in which, he lost control of his Mini Cooper and was catapulted through the front of The Hog's Jaws Tavern, on Boiler Rd. at Sussex on Stratford, England. Upon hearing this, I joked that this was the first time Biff Manard had been thrown 'into' a bar!
The rental car company (Kings Livery) may be liable because investigators found that the brake line to the left front binder had been deliberately cut. Rumors have surfaced that Manard had a dalliance with the movie director's wife. I find this hard to believe knowing that Biff Manard is a person of high moral character.
This was my first visit to the hospital. I had walked into the room to find Alan Bursky rifling through Biff's wallet. Bursky said that he was making sure that Biff had enough money for cigarettes, but, found the wallet empty. Suspicious!
We are in a dimly lit recovery room, in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) of Cedars Sinai Hospital. I am standing at the foot of his bed, holding a bouquet of gardenias that I had purchased to cheer Biff up. Gardenias are Biff's favorite flower and their sweet odor was a relief from the stench that emanated from Biff's fouled bedding.
The seven hour surgery, to repair Biff's wounds, had taken their toll! Biff Manard will never again play the accordion. An instrument he studied while at "Our Lady of Spain" high school, in San Diego!
Biff opens his eyes and uttered his first words. "Take me to Lourdes!"
Many people go to visit the Shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes and take away Lourdes water and people have been healed of all kinds of illnesses when they visited the shrine at Lourdes and either drank the water or bathed in it.
I thought that this was Biff's last and best hope so (after long nagotiations) I convinced Alan Bursky to give us a ride to the airport, for forty dollars. We had to stop at the bank on our way because Bursky wouldn't take a check!
After a long and arduous journey we arrived in Lourdes, France at four in the morning of the next day. And, even though it was a thirteen mile cab ride to the shrine, Biff wanted to crawl the entire distance on his hand and knees as penance for his sins. We came to a compromise that Biff would crawl and I would follow along beside him in a taxi. The taxi driver was an affable fellow and we had a lovely talk along the way and he only ran over Biff's fingers once.
Arriving at the shrine, Biff, immediately, plunged into the sacred pool. Minutes passed as the taxi driver and I skipped stones across the pool while watching bubbles float to the surface along with several bandages.
Many minutes passed and I knew that Biff Manard was now drowned and lying, lifeless, at the bottom of the pool. But, in the mean time the taxi driver had broken out a checker board and we played five games, sipped Pernod from his flask and had a lovely time sharing dirty jokes.
Suddenly, there the sound of turbulence coming from the, holy, pool. An upheaval of water and debris boiled and rolled. I put down the flask and jumped three of the driver's pieces and won the game, two out of three.
Then, to our amazement, Biff's head appeared on the surface of the pool. Then, his shoulders. Then, his torso. Biff slowly stepped from the pool and joined us at our table. He was completely healed. Not only that, but, he had found three gold coines, was wearing a tuxedo and speaking fluent Farsi!
We wanted to celebrate, but, the flask was empty so we broke into the chapel and stole a bottle of red altar wine.
Our flight home was uneventful and upon our arrival, in Los Angeles, Biff wanted to eat so we went to Norm's and had steak and eggs!
This story reminds us all that friends are hard to find and that we should not lose track of them even if they are Biff Manard.
I am
Kip Addotta
espcially when you only have a thousand words to tell it.
billb
This is sort of like the Chanukah miracle...where the shit was only supposed to last one day and it went on for eight!!!
Steven
Kip..
As I opened my eyes today, in my hospital room, some several days after the accident, in LondonI'm told, I was confused and totally disoriented as to where I was. And about how much time had passed. What I was doing in England I still have no idea but I'm positive that it involved a dame.
It always involves a dame. The kind who expects you to dress for dinner and then kicks you in the guts after you fall for her. Anyway,
I looked up with my good eye to see my nurse, Lataika, a beautiful, if hefty, black woman, and asked "How am I doing?" She raised the blinds allowing hurt-your-eye sunlight into the room and said flippantly "Y'surgery went well. They done reattached ev'ything an' y'all goin' be fine. We be concerned 'bout y'alls attitude though."
I croaked "What attitude?"
She said "Y'all seem to've lost y'sense of humor."
I said "Well, maybe I should just go suck on a hospital mop, then..."
She said "You done did that...twice."
More when I feel like it...
Victum
Biff Manard
ps. How come nobody's contacted you or me? Doesn't anybody give a flying flip about me!
I've with you man, I just can't wait to see where this is going........... Butt, at the other end; I'll be there panting for you.
billb
WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
LOVE,
CALLIE
Rip (not RIP)
"Manard's struggle back to life"
I would like to thank all of you who have sent your regards to my friend Biff Manard.This morning, Biff opened his eyes and uttered the first words, since his accident in London. His nurses told me that the first thing he said was, "Kip! Where is Kip Addotta?" He went on to ask if she had noticed that he is well hung and that she could touch it if she wanted to because he couldn't reach it. Typical Biff!
A representative of Cedars Sinai Hospital called me and said that he was asking for me. And that I should come as soon as possible. I would go immediately to be by his side, if it was possible, but I have a Dixie Cup commercial audition today!
His nurse went on to say that Biff is doing well, under the circumstances and is showing signs of slight recovery! One of the few parts of his body that is still working is his right index finger and when he noticed this he immediately asked for a keyboard. Through all his physical problems he still has a sense of humor and wanted to send all of his fans a joke.
From the quivering finger of Biff Manard, here it is:
"Two Jews walk into a bar and ask for a morphine drip.
The bartender said, "He's in the back!"
The two Jews were never seen again!"
I admire Biff Manard for this noble attempt at humor! It's not the best joke in the world, but, he's in there pitching and that's what counts!
We can all continue our prayers in the hope that he will soon be sending us the great thoughts we have come to expect from him.
I am
Kip Addotta
You truly must have an amazing relationship with this man Biff - for you to "joke" around with such a serious situation and tragic accident.
You must know him so well. I am truly envious of such a relationship - where you know that "lightening up the serverity of the situation" - is just what the patient needed. WOW!!!! Through humor comes compassion.
What a concept!!! I am truly humbled by your wisdom and deep and caring love for this poor man. He is so lucky to have someone like you in his life and right there in his corner cheering him on.
My healing thoughts are with both of you tonight.
Richard Anthony
Kip
I forget, who's Biff again? Also did you get that commercial or is that still open and who do you have to blow to get me an audition? And...? Never mind I'll do it.
By the way I was doing that Jew joke back in ''79 or earlier but you're right it sucks and he can have it. In addition he's not that well hung. He tried that joke on me but I didn't fall for it twice.
P.S. I don't think she was a real RN or she would have given him an enema or catheter or something that hurts that it isn't covered by insurance.
Plus he doesn't have insurance.
Also I'm glad to hear he's okay or at least somewhat like he was.
P.S. Please let me know if he gets in a coma or brain dead or anything because I got some shit in Ecuador that'll bring his ass back, Baby. Or we could just split his jokes and act like nothing ever happened. Lemme kno...
P.S. If this is Biff's copy just act like I was talking about
Kip, thanks again,
Kip
Richard Anthony
I thank you for all the updates on poor Biff's condition.
I have yet to shed a single tear as I have been suffering from dehydration as of late.
I called Cedars Sinai and was told that Manard was scheduled for Sex reassignment surgery (SRS) in the morning. Apparently, they have a young Little League pitcher from Louisiana who had an unfortunate accident and is in need of a new pitching arm. Serendipitous or what?
As usual, Manard heard that joke once before and has repeated it wrong. It goes like this:
"Two heroin addicts walked into a bar and asked for a Jew".
The bartender says, "we don't serve Jews here".
The two addicts were never seen again!
I look forward to more updates. I wonder what name he will choose after the SRS?
best,
Michael Carter
Also did you get that commercial or is that still open and who do you have to blow to get me an audition? And...? Never mind I'll do it.
By the way I was doing that Jew joke back in ''79 or earlier but you're right it sucks and he can have it.
In addition he's not that well hung. He tried that joke on me but I didn't fall for it twice.
P.S. I don't think she was a real RN or she would have given him an enema or catheter or something that hurts that it isn't covered by insurance.
Plus he doesn't have insurance. Also I'm glad to hear he's okay or at least somewhat like he was.
P.S. Please let me know if he gets in a coma or brain dead or anything because I got some shit in Ecuador that'll bring his ass back, Baby.
Or we could just split his jokes and act like nothing ever happened. Lemme kno...
Love, J P.S. If this is Biff's copy just act like I was talking about Kip,
thanks again,
Amazing weight loss stories here:
I've always had trouble with my weight ever since I was young.
Of course I tried all the "best" fat loss products, nothing helped very much. It wasn't til I tried Anatrim that I saw the pounds seriously start to melt away! Nothing helped me lose weight faster.
I literally saw 15 pounds melt away within the first few weeks! There's nothing more exciting than watching pounds disappear, especially when you've tried all sorts of different methods and products before.
I've since read up on Anatrim and am amazed at the number of people who have benefited from its amazing results. I'm halfway to my goal, Anatrim will get me the rest of the way ;)
Luciano Williams
Callie's E-mail is down ( for a few hours) so he asked me to send you his e-mail address that you asked him for last night..... it is mcallie@cox.net
Are you okay? Bursky said that Kip said you were in some kind of an accident.
I hope all is well.... Let us know.
Thanks, Bob Levy
Sorry to hear about your terrible ordeal.
Hope you recover quickly.
We'll be praying for you.
I was out having a few cocktails last night when a priest, a guru, and mullah walk into the bar and two Jews laughed.
No joke. I was one of those Jews.
And, Biff, look on the bright side -- as long as you can still wiggle that index finger you can make women happy.
I'll be by to visit soon -
Your Buddy
"Seven hours under the knife"
Biff Manard lies motionless in his room at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, in West Hollywood, Ca.. The sounds of several apparatie click, chirp and beep, as a respirator heaves, in the background, iin, oout, iin, oout.Actor, writer, comedian, Biff Manard, lies unconcious in a dimly lit recovery room at Cedars Sinai Medical Center. This morning's seven hour surgery, to repair wounds suffered in a London car crash, last night! ("Biff Manard in tragic auto accident")
Five hours have passed since Mr. Manard's massive and complicated surgery to reattach a severed left arm, left breast and left genital. And, to treat lacerations along the length of Mr. Bitchin's left leg.
Doctors, Jeffery Goodman, Robert Davidson and Barry Unger were still perspiring when they told us that reattaching his left arm went well, but, we won't be sure about that for weeks. Biff's left genital was reattached without incident; they saved his left nipple but had to use skin tissue from his bum to do the rest, Then they stuffed some jell in to replace lost muscle tissue.
Our hopes are in the hands of the Lord.
I am
Kip Addotta
Question of the day
Who can we get to fill in for Biff?
For those of who may wish to know, Kip Addotta is a festering boil on the scrotum of a syphllitic leper. He has all of the allure of a tub of used bandages on the fetid stoop of a third world backstreet. He is a crap eating bottlefly crawling on the gelatinous thigh of a snoring Peruvian whore.
Biff Manard, Righter.
What sophomoric would-be-scribe could possibly venture to publish everything but contrary insults?
Hail to the chump!
Let's replace Biff with sorry you!
Oh wait, not a joke.
My prayers are with Bill.
-Amanda
Brian
How do I know everything else is true?
Questioningly,
Can't trust those hebejebes!
Richard Anthony
I just talked to Biff before Thanksgiving? Signed an old flame,Michelle
When did he travel to England? He said nothing about it to me. I am very concerned.
It was March, I'm sure of that but he was dressed for July or France. We talked, we walked, we held ourselves back. I'm sorry about his left side getting all FU'ed and stuff but I hope he won't be all right.
If there is anything I can do, anything at all... please call 1-900-555-1212 and leave a long message.
Ultra sincerely,
This sure would suck, since I just heard from you (him) & his birthday was Monday (or yours, if this is Biff & this isn't from Kip.) Now I'm
Confused.
I mean, come on man, a head on collision could easily result in such brutally strategic injuries.
Telling people Happy Birthday scares me now.
A pub eh?
Gus
If it's true... this is terrible. If it's not... Good Lord, I hope he'll recover.
Gus
And...you know,
Kip's Kip Brian
Kip edited and rewrote my daily on Monday the 26th.
I couldn't stand that! When I complained via email and telephone he told me to go fuck myself and proceeded to manufacture a cyber "accident" so that I would discontinue offering my daily wit.
Is this a Napoleonic power freak button pusher or what?! This is, obviously, his attempt to WIN. What there is to win...I don't know. I only know that power-lust is a weed that grows only in the barren canyons of an abandoned mind.
Biff Manard, Righter.
Please forward this to every contact that you have!
Justice rules!
I am very concerned... Please write me back so I know you are not in the hospital... you did not tell me you where going to England...
Kitten
"Biff Manard in Tragic accident"
I regret to inform you that while traveling through Europe, my friend, Biff Manard, has been involved in the worst sort of car accident. News sources say that he, apparently, lost control of the Mini Cooper he was driving and was catapulted through the front of a tavern on Boiler Rd. in Sussex, on Stratford, England.Pardon the joke, but, I think this is the first time Biff Manard has ever been thrown 'into' a bar!.. Sorry!
Mr. Manard is currently in air transit, back to L.A. and will be rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital, in West Hollywood, CA., where he will undergo sugary to re-attach his left arm, left breast and left genital.
A spokesman for Mr. Manard reports that without luck he'll be all right!
Mr. Manard will arrive, this evening, at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, in West Hollywood, CA. where he will be registered under an assumed name.
Please send all inquiries to Cedars-Sinai Hospital, South Tower, room 6424!
Hoping for the best!
I am
Kip Addotta
Question of the day
Will Binky be alright
This fabricated tale perpetrated by the Primaddotta is nothing more than a shovel-full of bull flop. Like a bad soap opera plot, his intention here is to kill me off so that he can continue to pursue his questionable ambition of ruling cyberspace. This guy gives the term "jerk" a bad name. How desperate can a man be?! Biff Manard, Righter.
Advertisement
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Win any verbal fencing match! Beat your contrary opponent into the intellectual dust! Yes metaphors and adjectives CAN kill! Just ask Kip. Tired of losing discussions? Tired of backyard logic and front porch brow beatings? Then take action! Take charge! Take Kip Addotta's "NebAwrong" today and get ready to mow 'em down, clown! Because you're right! All the time! Now available at a street pharmacy near him.
Caution---Results may vary with height.
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And be sure to try Kip's new breakthrough party conversation enhancer,"Pompous Ass" now also in pill form.
You want to get into a war of written wit, Kip? Turn your wolf loose! Bring it on you p.o.s.! (Knowing you, you'll probably just take your little balls and go home.) And lern to spel.
Biff Manard
The above is an example of the horrors of anesthesiology. Mr. Manard is obviously under some sort of delusion caused by his seven hour surgery, last night.
Biff Manard is a wonderful fellow and deserves this time to recuperate.
I know he loves me and I am confident that after a, predicted, long recovery, he will be back to his affable self.
Kip Addotta
"At the Airport"
I walked up to the ticket counter at LAX, finally, and the nice looking young lady clerk asked "How may I assist you, sir?" I had two, count 'em, two large pieces of luggage. I said, pointing to them,"I'm flying to Las Vegas. I'd like this bag to go to Marakesh and this other one to go to Fiji." She said "We can't do that, sir."
I said "Why not, you did it last week!"
Question of the Day
Is there a Guiness World Record for most rats consumed in an hour?
If you're going to rewrite my stuff why the fuck don't you just write it yourself everyday! Goddamn it! This REALLY pisses me off! I wrote it EXACTLY how I wanted it presented!
Go edit yourself!
Biff
2. You didn't even realize, that, by doing this you threw a wrench into the "Mechanism" of the joke! In other words, in all of your "writing" you have not figured out that the "Mechanism" of the joke is what enables one to believe that what you are saying is true!!
3. I corrected it to save you the embarrassement of sending something out that had two profound flaws. One that it is not your idea and two that you didn't care enough to even make the effort of thinking the joke threw, yourself!
I did all of the above and cleaned up your vomit!!
I have said all of this because I wanted to demonstrate how one can use emotion, dynamics, and life to text without capitalizing one, fucking, word!
Kip Addotta
P.S. FUCK YOU!
He actually took time out of his kick-ass busier than an Amish quilt day to write good ol' Biff a real email! Then put it up on the page for God and Oscar Wilde to see!
Hey, Kip, I've got an old pair of nicely skid-marked jockey shorts you can put up as soon as I scan them. I'd tell you to wrap them around your ego but I doubt there's a pair of skivvies the size of Saturn.
Your Expletive Here,
Biff Manard
Luggage issues!
They can be funny and downright frustrating. We had our luggage delayed because a semi-pro football team's equipment and luggage somehow received precedence over ours.....not to mention the weight that these goons brought on the flight.
Sonny
"My Plea to All Cyberfreaks..."
I think spelling "e-mail" as "email" is not only more convenient, but has far reaching advantages. It saves one superfluous keystroke, which by the elimination thereof benefits us all!Imagine! 45 trillion saved keystrokes is enough to power 17 million homes and businesses for a year! It will help eliminate short people! Athletes of dubious heritage! Fat chicks! Small breasts and colored hair! Nose jobs and penile augmentations! It will solve World Hunger! And finally bring an End to War!!!
Please, my friends! I implore you! Lose The Hyphen! Before it's too late!
Richard Anthony
Jeez, haven't heard from you since Truman died...
I'm good and thankx for the b'day wishes. Hope you're good too! Love you,
Biff.
"Fake Movie Promos..."
Coming soon to a theatre near me..."A Pony for Grampa" The inspiring, moving story of a horse and the old man who loved him...just a little too much.Now playing...The first all singing, all dancing, all shooting, all black western musical "Ride Mo-Fo, Ride!"
From the producers of "Broke Back Mountain" comes the first gay war movie ever..."Stuck in a war torn island foxhole, he'd be damned if he'd leave his buddies' behind!" "Saving Ryan's Privates".
This Fall...A wonderful story filled with music and love, filmed on a shoestring budget..."Fiddler On the Ground"!
Finally, the old bat is about to get what she's had coming for a long time, in "Choking Miss Daisy".
Now, the most frightening story of them all comes to the big screen... She's mean, ugly and scarier than any who have come before! She's "Frankenstein's Mom"!
Question of the Day
How long is a "moment"?
As you always announce to the world several months in advance, (I choose to wait until the date is imminent) Monday is my 64th birthday, November 26th. This is just to advise YOU! Please do NOT share my advanced age with otherwise interested younger females of the opposite sex.
Thank you and God bless.
I remain your friend and steadfast supporter,
Biff Manard
I asked you not to and now I'm getting mail from Louisianna fer christ's sake! Jesus! A little respect over here!
Biff.
Check out my websites and see what I do www.funnyfarmentertainment.com
All people born on that day are pretty cool. I just had sex this week with a long time female friend whose birthday was on the same day as well. I waited 23 years to bed her.
It was 22 years too late. LOL
I've never had the pleasure of meeting or knowing you, but anybody born on Nov. 26 knows 2 things: That since our birthday always occurred around Thanksgiving, everybody forgot it. And second...nowhere in any historical document or diary, as far as I know, is recorded that anything significant happened on Nov. 26th in any year of recorded time.
With the sole exception of our births!Have a wonderful b'day, my brother!
Biff Manard. Please feel free to reply to ideech@hotmail.com
Don't know if you remember me Biff. I'm a bay area comic. Marty Cohen and Allen Stephan introduced me to you back in the day.
Alan
Well Happy Birthday Bud. Hope you get what you want and not what you deserve. The last time I saw you was at the store and you and Binder were telling Argus Hamilton stories... hilarious it was.
Hope this birthday finds you well and happy and may the next as well. Thanks for the email, got you in the book now. Jack Mayberry
(P.S. Tell Kip I saw a Turkish woman once so it's a moot point.)
Thanks so much for your b'day message.
I don't recall the incident you mentioned but then I don't remember what I had for lunch. I'll add you as well, and hope to see you!
I still look 35.
Biff Manard.
Sonny
You got that one right, homey! Thanx for your response...you know where I am.
Biff.
You secret is safe with me as long as you share the wealth of younger members of the opposite sex!!!
Have a great one!
Jay
Thank you, for your kind wishes! There's really only one way to satisfy a woman. But I've never met a man who knows what that is...
Biff
Hope you have a good 64th tomorrow & all's well here on out.
God bless and try not to get any on ya,
Gus
Now you only have one year til you qualify for federal Medicare.
And, by the way, I don't care what other people are saying about you -- you don't look a day over 63 1/2.
Best wishes,
The Phantom
Wishing you a great birthday. Hope you have a fun day.
Lynn Addotta
"Criminal Roll Call"
In the old TV series "Hill St. Blues" they always began the episode with roll call. What if criminals did the same thing?"O.K., listen up! We did pretty good last month but we can do better. I think a lot better. For instance you guys in mugging. Victims around bus and subway stations are there for the picking and we need to step up. I mean we can't let these pidgeons fly free, ya know?
Arsonists...we're way down, guys! I wanna see some good ol' Jewish Lightening again and I mean downtown. The bars and restaurants are sitting there just waiting for Torch and his people! Let's get going!
B&E could use some fresh vics. You guys are down in your hotel rooms, and condos. You can't count on the burglars to carry the load for ya. Same with strong-arm. I mean show me the loot and a few good head wounds, people, only 439 robberies last month! C'mon, we all know we can beat that!
What are you hookers waiting for? The pimps are out there, ladies, just for you! Plenty of Johns around, so crank it up a notch, huh?
Car boosters...Jeez! What's up with you guys? I want to see a steady, and I mean steady stream of Hummers in the chop shops. And plenty of rice-burners ending up in Mexico. Let's pick it up!
Speaking of picking it up, sexuall assaults could use some better stats. Lots of people in the park at night now that it's getting warmer out. Get busy, boys! Alright. That's it for this evening. Let's roll. And be careless out there!"
Question of the Day
If a married man is in the forest alone and has a heart attack and dies...is he still wrong?
"Fakespeare"...A eulogy at Wytthe-On-Avon Churchyard
Regginaldi speaks at Oldmanio's funeral...Act III, Scene IV."'Tis the skeletal concealing hooded cloak, the doomsday scythe so tightly gripped by fingers of rotting bone that men most fear. This darkened, shadowed enemy of life who steals the breath that is our last, aye, the blackened cradle of mortality. It is not the end that is worrisome, but the method thereof to final conclusion, the period that punctuates the closing sentence.
Our friend and ancient, Oldmanio, was such as we. Yet throughout his questing journey, ignoring Gods who dictate destiny, his resolve steadfast to the capable stride of his hardwon dignity, he alone, in his humble cobbler's cottage, reached the oft sought pinnacle of his chosen trade and succeeded in "The Taming of the Shoe". He has beaten the beast. God rest his well shod bones, as he expired with the gentle tap of the last bootheel's final nail. A noble passing was his indeed."
Question of the Day
Is there a black hole where remote controls go?
Very Forgettable Quotes..
"Sunglasses will never be popular." Yogi Berra"Time is a myth worshipped by old housewives." Bob Barker
"I love it when you don't talk dirty." Larry Flint
"The cracker to dip its rozzer the dropsy in snide." Alfred E. Neuman
"Just shut up and watch where you're going." Helen Keller
"Shmoozing is not how to get ahead in Hollywood." George Hamilton
"I'd get a kick out of throwing rocks in the Sistine Chapel." Squeaky Fromm
"Fat is where it's at. If you're a hippo." Marlin Perkins
"Clowns are funnier dead." Jerry Lewis
"When you lose someone dear, go find them for cryin' out loud." Pat Boone
Question of the Day
If you find hair in your comb what was it that held it in yesterday?
Doing time..
The Convicts...In the early evening, a con sits on the lower of two bunks alone, smoking a cigarette when suddenly the cell door is thrown open and another con is rudely pushed inside by a burly guard. "Enjoy your stay with us, jerk-off!" He smirks and slams the cell door. The new guy snarls back "you're off my Christmas list, pal!"The first con, an older, tough looking man, gets to his feet and begins to circle the other. The new man, younger by far, does the same. Soon they are pacing past eachother and only speak as they pass. The new guy asks "How long you in for?" The older con continues to pace, then speaks as they pass. "30 years."
As they pass again, he speaks again. "How long you in for?" The new con waits until they are passing then says "20 years." They keep pacing. When they pass again the older con pulls a stamped and addressed envelope from under his shirt, slips it surrepticiously to the new guy and says "Mail this for me..."
Question of the Day
Where is the rock and where is the hard place?
The Smoke Reader
High on a bluff overlooking a wide valley, a squad of cavalry sat their horses watching the hills on the far side. A lieutenant lowered his field glasses and spoke to his sargent. "Colonel Forsby is going to attack that Indian camp and has no idea that those braves and their squaws and children are on our side! We've got to either get to Forsby or warn the camp!"The sargent, a grizzled veteran, put out his cigar and said "This valley is too wide to cross in time to warn them. And we have no idea where the Colonel is, sir." The officer thought a moment. "Do we have anyone here who knows how to send a smoke signal?" he asked. "Yes sir. O'Malley is nigh on an expert. Right, Tom?" the sargent answered. A private with a narrow face spoke. "Sure am, sarge."
"All right, let's get a big fire going and get to sending a warning, pronto!" the lieutenant shouted. Soon a big smoking fire of green wood was ready. It was mid-morning and the air was still. O'Malley took a horse blanket and began to make several puffs of white smoke of varying sizes rise into the blue sky.
He finally paused, apparently finished. "What did you send, soldier?" the officer asked. "I said for them to get out now, sir. That they were going to be attacked." O'Malley replied. "Well, let's hope they got the message" said the lieutenant. Just then puffs of white smoke appeared on the opposite rim, rising slowly. "What are they saying, O'Malley?"he asked.
The private borrowed his commanders binoculars and studied the signal intensely. "It says, sir...hi, this is Grey Wolf. I'm sorry I'm not in right now, but if you'll leave a message....."
Question of the Day
What is casual about "Casualties"?
Please don't email me this shyt, anymore! It's gay!
Agnes
Please remove me from your list.
Sylvie Small
The Most Unpopular Women's Perfumes..
All women like perfume and most have a favorite scent which they hope will appeal to the man, or men in their circle. Then there are the ones which, for one reason or another, never become anyone's favorite. In fact, women downright avoid them. Here are some examples:"Tres Sweat"
"Essentiale' du Slut"
"Garbage' Bahgdadis"
"Arpege' L'Sewere"
"Cossack Seduction"
"Eau du Homme"
"L'Backdoor"
"Odore c'est Yak"
"Olay d'Mink"
"Raw Vulva"
"Essence pour le Rat"
"Beaver Heat"
Question of the Day
Can double-jointed people lick their elbows?Things Better Left Uninvented..
The Footwatch.2 Way Rearview Mirror.
6" Diameter Peephole.
Invisible Stairs.
The Postage Stamp Kite.
Hate Clocks.
Cardboard Footballs.
Penis Stickshifts.
Diamond-Shaped Barrels.
Frog Bread.
Glass Screws.
Beer Flavored Gum.
Question of the Day
Do nitpickers have quotas?(Thank you, Michael Carter.)
The Tomb Seekers..
The torches held by the three khaki clad archeologists played over the cut stone walls of the buried pyramid's tunnel casting eerie shadows across their unshaven faces, their pith helmets refracting the feeble light. It was an astounding find. An Egyptian pyramid here so close to a small tributary of the Nile.Once they had discovered the cleverly hidden entrance they found themselves in a seemingly endless maze of narrow tunnels, the dry, ancient air smelling of stone and dust undisturbed for centuries. They talked little, the only sounds being the crackling of the torches and the scraping of their boots on the stone floors.
Suddenly, as if by magic, a huge granite door opened on invisible hinges and swung open before them, apparently triggered by someone's footfall. They held out their torches in front of them and were astonished to find a huge, high ceilinged chamber overflowing with riches beyond imagination.
Gold, silver, precious gems, intricate pottery and even priceless cloth preserved as if it had been buried yesterday. The men could only gape in absolute awe until one of them whispered almost reverently "Look! There in the middle of the treasure!" He pointed his torch toward a raised catafalque the size of a coffin on which rested a thick, heavy stone.
They moved toward it, the riches surrounding them bouncing the reflections of the flaming torches into dazzling points of gilded light. They gripped at corners of the stone cover and were surprised at the relative ease with which it moved. But move it did and the interior of the coffin was at last revealed.
There lay a perfectly preserved male mummy, it's exposed skin hardly touched by time. The men raised their torches higher to better see this fantastic sight. To their utter amazement the mummy not only moved, but began to sit up. With its torso finally raised, the mummy opened its mouth to speak. Its voice was as ancient as the tomb, but the words were unmistakeably clear and in English.
"Tell me..." it whispered. "Is...is...Dick Clark still alive...?"
Question of the Day
How would you say "God bless you!" to God?
The Hanging..
In the grim, overcast dawn, a tepid sun trying to break above the high prison walls surrounding the gallows square, a condemned man stands on the trap door, a thick noose circling his neck. He is accompanied on the platform by the warden, a priest and the hooded hangman.At the base of the gallows in the large dirt square stands the prison population ringed by civilian witnesses and guards. The priest is concluding his latin last rites. Then there is silence as the doomed convict looks about at what will be his last look in this life.
The warden approaches the man and asks quietly if he has any final request or words. The prisoner gestures with his chin for the warden to come closer. When the warden's ear is close by the man whispers something audible only to the warden.
The warden says "Well, if that's what you really want...I guess we can do that." He then gathers the priest and the hangman and whispers the condemned's request, at which they nod solemnly. The warden turns to the people below and says loudly "You will all join us in this..." and begins to sing."Happy birthday to you, happy birthday..."
Question of the Day
Where do beginning bagpipers go to practice?
The Girl in the Crosswalk etc...
One time in the Spring, my friend Kip and I were in his Mustang convertible. He was driving us through Beverly Hills with the top down. It was a gorgeous day in Perfectland and the beautiful population was strolling to its luncheons. At the corner of Wilshire And Rodeo Drive we had to stop for a red light at the crosswalk. While we waited for the pedestrians crossing, suddenly our heads turned to the left in unison. I actually reflexively grabbed Kip's arm. I was absolutely stunned. Beginning her walk in front of the car, and I'm not exaggerating, was Helen of Troy. Either that or Venus's daughter.This was without question the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. A blonde (of course...it's Beverly Hills) wearing a perfect and obviously expensive outfit that featured and flattered her perfect figure even more. She had legs long as stepladders, and the v-cut, sleevless silk blouse, exactly the same deep shade of green as her enormous, wide spaced eyes did nothing to hide her wet-dream assets and was a fantastic contrast to the tight, white, elegant mini-skirt and matching high heels. She was a walking ensemble cast in heaven.
The entire intersection's male population was as captured as I was as she strolled past our hood with the grace and confidence only a thoroughbred can manage. Her dazzling smile would melt a glacier. Our heads continued to follow this divine apparition from left to right, our mouths, like everyone else's, agape. Just as she stepped one gorgeous foot upon the curb, Kip, still watching, said with great reverence, "just think...somewhere there's a guy tired of screwing her!"
Question of the Day
Where do naked pole-dancers rehearse?
Random Bits of My Head..
I once had a 16 year old tomcat who weighed 22 pounds. He was neutered. He still went out at night, but just as a consultant.Iv'e noticed that in downtown Los Angeles that more and more Latino's are moving into what for a long time was China Town. Now the two cultures live side by side and are even merging businesses. I went into a restaurant recently, called "The Ming Serape'". They're specialty was the "Fortune Taco". Inside was a soggy little message that read "You will soon ask for and be given more napkins."
My sister complained to me one time that men didn't seem to like her. They thought she was sarsastic and mean. I told her "you can attract more flies with honey than vinegar." And I was right because to this day she's covered with flies.
I recently got fired. I was working as a test subject in a sleep study lab, but I kept waking up on the job.
I filed for unemployment one time. The lady who was interviewing me said "What did you do before you were unemployed?" I said "I trimmed trees." She said "Why are you unemployed?" I said "Got 'em all trimmed."
I wonder how "Union 76" got it's name? I guess there was a guy hired to come up with a name for an oil company and he sat in his office thinking out loud..."Let's see...Union 1?...No...Union 2? No..."
There are no Turkish women or empty Tobassco sauce bottles.
No two men are the same. And both of them like it.
The last fight I was ever in was with my English professor, Mr. Tennys, for hitting on my dad at the big game.
Question of the Day
When someone says "Keep the faith!" to which religion are they referring?
I have never, in my life, seen an empty tabassco bottle.
It's insane how you can pinpoint the smallest things in the world it opens my eyes and then again closes them due to laughing so hard keep em comin motherfucker
Katlo
The Turkish Women Joke is mine!
Kip Addotta
It has come to our attention that you and your pedestrian villagers have failed to acknowledge the genius that flows from this site to the far corners of the realm.
Although we harbor you as our kinsmen, we are nothing allied to this disorder. If you are able to separate yourselves from your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house.
If not, and it would please you to take leave of us, we are very willing to bid you...farewell!
Biff Manard
As a simple minded villager pedantically walking steadfast through the darkened alleyways of vicious, sardonic sarcasm and iconic irony, forever dodging the bile and effluent of the humorless, eternally searching for kinship among the brethren of felonious frivolity and genies (not geniuses) of wit, it is with saddened heart and finely frayed delicate sensibilities, that I and my compañeros de compasión corazóns y cucuruchos de helado y huesos de la alegría, now stow thrones at you and your kind, and leave of your casa, and intrepidly bid you a fondue farewell.
However, this by no means is goodbye!!!!! (I'm exclaiming now!!!!!). For it is necessary for one to say farewell in order to say hello again, and that will always hold true for those who brothers from another mother. One more thing... is that your duck?
Michael Carter
Canned goods..
Almost everybody stocks up on canned goods during their weekly shopping excursions. They are indeed a staple of people everywhere. Most are pretty good and necessary, but there are some you might want to avoid. Like:Jim's Condensed Owl Feet
Wickman's Turnip Fillets in Hot Sauce
Green Giant Hooves with Rice
Springfield Sauteed Squirrel Bladders
Ringler's Oyster & Rhubarb Blend
Grant's Select Chunks with Weeds 'n' Honey
Orozco's Ketchup & Chocolate Lima Beans
Crammely's Steamed Shark Tongues
Bill's Moustache Soup
Plummer's Mooselip Pie
Bradley's Gourmet Whole Ox Anus with Peas
Immelman's Kosher Snake Bellys
Question of the Day
Is there such a thing as a streaker in a nudist colony? Would he be wearing clothes?
My first one..
I was 12 years old. That's the last year a kid can play Little League baseball. It was a beautiful June morning at the Northeastern Little League ballpark in San Diego. I was playing 1st base for the Kiwanis team against the formidable Arden Farms club. The bleachers were jammed and the smell of hotdogs and peanuts wafted over me as I walked to the plate. Arden was ahead in the bottom of the 5th by a score of 8 to 3, which was rare for our team, being the best in the league. The bases were loaded with 2 outs.Now I was a good hitter and was aptly nicknamed "Basehit Binky" by my teammates, being able to hit to all fields. But I'd never hit one out of the park. This particular field had a 40 foot high screen in left field to prevent balls from hitting cars and homes on the street just outside the fence. It was an intimidating obstacle.
As I stepped into the box, the Arden coach hollered "TIME!" I stepped out. The coach approached the mound, took the ball from his pitcher and signaled to the dugout for a new hurler. Out comes Manuel Ortiz, a fearsome fastballer. I watched as he took his warm-ups timing my practice swings to his speedballs.
When he was ready I stepped back in. He didn't like me one tiny little bit, and showed me by throwing one at my head. I ducked but could hear the whizzing of the ball just past my ear. Close. I stepped back in after dusting off my butt, brave but shaken and scared. Just what he wanted. Everybody was chattering and the fans were screaming and I could hear my dad yelling "Take him downtown!"
Ol' Manny wound up, rared back and threw a heater dead down the pipe about letter high and I swung my Black Beauty Louisville 33 inch Slugger from the hip and caught that ball with the fat of the bat right on the screws. I knew I'd connected, but from the high angle the ball took I thought I'd popped it up. That thing just sailed higher and higher and went deeper and deeper until a stunned crowd watched it fly over that big screen in left field and smack into the windshield of a Pontiac parked in a driveway across the street. The first homerun of my life and it was a grandslam!
The bases cleared, I touched homeplate and was hugged and slapped and cheered by the entire team, but we were still down a run, the score now 8-7. The next guy up was the league homerun leader, Dave Morehead, who would one day, years later, strike out our boyhood idol, Mickey Mantle three times in one game at Yankee Stadium for the Boston Red Sox.
Manny delivered another smoker and ol' Dave ripped it over the center field fence, bringing a tied score. Back to back homers! We went on to win it in the last inning by a score of 11 to 8. And that's the story of my first home run. Now, my second homerun...
Question of the Day
Why do men have to make all that noise every morning?
I put the exclamation points in because I'm exclaming!!!! Love ya, bro!
Magazines That Were Launched But Never Became Successful..
"Celebrity Hubcaps Illustrated""Guide to Blue Collar Dining"
"Modern Whorehouse"
"Gum World"
"Adolescent Acne Review"
"Better Dentures and Laxatives"
"Men's Hiding & Evasion Monthly"
"Newest Dwarf Hobbies"
"Blind Bowlers Gazzette"
"Contemporary Prosthetics"
"Future Lips & Noses"
"Olfactory Challenged Doggie"
"Teen Donkey Update"
Question of the Day
Did Pinnochio have testicles?
Stan's Halloween..
My cousin Stan was a born hellraiser and often did the most ridiculous stuff. For instance, one Halloween...Stan and his girlfriend (a beautiful blonde who played Alice in Wonderland at Disneyland) were going to a Halloween party in Orange County, Ca. Stan wrapped his entire naked body in wide strips of brown crepe paper leaving just eye and mouth holes, the top of his head coming to a point.To this he glued pieces of corn and pimiento. Yes, he was going as a turd.
His girl made wings out of coathangers and clear cellophane, put on a Mexican sombrero and serape and went as a Spanish fly. Together they mounted Stan's motorcycle and set off for the party. A turd and a Spanish fly.
As fate would have it, ol' Stan was making a right turn, hit a patch of loose gravel and dumped the bike down, skidding along for 50 feet or more. He had lost all of the crepe paper on his legs and ass and had gravel imbedded in there. His girl broke her arm. Someone called the cops and soon an ambulance took them to the emergency room which was already packed with costumed injured.
As the paramedics hurried the gurneys into the E.R. they had to shout to clear a path. "Hey, Frankenstein, hey Scarecrow and Snow White get the hell outa the way! C'mon folks! Make way for the turd and the Spanish fly! Let's go!" That was Stan's Halloween.
Question of the Day
Why did God make cockroaches, anyway?
Thrones...A Story With A Moral..
Once on a tiny island in the South Pacific there lived among the natives an eccentric billionaire. The island was only accessible by boat and had a natural deep water harbor, so it was perfect for the rich man who, in addition to his love of isolation, had the world's greatest collection of thrones which he loved equally as well.He had acquired thrones from all points of the compass. From the court of St. James, from the palaces on the Nile, from the Pashas of India and the great dynastys of the Orient. People would come from all over to see and be awestruck by this fabulous array of the chairs of royalty.
As the natives lived in grass dwellings, so too did the billionaire surrounded by his priceless collection. One day just before the start of the annual monsoon season, lightening struck the tiny atoll and fire swept over every structure destroying the village and all it contained. The people were lucky to escape with their lives. And, yes, the majestic collection was lost to the inferno.
So the moral to the story is...people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Question of the Day
Just, where the hell is Caucasia?
I SENT YOUR SITE TO JESSICA MY DAUGHTER SHE IS LIVING IN CULVER CITY AND HAS BEEN IN THE SAN DIEGO NATIONAL COMEDY THEATRE FOR A WHILE NOW.
SHE HAS BEEN INVOLVED IN SOME CLASSES AND WORKSHOPS UP IN LA I KNOW SHE WILL ENJOY THIS
SHAKE IT EASY
When I was a DJ
Years ago I was employed as a DJ at an all night jazz station in Beverly Hills. Well, it was in Beverly Hills but it was down in the poor white section called, Skid Drive.I had a mellow voice and was free to make up stuff to go out over the air so I'd say things like..."OK, you're tuned to the mmmmmmellow sound here at KSKD, K-Skid...That was Linda Rondstat with her new LP 'Sand in My Pie'...
Right now here's a couple of late news bulletins...A man standing at the rail was struck in the head and subsequently killed by a hard piece of flying horse manure during the 8th race at Santa Anita today. Track officials sadly declared it as the day the shit hit the fan.
In other news, the first death due to an overdose of marijuana was recorded in Hollywood today. Police said, "It had to be the most powerful pot ever." They had to outline the body in chalk... on the ceiling."
Question of the Day
Is there such a thing as being 'slow' asleep?
Some Things To Never Do..
Buy cologne in a gas station.Go out drinking with a guy who just got paroled.
Hook up with a chick who has a warning from the Health Department tatooed on her neck.
Pick at a stranger's scab.
Tell a cowboy he's lookin' pretty good in the firelight.
Slap a judge.
Drive a tractor in Manhattan.
Fry bacon naked.
Try to seduce your grandmother-in-law.
Enter a Whoopi Goldberg look-a-like contest.
Trust a bald barber.
Hijack a Merry-Go-Round.
Go to a brothel with an out of state two party check.
Question of the Day
If goldfish like the muck around the fountain, what do mountain lions like to do?
Kate
That was really funny. I laughed my ass off. Now, I have to go out and buy a new ass.
The Phantom
Dumb collectibles..
Many people collect things. Some collections are extremely valuable, some are just sentimental and some are just downright stupid. The following fits the last category...Dumpsters.
Basketball hoops.
Cruise ship's anchors.
Ovens.
Bowling shoes.
747 tires.
Midget's toenail clippings.
Barnacles.
Billiard tables.
Church steeples.
Anvils.
Car trunk lids.
Ropes.
Antique teeth.
Cigar butts.
Question of the Day
Is a Democrat just a Republican who's never been mugged?
Very funny...wish I'd thought of it. But, then again, I'll say I did.
Kendrew
The Truth About Personal Ads..
What add says:
White female early 40's, slim, attractive professional seeks like male companion. Likes cocktails, dinners, movies, long walks on the beach.What add means:
Ugly woman lying about her age, hefty, lonely secretary wants anybody male to feed her and have sex in movie theatres and on the beach while drunk.What add says:
Black professional man, 50's, seeks professional woman for friendship. Likes museums, reading, photography, quiet dinners, working out, sailing.What add means:
Bald bank teller loser with bad breath and acne scars wants any female who will look at him. Into adult bookstores and sex shops, fast food, pumping beers and watching boats.What add says:
Wanted: Aggressive, competent, intelligent, self-starter for great career in movie lot security.What add means:
Attention imbeciles! Do you have an IQ between 18 and 35? Chances are you're a highschool drop-out. Chances are you lost a thumb in shop class! Now we'd like to put you in a stupid uniform and post your sloppy ass at the studio entrance where you'll turn people away because you don't know what the hell you're doing. Be a studio guard!Question of the Day
Why is there no movement to help stamp out and eliminate redundancy?
The Story of the Cappi's..
In the ancient times of Southern California there was a nomadic tribe called the "Cappi's" and they would travel in a great circle hunting and gathering for one complete year. Starting out in what is now called the month of March, they would complete the journey arriving back to where they'd begun, always on the same date.This tribe was known far and wide for brewing and distilling a very potent alcoholic beverage called "Stranno". The day they returned after their year's circuit, there would be a huge celebration where people from everywhere would feast and dance and imbibe in the liquor that was produced during the year long trek.
And that became known as the day that the Cappi's came back to swallow Stranno.
Question of the Day
If a married couple from the backwoods of Arkansas moves to California and gets a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
New Car Names That Never Quite Caught On..
The Chevy TokusThe Nissan Li'l Hooker
The Buick Bummera
The Cadillac Fatassra
The Ford Tailgator
The Volkswagon Supreme Dictator
The GMC Fruitierre
The Chrysler Crackrunner
The Toyota Bonzai
The Audi Grenade
Hyundai Beercanra
The Jeep Mascara
Mitsubishi Naked Geisha
The Saab Outcaller
The BMW Crasherra
Question of the Day
Why is there no place in history for the person who invented the window?
Stupid Things To Teach Your Kids..
How to run real fast while carrying scissors.The best things to eat in a landfill.
How to break an animal's leg.
The best way to recycle milk.
How to boost toasters.
What the best shoes are for stomping frogs.
How to light farts.
The best way to spit on cars from a bridge.
How to pee through a keyhole.
How to snort bugs.
The best time to play in traffic.
How to give buzz-cuts to Barbie Dolls.
How to use jock straps as sling shots.
How to chug-a-lug Niquil during recess.
Question of the Day
If kids are so smart, how come none of them has never been President?
Sympathy Cards? How About "Apathy" Cards..
It's your birthday. So what?Thanks for your gift. The return line was really long.
It was nice meeting you. I forget your name.
I guess I missed your graduation. Whatever, dude.
I'd like to thank you. I'd like to, but I don't wanna.
I heard your mother died. Are we still on for golf next week?
Yeah, so you like won an Oscar. You still owe me 20 bucks, man.
It was a good anniversary party. Did anybody find my hat?
I hear you got married. How's the weather over there?
So you finally got elected to Congress. My cat is pregnant again.
Question of the Day
If it really is a small world, how long would it take to paint it?
What Women Worry About Most..
That he won't be able to get it up.Do I look young enough?
Is my hair okay?
Are my nails okay?
Will I find a man with enough money?
Are my toes and feet attractive?
Am I dressed okay?
Does my purse match?
Do I look old to other women?
Am I still good looking?
Can I still flirt my way out of a ticket?
Is there lipstick on my teeth?
Are my lashes okay?
Am I slim enough?
Is my figure okay?
Will I get my monthly, please God?
Question of the Day
Do female judges ever get gavel envy?
What Men Fear Most..
Not being able to get it up.Not being able to make enough money.
Never being able to find HER.
Not being able to get it up when I find HER.
Not being tall enough.
Not being good looking enough
Not having enough hair.
My car won't start.
It not being big enough if I CAN get it up.
My boss not giving me a raise.
Not having a boss who won't give me a raise.
Getting old.
Not getting old.
Not being able to get it up if I DO get old.
Question of the Day
If you feed a cow barley and malt, will it give beer?
When someone asks you "is that really true?" You say
Does Raggedy Ann have a cotton crotch?Did Rose Kennedy have a black dress?
Does Rosie O'Donnel like chicks?
Does Bill Gates have credit cards?
Does Tijuana have hookers?
Does New York have panhandlers?
Are Chinese tits yellow?
Does a politician smile?
Does Donald Trump own a pink tie?
Does OJ have a rap sheet?
Is Whoopi ugly?
Question of the Day
Do snails have ears?
You Know You're Aging When..
The cops are younger than your kids.Your signature is a straight line.
You don't remember your birthday.
Your wife is attractive again.
Your earlobes sag and hang.
You miss 9 places shaving.
Your penis is used only for peeing.
You need glasses to read billboards.
The Maitre'd's are younger than your kids.
Your dog will outlive you.
You still remember leaded gas and ask for it.
Hookers are the guys who attach your bait.
Question of the Day
Why is "news" not?
Dubious Businesses..
Fred's Fill Dirt & CroissantsElaine's Feather Boa & Anvil Boutique
Hamachi Day Old Sushi
Rialto Discount Uranium & Sod
Jill's Fine Teas & Steer Manure
Americo Vintage Spy Satellites Inc.
Acme Whiskeys and Driving Schools
Carl's Pre-Owned Condoms
Steve's Fresh Fruit & Jock Straps
Bob's Retro Shoes & Livestock Co.
Sharon's Pillows & Wrecking Balls
Nat's Haircuts & Discount Vasectomys
Phil's Septic Tank Service & Flying School
Question of the Day
When lesbians slow-dance together which one leads?
Great Frat-Stud Nicknames.
"Donkey Schlong""Crotchmeister"
"Lance Harmstrong"
"Marathon Mang"
"Tube Ruler"
"Lizard Tongue"
"Sylvester Salami"
"The Crease Pilot"
"Gashman"
"Don Wong"
"The Duke of Trim"
"The Prince O'Pie"
"King Dong"
"The Gender Bender"
Question of the Day
Do women have Eve's apples?
How does the mind work that thinks of these things. You are beyond hilarious my brother!!! I will send you a photo of Regan in Mexico if you like?
Rip
The Meanest Bars in America..
"The Busted Femur" Cincinatti, Ohio"Skullbasher's" Knoxville, Tenn.
"Crippler's Bar and Poolroom" Bend, Ore.
"The Stein and Stitch" Pittsburgh, Penn.
"Guns 'N' Noses" Boston, Mass.
"Sons + Bitches" E. Phoenix, Ariz.
"The Limp On Inn" Dothan, Ala.
"Pitcher O'Blood" Little Rock, Ark.
"The Pistol and Whip" Omaha, Neb.
"Stomp Y'Ass Fa Drill" South E. L.A., Ca.
"The E.R." New York, N.Y.
"The Brass Fist" Newark, N.J.
Question of the Day
Why are there no "apathy" cards?
You Know You're In An Expensive Town When..
The parking meters only take Krugerands.A Happy Meal costs 600 dollars.
There are Mercedes sedans in the dumpsters.
The traffic islands are planted with orchids.
The gas stations are gated with a security kiosk.
Parking valets wear tuxedos.
Dry cleaners are open by appointment only.
Restaurants have a 20 year waiting list.
The cops wear tuxedos.
Hardware stores have formally dressed manniquins in the window.
There are 22 Faberge' egg shops.
The taxis are all stretch Ferraris.
Question of the Day
If diamonds are forever, is there a precious stone for as long as the day after tomorrow?
You Know You're a Genius When..
You write five best selling novels by age 12.You invent an artificial neck.
You can run 100 meters in 3 seconds.
You prove the theory of relativity false.
You discover a new continent.
You can pass for 12 touchdowns in the first quarter of the Superbowl.
You can ski down Mt. Everest.
You can seduce the Dali Llama.
You can gourmet feed everybody in Bangladesh for a year.
You can find 5 virgins in Amsterdam.
You can translate Mandarin into Farsi backwards.
You can get along with a woman.
You can swim from San Francisco to Sidney nonstop.
Question of the Day
Why do people use hand gestures when talking on cell phones?
New York Times Stupid Best Seller List
"Gone With The Window"
Margaret Drellb
A dashing burglar in Civil War Savannah absconds with the very first bay window in the South, touching off a glass hunt that threatens to overshadow the entire war."The Hunt For Red December"
P. Clancy Harbrin
The vivid story of a young man's dream to splatter the Adirondacks with Canadian goose blood at Christmastime in 1930."The Twelfth Commandment"
Archie Jeffries
A former catholic priest adopts a donkey which becomes a stage star in 1960's Tijuana."War and Piece"
Alexy Andropoparovski
The battle between two Russian international corporate titans for the love of a sleazy Peruvian concubine"Doctor Chicago"
Trellis Gardener
A black pimp falls in love with two of his Russian working girls and the catfight rages across the city."Terribly Wrong!"
Jacqueline Romirez
Former L.A. gang members "Puppet" and "Slicer" reform their Southeast gang turf into a high-end resort mecca rivaling even Dubai as a center for money, sex, mayhem and murder.Question of the Day
Why not sell houses near the airport to deaf people?
Tabloid Headlines and Stories I'd Like to See..
Jimmy Hoffa's Shoes Found On Mars!90 Year Old Woman Gives Birth To Twin Spatulas!
Elvis Is A Crack Dealer In Colombia!
New Pope Is Secret Lesbian!
Jack Rabbits With 12 Dicks Common In Australia's Outback!
Warren Beatty's Age Transplant!
Ape Marries Donkey---It's Legal In Vermont!
Emelia Erhardt Found Working In Belgium Brothel!
Oprah Is Dick Cheny's Mistress!
Richard Simmon's Secret Anal Augmentation Surgery!
Monica Lewinski Is Mother Theresa's Bastard Daughter!
Brittany Spears Joins L.A.P.D.!
Question of the Day
Why do fat chicks always wear sleeveless tops?
Stupid Ficticious Towns
John, Nevada.Dry Lake Lake, Arizona.
Wolfpiss, Montana.
Toohip, New York.
Maxwrinkles, Florida.
Loungenslide, California.
Doorhandledeep, Wisconsin.
Mispell, Mississippi.
No Where, Nebraska.
Batshit, New Mexico.
Pot, Oregon.
Noteeth, Arkansas.
Inbreeding,West Virginia.
Holleryasoff Holler, Kentucky.
Dickweed, Georgia.
Tootan, Hawaii.
Big Dyke, Alaska.
Question of the Day
If a goat is a ram and a donkey is an ass--why is a ram in the ass a goose?
Redneck Romance: Why I love her..
She cleans real good.She's big and looks great in tight Spandex.
I never have to do all the work during sex.
She only farts at the other end of the trailer.
She never makes me stop the truck and ask for directions. I stop and SHE asks.
She cooks up baloney real good, and lots of it.
She never has a headache and she's always "in the mood".
She makes my lunch real good and always puts it in a new sack.
She hates kids and dogs.
I always get the most popcorn, the coldest beers and the remote.
She always uses the bathroom second.
She keeps my side of the bed cleaner.
She always shaves without me telling her to. Even her back.
She loves my big belly tats.
She likes my mornin' breath. I really love her, man!
Question of the Day
When mature tomcats are neutered do they still go outside at night as consultants?
You Know You're Vain When..
You put on sleeping make-up.You bikini wax--and you're a guy.
You shave your navel.
It takes you an hour to pass a mirror.
You iron your t-shirts.
You coiffure your chest hair.
You constantly ask yourself "How would THIS look on the fantail of a yacht at cocktail hour?"
You paint your toenails to match your car.
You paint your car to match your nails.
You choose only a barstool that features your "good side."
You have 320 mirrors in your apartment.
You color your nose hair.
Question of the Day
Why are there no gangsters named "Righty"?
Bumper Stickers I'd Like To See
All dumbs are not blonde.Jesus is coming. Look busy.
My other car is my mom's.
I brake for big dicks. (I'll bet her brother never borrows her car.)
Children should be herd and not seen.
Not sucking sucks!
I (heart) Osama. I also (heart) cyanide.
Kindergarteners rule!
I h8 cell phone people!
Ram this!
I'd rather be sleeping.
C'mon and tailgate. Make my day.
Hillary for Presidunce!
Question of the Day
Where do flys go at night?.
You know you're sick when..
You can't get enough of "Meet the Press".Your urine smells like apples.
You can't laugh at Hillary Clinton.
You are totally entertained by "Last Comic Standing".
Your hair aches and your teeth itch.
You smoke while you swim.
Nothing pisses you off. Not weddings, not birthdays, not your wife and kids, not car trouble, not even the high cost of retractable awnings.
The only thing you crave is owl meat.
You whistle during sex.
Question of the Day
Why do people buy those little 89 cent plants in supermarkets to bring them home to die?
Scenes I'd Like To See
Two midgets are sitting across the airplane aisle from eachother. The flight attendant brings them two small bottles of whiskey and a glass of mix with ice. They drink and drink and drink some more, getting quite drunk. The conversation gets loud as they begin to disagree over something.The argument escalates into shouts and insults. Finally it turns to outright rage. They both get up facing eachother and break a tiny bottle over the armrest and sway in the aisle with the jagged ends pointing and poking at one another...boy, i'd like to see that!
Question of the Day
Has anyone ever actually seen a mountain of red tape?
Ideas That Never Quite Took Off..
Oil diving.Paper shoes.
Sand skating.
Moron art.
Invisible houses.
Limp wristwatches.
Polka 'n' Roll.
U-Fly-It Airlines.
Lint hats.
500 proof whiskey.
Steel mops.
Rock Concerts for Two.
Keel climbing.
Question of the Day
Who coined the phrase "coin the phrase"?
Toward More Picturesque Phrases
As quiet as a cobweb's shadow.As dark as the inside of a glove.
Fog's gossamer shroud.
As wide as the granite shoulders of the Rockies.
The city night's complaining sirens.
Pain's total apathy.
Nature's danger camoflaged in beauty.
As impertinent as a speed bump.
Wolves howling eulogies.
Memories being food for dreams.
Snow is nature pillow fighting.
As persistent as a wrecking ball.
Winter's beautiful deceit.
As moody as the weather.
As pushy as a bargain-basement shopper.
Day gracefully surrendering to night.
Question of the day
Who is the "Learn to Read" sign for?
When I wear my London Fog
I always wear my London Fogwhen I'm out drinking London grog,
along with eating London frog
caught fresh from atop a London log,
that was floating in a London bog.
I always wear my London Fog
on weekends with my London dog.
When we go out hunting London hog,
we London slosh and London slog
and across the moors we London jog.
But I always wear my London Fog when I'm in Prague.
Question of the day
Why isn't Spain purple like it is on the Atlas?
Definitions that don't exist... but should
Allowing people to exit an elevator before boarding it is called "Elevetiquette".Watching your reflection while passing a store window from the sidewalk is called "Checkovision".
Wiping off the mouth of a shared bottle before drinking from it is known as "Alley-Ooping".
Fear of handling a self-serve gas pump is "Petrophobia".
People who change radio stations after every song while driving are "Scanomaniacs".
Turning to stare at something you just tripped over is called "Blamepensation".
When a thumbtack bends instead of piercing a hard surface it "Twombles".
The red marks left on a nose from wearing glasses are called "Optidents".
Question of the day
Where do fish go when it rains?
Describing a sunset
Sometimes, just to be writing, I'll give myself an assignment. This one was: "describe a sunset that you saw today."The sun, now only an eyebrow of orange fire sinking into the tourmaline sea, cast its molten rays against the ragged streaks of high clouds turning the sky into an impossible spectrum of mondo-color.
Fractured lemon-gold collided head-on with dusty rose and deep crimson and halloween orange. Shining silver joined with hot brass at the edges of cobalt clouds rimmed with royal purple, smearing into warm lime above, before blending into ever darkening powder blue. The West was an orchestra of sublime radiance flung by a celestial painter whose pallette was mixed with colors yet unamed, such was its glory!
Question of the day
How cold IS a witches tit? And why do they only have one?
Top Ten Reasons Why Rap Is So Popular
#10. The world is tired of music.#9. Big businesses like IBM are behind it.
#8. Everybody loves baggy clothes, loud microphones, backwards ball caps and shades.
#7. People have a great appreciation for clever and complex lyrics.
#6. We all love to sing along about ho's.
#5. Rap concerts have the best fights.
#4. It ain't WHAT you say, it's how LOUD you say it.
#3. Finally---an art form that makes real sense!
#2. Because of pioneer rappers like "Walk DMC" and Glenn "Mo-Fo" Miller.
And the #1 reason why rap is so popular: If it was good enough for grandpa, it's good enough for me!
Question of the day
Why do people travel thousands of miles just to get a picture taken of them standing by their car?
To who it may condemn..
While correspondence on "personal" matters in written form is, to me, as foreign as a refridgerator in a fireplace, I feel compelled to communicate these lines for no reason other than civil protocol. Or as you timex-thumpers say---politeness.I am a man reasonably quick to anger. Such men possess (because they must) short reins which must be kept tight and taut on this violent beast upon which they ride the finicky trails of life. This takes effort. Great effort, for the beast is strong.
Two things really irritate me: Stupidity and incompetence. Yet one is handmaiden to the other. They are essentially twins. They're right up there with tardiness and empty agreements.
But these things that follow make me dangerous. Knuckle and skull dangerous: Abuse of power and authority, disrespect and predjudice.
I also hate lousy drivers, unqualified pet owners, the inconsiderate, the unaware, mediocrity,and false pride. Of course, then there's hard butter, too short socks, bad movies and loud noises. Pushiness pisses me off, too.
But when one lives in a civilized society, only the stupidly impetuous allow these things to escalate to Red Alert. You can't fight human nature and win. A wise man is someone who found that out.
Question of the day
If you can't take it with you, why be buried in a new suit?
Poverty
I'm so broke...that if it cost a nickel to ship a ton of buffalo shit from Africa to California, I couldn't afford the postage on a canary fart from Tijuana!Conan O'Brien
I couldn't fall asleep last night so I turned on the tube and NBC's Conan O'Brien (sp?) was on. And on. And on. How this smirkmeister got a show on a major network is as mysterious as Stonehenge. What did the network executives see in this pedestrian, low-talent jerk? It's as if they held auditions in the tool department of Sears and Conan was the only guy to show up. Unwitty, unfunny and uncharming he should be a door to door poll taker in Blythe.The producers of this tepid fare cloned Johnny's set and wardrobe and transplanted it to Boresylvania, home to its writing staff. O'Brien, whose face would be lost in a crowd of three has all the presence of a gatepost and the charisma of a p.o. box. He's about as interesting as an animal scab but not nearly as complex. I see him as Grand Marshall of the Modesto Yawn Parade or maybe the receptionist at a Pencil Museum.
Color me stupid, but I think this guy is an unticketed passenger on the trite train. On the plus side I think he'd add just the right pep to the shipping news. Jeez! Somebody get me a witness!
Question of the day
How do they grow seedless grapes?
Stand-up Comedy: Send in the Clones
For those of you just joining us, it's 1991 and the stand-up comedy "boom" is almost twenty years old. In the beginning was the word and the word was "funny". And it stayed funny for better than a decade. A period punctuated with the hilarity of Richard Pryor and Kip Addotta, Robin Williams, Dave Letterman and Jay Leno and Andy Kaufman, Marsha Warfield and Elayne Boosler. Freddie Prinz was there along with Tim Thomerson, Michael Keaton and yes, even yours truly.Wit was king! Comedy, in as much as it could, made sense. Steve Martin, a superb example of absurdity in disguise, was not the least of those in the front ranks of stand-ups new army. Audiences were required to think---a task to which they took like a bug takes to a windshield. We're talking about an era of comedy as fertile as 50's and 60's music---still solid gold today.
Then came the comedy clubs. Those strip mall joke stands that promised money and lodging to mainstream comedians. The have-joke-will-travel guys. Fine. Then, through the magic of media exposure, came the discovery that wit reaps riches, fame and great chicks. The Tonite Show, the Today Show, The Tomorrow Show; Merv, Dick, Mike and Johnny. A sitcom. Movies. Maybe even a nomination.
So,soon, not unlike the goldrush, every jerk with a mouth and a hand to hold a microphone began to show up like locusts, overwhelming by sheer numbers the pseudo-stages of America.
With cliche observations and shopworn monologue, stolen material and recycled premises these desperate (but young and cute!) pretenders plied their sophomoric rhetoric to both urban and rural clubowners who were only too happy to bill them as comedians and pay them a third of what Gallagher wanted.
Enter a new generation of audience members. People who were kids when Steve put an arrow through his head and Andy rolled out his conga drum. People who flocked to places like "Yuk-Yuks", watching "stand-up" for the very first time ever, and saw Jimmy Lacotta (former FedEx driver whose friends said "you're funnier than sh*t, man!) and had no one and nothing by which to compare the sense of humor(?) being exhibited on stage, so they bought it.
Comedians (sic) copying comedians (sic) copying the comedians. Com-clones. Originality may not have been dead but it sure as hell went underground along with the most important element of the art of stand-up comedy---likeability.
Now, back here in 2007, we have the ultimate insult to this revered art form "Last Comic Standing" which manages to work about as well as communism in the Soviet Union! Oy!
Time
Today we all have one less day to live, each and everyone of us and joy is the only thing that slows the clock.
Ain't the snow fallin' a bit deeper these days?
And ain't they buildin' stairs a bit steeper these days?
And ain't the town changin' in so many ways! Time. Time. Time.
The young folks grow up now so strong and so tall,
And the newspaper print just keeps gettin' so small.
Folks talk so softly now sometimes you just can't hear 'em at all! Time. Time. Time.
Yeah, the new jokes ain't as funny as the old jokes once were,
And girls aren't as pretty as I remember her.
Today in the park, a grown man called me "sir"! Time. Time. Time.
So, I'm just not as anxious now for fame and success...
My eye now will catch a girl in just a plain, quiet dress.
And I do cling a bit longer now to each warm caress. Time. Time. Time.
So I trudge a bit harder now as I climb up lifes old hill,
But what of it? My life now is much more fulfilled.
It's just that they keep tearing down buildings that I watched them build! Time. Time. Time.
Question of the day
Why are the ugliest people in any state always found at the Department of Motor Vehicles?
HOMELESS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE
Entertainment for Streetfolks since 1967
IN THIS ISSUE
*Best Christmas Feeds a holiday guide to all that free soup and all them trimmings!*New shopping carts---best and worst! They're sleeker, roomier and easier to push up hill. But are they safe?
*Panhandling in the 21st century---manners come back! A guide to beggars ettiquette.
*L.A's lucrative off ramps! Signs of the times can reap big handouts--here's how.
*H.I's guide to the best bus benches in Hollywood! Where they are and who you'll meet there.
*Westside dumpsters rate highest among vegetarian bag ladies! Forget downtown--go west young woman!
*Senior survey: 60, homeless and fit! Street health tips and wellness advice.
*Park Sex---squalor in the grass! Disposable pictorial fold-out! (scratch 'n' sniff!) *
PLUS
Homeless Power! Who really has the juice in L.A.Question of the day
Do single people have dirty backs?
You mess with me and I'll be on you like
Yellow on a schoolbus.Noise at the airport.
Fedex on a package.
Dog pee on a fire hydrant.
A jones on a ghetto junkie.
Dents on a Tijuana taxi.
Pidgeons on a breadcrumb.
Rush hour traffic in Houston.
A body bag.
A pitbull on a mailman.
The Steelers on a fumble.
Fat on Roseanne Barr.
Holy on the Pope.
Today's question
What do you send to a sick florist?
How to make the perfect hard boiled eggs
Referigerate eggs immediately. When you are ready to cook them, first select a suitable pot. I usually find one which will accomodate 6 eggs side by side. This avoids 12 eggs banging eachother around resulting in cracks and leakage. Place them in the pot very GENTLY. Pour in a good amount of SALT. (Salt water boils faster than unsalted.) Fill the pot with TEPID water to within an inch of the rim.
Don't put the heat on high! Put it at a couple of notches below high. This prevents your pot from boiling over. Check your clock when first boil starts. Boil for at least 17 minutes.
Turn heat off, then put the pot under COLD running water, tap wide open, for at least 4 minutes. This separates the cooked egg from its shell, loosening the shell so it's easy to peel later. Then drain and and refridgerate in the pot immediately. Let them cool for at least an hour.
Take an egg from the now cold pot. Take it to the disposal side of your sink. Remove the drain plug, and smack the shell several times on the side of the sink. Turn on the COLD water full force and peel the egg under the faucet. You'll find that the shell comes off easily and slides into the disposal. Pat dry your now perfectly hard boiled egg, season to your taste and enjoy!
Hey, I've got the answers...I just ain't in charge.
SPUDZ
The Official Magazine of Idaho
Downtown Boise---A walk on the mild side!
PLUS---An inside glance at the new and controversial "No Salsa" zone!
17 million new potato recipes! (Over 9000 in English!)
Boise's clothing optional courtrooms---Are they working?
Annual Miss Inflatable America parade---Guess who's Grand Marshall?
Capitol's world famous 7-11 museum reopens and it's better than ever!
Interview with Idaho's founding surveyor "Wrong Way" Merkle, and pioneer planter Deep Jim Russet!
Polls confirm Sun Valley really is farther away!
Naked potatoes in our schools and teen pregnancy---A link?
Governor's message: "Go away and leave us alone!"
(They hated it. But they paid me. I'm now considering an offer to help promote tourism in Baghdad.)
The 2007 Acdemy Awards
As I was watching the Academy Awards this year, watching the world's best looking, most talented and richest people parade along the red carpet, I had the following realization, being an actor myself, about where I was in comparison to those on the television set.I am the great uninvited. I am the great ignored. I am the unwelcome.
I am the neglected and the unconsidered. I am the overlooked and the misunderstood.
I am the dinosaur. The useless. The outdated. the old, the forgotten, the critically unwashed.
I am the socially shunned. A faceless extra on the world's stage without even a full walk-on.
I am the unnoticed, the uninteresting, the overly common.
I am the great unwanted, the unphoned, the unvisited, the unoffered.
The 1st charter member of the vast unlunched. The unrepresented. The unendorsed. The unsupported.
Thank God I'm not unlucky.
Sidestreets
I once drove from Los Angeles to New York city using sidestreets. It took me twenty-seven weeks. And I hit all the green lights.I found out a couple of things on that trip...first I found out that the shortest distance between two points, is under construction. That was first.
The second thing I found out is that when you travel through all these small towns they all have their own little laws. Without even realizing it, I found myself violating these little, local ordinances...like...manslaughter. I'll bet I did that fifty times!
Why I Cry
I cry for those who also cry.I cry for the inevitable finality of death's legacy.
I cry for those whose destiny is suffering and pain.
I cry for them with broken hearts.
I cry for lovers whose romance will end.
I cry for the joyless recipients of shattered dreams.
I cry for the lonely most of all. For those solitary souls doing time in isolation, far from the life-giving warmth of human concern.
I cry for the children; innocent and doomed to experience the irrevocable trade of wonder and awe for a world of deceit, treachery and danger.
I cry for the old, whose ancient eyes reflect fading memories of distant youth which, but to themselves, are insignificant and forgotten.
I cry for the war hero who walks a thankless and indifferent world concealing perpetual wounds.
And I cry for us...who will never understand.
Wrong Numbers You May Come Across
You never know what your going to get when you dial a wrong number!...Mobile Enemas...Peter
...Eligible Lepers... Sara
...Tubless Socks...Mira
...Seven Inch Yard Sticks...Carl
...Razor Wire Thongs...Tula
...Turtle Obedience School...Rex
...Unfinished Underwear...Claude
...Woolen Hawaiian Shirts...Kevin
...Left Handed Towel Co...Tony!
...Blondes With Brains..Not all dumbs are blonde!...Leave an answer!
...Concrete Flags And Banners...Tony!
...Donkey Condoms...This is Gloria!
...Paper Hubcaps...This is Jose!
...Anal Augmentation...Allen speaking!
...One Legged Soccer Camp...Kyle!
...Cement Gun Co...Lillian!
...Barbed Wire Head Bands...Mathew!
...Manure Pizzas...Bill!
...Funny Funerals...This is Jacky!
...Unfinished Stoves...Johnny!
...Pre Owned Fruit...Mike!
...Camouflage Golf Balls...Fred!
...Frozen Poodles...Clyde speaking!
...Build Your Own Space Shuttle...Ted
...Charles Mason Action Figures...Vern!
Biff Manard Credits
Biff Manard, Eight Days a Week
(1997) .... The Sad ManBiff Manard, The Incredible Genie
(1997) .... FarrowBiff Manard, Snitch
(1996) .... Norman the drunkBiff Manard, "Full House"
Cowpoke (1 episode, 1995) - Michelle Rides Again: Part 1 (1995) TV Episode ... CowpokeBiff Manard, Bonanza
Under Attack (1995) (TV) .... LukeBiff Manard, Blankman
(1994) .... BiffBiff Manard, "Viper"
Security Guard (1 episode, 1994) - Pilot (1994) TV Episode ... Security GuardBiff Manard, Art Deco Detective
(1994) .... Stocking TerroristBiff Manard, Flash III
Deadly Nightshade (1992) (V) .... Officer Michael Murphy ... aka The Flash 3: Deadly Nightshade (UK)Biff Manard, Desert Kickboxer
(1992) .... Sheriff Larry ... aka Desert Hawk (USA: alternative title)Biff Manard, Trancers II
(1991) .... Hap Ashby aka Future Cop II aka Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth (USA: video box title)
|
Biff Manard, "The Flash"
Off. Michael Frances Murphy / ... (14 episodes, 1990-1991) Trial of the Trickster (1991) TV Episode .... Off. Michael Frances Murphy Alpha (1991) TV Episode .... Off. Michael Frances Murphy Goodnight, Central City (1991) TV Episode .... Off. Michael Frances Murphy Done with Mirrors (1991) TV Episode .... Off. Michael Frances Murphy Captain Cold (1991) TV Episode .... Off. Michael Frances Murphy (9 more)Biff Manard, "Hunter"
Hank Olsen (1 episode, 1991) Room Service (1991) TV Episode .... Hank OlsenBiff Manard, "Night Court"
Mr. Dane (1 episode, 1991) - Mama Was a Rollin' Stone (1991) TV Episode ... Mr. DaneBiff Manard, The Flash
(1990) (TV) .... MurphyBiff Manard, "Star Trek
The Next Generation" .... Ruffian (1 episode, 1988) . aka Star Trek: TNG (USA: promotional abbreviation) Elementary, Dear Data (1988) TV Episode .... RuffianBiff Manard, The Wrong Guys
(1988) .... Mark GrunskiBiff Manard, Zone Troopers
(1986) .... DolanBiff Manard, Trancers
(1985) .... Hap Ashby .. aka Future Cop (Philippines: English title)Biff Manard, Surf II
(1984) (as Biff Maynard) .... Bob's Father... aka Surf II: The End of the TrilogyBiff Manard, Off the Wall
(1983) .... Colonel FryBiff Manard, "Father Murphy"
Dealer #1 (1 episode, 1982) - Eighty-Eight Keys to Happiness (1982) TV Episode .... Dealer #1Biff Manard, "Knots Landing"
Drunk (1 episode, 1982) - The Rose and the Briar (1982) TV Episode .... DrunkBiff Manard, Buddy Buddy
(1981) Highway Patrolman #2Biff Manard, St. Helens
(1981).. aka St. Helens, Killer VolcanoBiff Manard, Lunch Wagon
(1981) (as Biff Maynard) .... Wino... aka Come 'n' Get It.. aka Lunch Wagon GirlsBiff Manard, "CHiPs"
Manager (1 episode, 1981).. aka CHiPs Patrol (USA: syndication title) - Forty Tons of Trouble (1981) TV Episode .... ManagerBiff Manard, Underground Aces
(1981) .... PimpBiff Manard, Pray TV
(1980) .... Billie Bob Joe Brown. aka K-GODBiff Manard, "The Jacksons"
(1976) TV Series .... Skit characters (unknown episodes, 1977)Biff Manard, Cowboysan
(1977) .... Buddy .. aka Cowboy-San! (USA)Biff Manard, Shanks
(1974) .... GoliathBiff Manard, "Bonanza"
Hartsfield / ... (4 episodes, 1971-1972).. aka Ponderosa (USA: rerun title) Riot (1972) TV Episode .... Scoggins A Place to Hide (1972) TV Episode .... Hartsfield Second Sight (1972) TV Episode .... Smokey The Rattlesnake Brigade (1971) TV Episode .... SugginsBiff Manard, Machismo
40 Graves for 40 Guns (1971) (as Biff Maynard) .... Harris Gang member aka Forty Graves for Forty Guns aka Machismo aka The Revenge of the Wild Bunch (USA: reissue title)Biff Manard, "Mission Impossible"
Lieutenant Seelik (1 episode, 1970)Biff Manard, The Amateur
(1970) TV Episode .... Lieutenant SeelikBiff Manard, Filmography as: Actor, Writer
Writer - filmography"The Jacksons" (1976) TV Series (writer)
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